AIBU for harshly punishing my daughter for she lying about her ethnicity to impress boys?

[TheChineseAmericanMum]

My 16 year old DD is smart academically and also smart in many other ways. But it's like her brain turns off when thinking about a teenage boy she likes. She sometimes does the stupidest things for boys. She keeps getting mostly passes since she a top student and well-behaved in other areas.

Recently, a teacher was giving me glowing praise about my daughter's performance. Then the teacher mentioned that she didn't know that my family was Japanese as she assumed my last name is Chinese. I told her my family's ancestry is indeed Chinese. She said that maybe she heard wrong.

When I confront 16 year old DD, she confessed that she had lied about being Japanese. I asked why and she said boys will think she's cooler if she's Japanese instead of Chinese. I was so frustrated I had tears in my eyes.

I asked her how can she pull a stunt like this after she wasn't punished for the hot car incident. She said that technically she lied before that because her lie about her ethnicity to her peers when she started high school.

I told her that's it, enough is enough. She's not allowed to drive, I will drive her. She's not allowed to have boys over. No dates. No boyfriends. She asked until then and I said until further notice.

She said it's so unfair as her little sister, 13 year old DD, is allowed to date and can have boys over to stay downstairs if I'm at home. I told her that her 13 year old sister has somehow managed to be more reasonable with boys than she has. She said crying and I ignored her.

My husband thinks I was too harsh. I disagree. I think this girl needs to get smarter when it comes to boys before she grows up. Am I being unreasonable?

What if they don't believe in 'their' religion?

From what you say about your daughter, she is quirky, funny, very original, clever, and has definitely not found herself yet. I noted what you say about her sticking up for kids who are being bullied. So, fundamentally, you have a lovely daughter.
I think if you are angry, frustrated and irritated by her loony-teen behaviour you might right now have lost sight of all of the above.
Honestly OP their brains are like mush at this stage in their development, flooded with hormones, and fundamentally they are bat shit. My two youngest were, and one of mine sounds very like yours.
And I was no paragon of virtue as her mother. She drove me bonkers too. But like you I have a much more laid-back husband, who told me none of the madness mattered, and I have a bossy best friend who told me to praise the good and ignore the bad, and I (despite all my concerns) did that, and now aged 22 and 26 my girls are great now, a real pleasure to be around and still very, very funny.
So relax! Exhale deeply!
The bones of your daughter are great and she communicates well with you, so you are doing loads right. You can afford to cut her some slack. Nothing you describe is truly worrying though I do get the heat to the head about denying her identity (I too have a similar story but can’t tell as it would be too outing).
I’d bet good money she is going to turn out extraordinary, and you’re going to be really proud of her in the end.

Good job, I'm glad that you've given your daughter grace this time. She probably learned her lesson just from all this.

YABU. Totally and utterly bonkers in my opinion, completely over the top. The only thing I would say though is that it sounds like OP may be from a different culture where rules are very different and parenting like this may be normal (

For some reason half my comment got cut off when I posted… the rest of it said (I don’t know anything about chinese culture so I can’t say for sure) but I feel like if my mixed race child felt the need to lie to other kids about their ethnicity it would make me feel sad, not enraged. I would wonder why they think the ethnicity they actually are isn’t ‘good enough’ and I’d probably combat that by showing them lots of people of their ethnicity who are highly successful in areas they would admire.

A last straw for what? Being a teenager?
So you start off your OP with you being given a glowing report about your daughter to a harsh punishment for a complete non-event?!

Apologies, just had time to read full OP - only 9 pages so thought there wouldn't have been much of an update.
So glad you worked it out with her x

Please be kind to your older daughter. She needs kindness more than punishment. She needs direction more than castigation. She needs to be reminded she has a great family and a mother who loves her no matter what and that she can rely on you instead of being too frightened of punishment to bring problems to you.

If your oldest wants to be Japanese, who gives a damn. Remind her that once she makes a claim to an ethnicity or nationality, she is now wholly responsible for ALL of the information about that country and that culture. It is a tremendous amount of work, so is she really up for the task? One of the lessons she needs to learn is that life is easier being who you are because you don't have to study up and memorize massive amounts of data to pull off the switch. Gently help her learn that lesson.

As the mother of two daughters who both made it to adulthood in one piece, let me explain their teenage years:

My oldest one was the intrepid explorer who tried to do everything and was caught at most. She threw odd behaviors against the wall just to see if they would stick. She got into trouble with me regularly, most of which I regret now because she was just trying to make her way.

My younger one was the careful observer who accumulated data and carefully planned her activities with the least amount of detection and the greatest amount of plausible deniability. Your second one, like mine, will get away with virtually anything she wants to get away with because the oldest daughter will exhaust you, whereas the younger daughter has been studying you and she knows how to handle you.

If you think your younger daughter will not be the hellion the older daughter is it's because she's smarter than you.

Controlling teenagers is like holding sand. They need to learn how to assess situations for safety, especially girls. They need to learn how to do things that will help them become the woman they would like to be. Your oldest seems to be throwing things against a wall to become more popular, more noticeable. It's normal. Guide her through it. Read up on teenage girls. They are an entire species.

Just because we were once teenage girls does not mean we understand them. We do not. Their teenage world is vastly different than ours was. She is trying to be someone else because she doesn't feel seated in who she is as a person. Show her how great she is. Show her how great your family is, and more importantly, how great she is in the family. What she brings to it. And while you are doing that, give yourself lots of appreciation for being their mother.

This seems really over the top, for both the car and the lie.

Hmm 🤔 I have 3 daughters and none of them have made up silly stories about their ethnicity or anything else really to get boys attention .
They have just been themselves .
( To be fair they’re white , one would definitely pass for Spanish but I don’t think that makes her more interesting or cool where we live )
I think maybe she’s pretending she’s Japanese as it’s seen as being more “ cool “ and there is a big anime , manga and cosplay subculture.
Those boys are a bit gullible if they can’t tell the difference with the surname ?

She sat a car? Without an escort?
Wtf are you talking about?

Did you manage to understand if shame about her ethinc heritage might be a factor ? At her age the level of ignorance about Chinese culture from piers will be off the scale. It can be difficult to be proud to be Han when surrounded by a feeling of negative sentiment, even if she understands that comes from ignorance. Even if she didn't voice that, you need to have it in the back of your mind as a possible contributing factor. She may well be afraid to voice it with you for fear of repercussions, or simply because she knows it might disappoint or hurt you.
Kids and young adults are cruel. Snide or just unimformed remarks about eating habits, communism, corruption and poverty will definitely be something she has had to endure when identifying as Chinese. I know this first hand.

I don't know if the rest of you will see this as good news or bad news.

My daughter now has a boyfriend. I'm cautiously optimistic about it. She had told him that she had lied about her ancestry before they made it official.

I feel awkward about my advice to her of telling the truth because I now fear the wrong person may try to use her insecurities against her.

Whole scenario sounds weird.
You mention she is always doing stupid things. But suddenly you punish her very harshly for a silly lie. Just talk to her calmly and say she has upset you. And wby is a 13 yr old having boys around?
Frankly the situation seems off.

WRT her heritage, I would have thought she needs to come up with a strategy and stick to it. Deny deny. Or say it was a joke. Etc.

Hopefully this lad is nice. I’d be encouraging her to have him over. Always better on your turf if you can.

If ever there was a case for talking rather than action this is it.

I agree,

These are things she is doing to fit in and be liked (in her mind). She isn't being rebellious, she's being misguided and immature. She needs guidance not punishment - and actually she needs reinforcement that the way she is is just fine.

But most teens put on some kind of front to fit an image they imagine is cool.