AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

Do you have a son?

My son died in the womb

Do you talk to her daily after school about how her day has been? Not helping with homework or inquiring about study, musical instrument practice, sports clubs, etc. Just chat.

That's where it starts. Get familiar with each other, then begin to gently drop in values gently into your chats - not as an imperative, but more as relaying what you did at her age when you were an anxious and imperfect teen like her.

Building rapport essentially

Thank you as I didn't see anyone make this point. It's not good to create that narrative in her head, that she's a silly boy-crazed girl.

I don't want to rub her mistakes in her face, I want her to learn from them. To know she's a lovely likable person who can be liked for who she is.

I'm extremely sorry.

I don't think I've done that as much as I should.

I’m now 50 and when I was young I never really talked to my parents about anything personal. I have no doubt they loved me and my siblings but they likely parented in a way that they may have had. We talked a lot about grades and achieving but I realise they didn’t really share much about themselves. So now as an adult while I love them dearly, they don’t really know who I am.
To try to do things differently and give what I did not have, my DD who is 12 and I talk a lot. When she tells me things that she worries about, I share similar worries I had at that age and explain how I tried to deal with them. I don’t want her to feel that my main interest is what she achieves but rather who she is. And I don’t want her to feel ashamed about making mistakes but rather learn from
them. When friends treat her badly we talk about what might be the qualities a good friend should have. There’s a lot I’m not getting right but I’m hoping that in this way if things go really wrong, or there’s a risk of that, she’ll share it with us. I’m worried about social media and all the weird stuff out that young boys (and girls) are consuming online so having regular chats about things are one way of helping her figure things for herself. I realise even at 12 that she’s developing her own view on things and I want to make sure I’m at least a part of that. Good luck.

Lordy me, I used to pretend I was Spanish and my sister called herself Camille. What's wrong in pretending she is Japanese?

You sound very judgemental and like you want to punish her for not being perfect. She does small stupid things because she is a teenager, growing and learning. And you are looking at them to see if they have accumulated enough to punish her?? It's crazy.

I had to think for a while before commenting.

I agree with what you said. It's best if I'm someone she can come to.

Huge over reaction. You sound like one of those horrifically pushy parents who demand perfection from their kids and then wonder why the kids go NC as adults.

You need to talk to her, not just have a huge hissy fit and ban this that and the other. Way to go to destroy any trust or relationship between you.

That's fucked. The normalization of lying is fucked. It gets to a point where people can doubt what's real, conspiracy theories take hold, and they can't trust anyone.

You may do this but it doesn't mean op or her daughter should aim for it. And "white lies" usually aren't white.

It is scary some of the things kids are doing-hadn't heard of the hot car one, but have heard of the smashing the jaw with a hammer one that some teen boys are doing, and the girls using retinols/botox in their teens. I don't blame OP, or anyone else, for being scared. Lying about ethinicity seems more common now too, ironic as people tend to be more sensitive and aware now.

Reading this comment from my grade ii listed townhouse that I lied on my mortgage application to get approved for on my MacBook Neo that I brought an expired teachers ID to get a 20% discount on

Living modestly and honestly ain't for everyone.

You sound really controlling and intense. Leave her be. Let her find her own way.

Your 23 year old is dating??

My daughter and I had a long talk. Hopefully I got through to her this time. Her apologies and promises to change seem genuine.

She seems to understand that what she would primarily attract the wrong kind of attention.

Fingers crossed.

You’re going to need to keep talking to her about this stuff. About the sort of values she can have and about valuing herself. The best way to do this if she’s not coming to you for advice is to be aware of what is going on in her friend’s lives. Boyfriends are going to start to be more and more important. If any of your dd’s friends find themselves in difficult relationships, it’s a lot easier for your dd to get advice about her friends, or see you / others advising these friends.

Familiarise yourself with what is going on in the world of influencing, including the seedier side, eg Andrew Tate / manosphere and Bonnie Blue etc. It’s easy for girls, who don’t know who they are to get sucked in… and your dd doesn’t right now, especially as she’s created a persona for herself, does not know who she is. So it’s important to get her to start valuing herself. And that’s not by her appearance, that’s by who she is. So building her up as a person.

Just remember to always be as neutral and non judgmental as possible. Even, for example, if you find out she’s had sex. It’s a really difficult one to do. Your job is to be your dd’s rock and a soft place to fall if she needs to come back and feel your closeness. Ask questions about what she thinks about things, so that you get a feel for her values and can steer her in the right direction if you find some things are not right. In this way, she will start to build a picture of who she is and what she thinks and what she will and will not accept from others.

I think you sound a bit unhinged, tbh. Poor DD.

What? You sound like a really overbearing mother, sorry.

@Mummyoflittledragon and @Bestfootforward11
Excellent posts.

@TheChineseAmericanMum
That chat was a good first step. Remember, we never "get through to them" as the job is never done - it's a continuous process that goes into adulthood.

My brother used to call our mother twice a week when he was working abroad well into his thirties asking for advice on challenging projects at work, things that he found interesting that he wanted to share with her, as well as his love life. He still valued her input in his 30s when he was successful in a global multinational on a regional leadership role.

So, learn about your daughter's world, download tiktok, understand what her reality is, try to get to know her, and be fallible.

It's hard to break the hierarchy for these chats at first, but you'll get used to it - and you'll both find the relationship more rewarding.

Just to add a different perspective. When I was a teen, my mother told me to lie about my ethnic background (mixed Eur-Asian) and pass for white as boys might not want to marry me if they knew the truth. (Consequently I told everybody!) I understand that she genuinely thought this was good advice and was trying to protect me. But I feel angry about it all the same - the outright denial and betrayal - maybe a bit how you feel.

I still don't want to judge too harshly any boy at her school that may have been impressed by that

And yet you seem to be holding your own 14 year old girl to much, much higher standards. Maybe reflect on why that is, it doesn't look good given your heritage.

You also seem to be wildly unaware of how stupid teenagers are. Yes 14 is old enough to know right from wrong but I'd look at brain chemistry in teenagers to gain a higher understand of why they do such, seemingly idiotic things.