To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

If you make yourself chief cook and bottle washer, then they will expect you to continue. Just tell the family that enough is enough and they have to shift for themselves. Cook one meal a day and stick to your guns. Sons and daughters need to be shown that women today are not skivvies.

To the poster who asked how I am feeling today.

Was feeling better till lunchtime , then napped , but we ended up low keying having a passive aggro tiff over chores again this evening, DH and I. Only after that, H threw in some breaded chicken in the air-fryer for DC supper.

DS revised most of the day, did two hours garden work mowing.

no one did any cleaning including me, H gone now in a hurt righteous huff for a hobby thing down our street. I suppose i might as well hoover. I might meet a friend for neighbourhood stroll after given its still not gone dark outside.

I do like my idea of asking to go 3.5 days a week - i genuinely think its a good fix for two years. H earns about 1K GBP more than me per month in take-home salary, with 1.5 days less working hours for me per week - say that would be almost 2 K difference then per mth, so I'd feel it was more even even accounting me doing just all the cooking, and most of the cleaning.

I'm a senior manager at work, but just feel at the moment like I am failing at everything to be honest , the balance doesn't work anymore and its affecting me

You're being asked to do too much and your husband isn't taking enough share of the load. Sure you know that

Very gently. Don't hoover. Your husband has two hands. He can cook and clean. He just doesn't want to. The more you do the less he will ever do

Your employer is highly unlikely to agree you working 3.5 days a week.

And it’s insane to a) drop a decent portion of your salary to basically skivvy after two lazy men and b) to take the hit on pension and career progression when your son will be moving out soon enough.

Why are you so resistant to demanding your DH step up? He has zero excuse. He’s not studying, he has all the body tasks required to learn and do things. If he took a fair share of the load off you, your life and energy would improve no end.

Yes you could have picked your battles and just made him an egg, but you were overwhelmed and the issue is that he sulked about it / used it to get out of further chores. Assuming you don’t snap at him very often that should have been an alarm bell that you were feeling overwhelmed / tired / at the end of your tether, so he could have chosen to react with kindness and understanding (a simple “ok no problem” in the moment and then a talk about it later, when you could have apologised for snapping but explained why) rather than using it as a tool against you

kindly that is not going to help. You will still be tied to an untrained son and a manbaby husband

Do you both work full time currently?

If DS is 16 I wouldn't be looking to reduce hours.

Get a cleaner to lighten the load rather than reduce your earning capacity.

Keep making them pull their weight. And get your health checked at the GP. You probably have low iron or something.

What did DH say in your passive aggressive tiff about chores?

What (reason) excuse does he give for not doing any?

Why did he go off in a hurt righteous huff?

And why in God's name do you think you "might as well hoover"?!
So many fun things you could have done with your evening!

You are actually training your DH to argue about chores, go off in a huff, and then you'll reward him by doing the chores yourself.

You have been given so much good advice on this thread but you clearly would rather be a martyr.

The answer isnt to drop some of your hours so that you can cook and clean for your two LAM forever. (Because one day your DH will retire from his job, but you won't. Ever).

Your son will grow up to be a lazy entitled man like his father.

It's really very frustrating.

How are you all eating do much? If I had scones and eggs and fruit for breakfast, im not wanting a big lunch, let alone a snack between breakfast and lunch. Also are your standards high - how often are you hoovering etc? At this stage I'd keep my work hours up, focus on teaching my child the skills he should have, and get a cleaner in.

Yes!

If I was in the kitchen I would say “I’m making cheese on toast , do you want some? But from early teens (12) Dc have been more than capable, and willing, to make their own lunch. And mine.

I would always take as much off them during revision / exam periods but what’s the issue with teens making lunch?

Omlette / stuff on toast / salad/ soup / fried rice or noodles etc etc.

When do you and DH actually get any work done with all these lavish meals? How long is lunch??

Hold on. She's made it clear already that she's from a different culture. Not that it excuses her lazy husband

This is not what this is about. It's about the fact that her husband is a lazy cunt. They are Asian and he's using that to keep her a skivvy

OP. Tell your husband to step up or fuck off

You do not have to gently politely diplomatically remind them. I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING SLAVE AND YOU MADE PROMISES TO BE MY PARTNER NOT AN EXTRA BABY SO STOP SULKING LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD, YOU CAN JUST STARVE IF YOU WONT COOK FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY is the tone you should be going for.
remember, you are still hoping to survive retirement with this man. You’ll be miserable for the next 30 years if you don’t put your foot down now and insist on being treated with some respect and getting some of the support you’ve given so much of. 30 years is a long long time, it’s worth absolutely any amount of arguing and holding the line now to get those 30 years set up.

You have one high schooler at home? They’re old enough to make their own breakfast/sandwich for lunch and snacks so I’m not sure why you’re getting involved with that in the first place.

No , I genuinely think those hinting on here that we are eating too much may absolutely be right ...Its something I have been mulling over and worrying on for a while now

This morning my son says he has a fever (did feel hot to the touch) and asked for paracetamol in the morning and said he had a tummy upset upto five times last night, which has me really worried

Can you believe it I told him the best thing would be dry toast in the morning to combat the stomach bug and let it settle - and lots of hot water to drink as running a mild temp . And my DS goes ' can I have dal and rice instead pls?'

Even ppl actually living in India whom I have seen would have dry toast for breakfast when having stomach bug and temp....!!

Getting soups from co-op for later today. So worried now about sick and exams

Your son is playing you like a fiddle.

His dad has taught him well.

Now it's time for you (and hopefully his father!!) to teach him some lessons on "life and how to cope with it without Mum wiping your backside all the time"

Otherwise you are setting him up to fail at Uni by being one of those people my kids have to live with in halls that are a PITA to everyone else

Say no, that with an illness you should have plain foods so as not to overextend or upset your digestive system. He can have plain toast or porridge or something else plain until he feels better.

Yes? She’s from a different culture… but she works in the UK. So she is working and then stopping work to cook meals that exhaust her and take a lot of time and effort. Being Asian doesn’t suddenly make people have longer lunch breaks or take less time to cook?

She's being expected to cook from scratch by her family

Soup will undermine the 'no dal'message, and isn't advised for a stomach upset. Plain toast or plain rice (lightly salted, no butter/ghee) for all meals today, not just breakfast.

He has a tummy upset but he wants rice and dal? He doesn't have an upset stomach if he wants a curry. So basically he's asking you to cook a curry from scratch for his lunch after saying he was up all night with an upset stomach?

The answer to that is no. No you aren't having rice and dal on an upset stomach