To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

He (husband) was doing all the chicken and fish dishes once or twice a week but I think it went down to once a week from twice then once in ten days , then now needs reminding /gentle nag or nudges

This.

@OneThingAfterTheOther

lazy

Everyone has been telling her not to do so much for her husband and son and that they should make their own lunch and breakfast!

You have totally spoiled your son. You’ve given him unrealistic food expectations, inappropriate expectations of women, and loss of his own sense of responsibility to look after himself and share in household chores. He’s 16 for goodness sake, not a child! Tell him he can make a curry if he’d like one, you’re busy!

Any improvement? Well, I don’t know. Do you want to stop making breakfast and lunch for everyone? If so, then you haven’t made any changes to achieve that goal. OTOH there seems to be a fairly equal distribution of labour (you cooked and washed up, your DH mowed part of the lawn and went to the supermarket, your DS helped with mowing). Your DH may have done more work TBH. Not that every day has to involve a scrupulous 50/50 equality of housework.

How do you feel about today?

This!!
OP I’m with you when it comes to cooking for your DC . I understand this is not a popular opinion , but I do and will continue to prepare meals for my DC for as long as they live at home.
However, I do not work full time, my situation is slightly different to yours.

But you definitely need to have a serious conversation with DH. It seems from your posts you do too much!!
It takes time to change attitudes and expectations, especially if he had grown up in a traditional household, but your DH needs to appreciate you more. You work full time - he needs to step up when it comes to household chores , and DC.

And I totally get why you refused to make the additional breakfast - he’s got a cheek!

She does the cooking in the evening too. Her DH cooks once every ten days or so and has to be reminded to do it. She does the cleaning too by the sounds of it

I know, I was just responding to the OP’s question about the day so far. I completely agree that she’s been doing too much, especially as it hasn’t always been this way. So it’s not a question of a pattern that has been deeply ingrained for her entire marriage but rather some relatively new habits that mean she has taken on the lion’s share of the work.

Who wrote the shopping list?

Your new tactic should be:

“DH, do you want to clean the bathroom(s) or batch cook a curry?”

”DS, do you want to hoover upstairs or downstairs.”

”DH, do you want to hoover (whichever area DS doesn’t do) or clean the kitchen?”

”DS, when you finish studying today I’m going to show you the settings you need to do your washing.”

”DH, will you mop the floors or dust surfaces?”

”DS, tomorrow we’re going to make X during your study break and Y when you have finished your afternoon revision.”

”DH, please have a look at some cookbooks/online recipes and plan what you are going to cook on 2 nights this week, and something to batch cook next weekend.”

I'm sorry but it sounds like you need to go back to the pre-covid routine 💯

My DH sorts our 6 year old DS breakfast (DS6 usually helps and is supervised to use the toaster) and I do school drop off.
DH picks up DS from school, and I cook tea on weekdays. 🥘

On the weekend DH will sort breakfast and lunch and our takeaway on Saturday.
My BIL usually cooks our Sunday roast (we are very blessed as he lives in the same street) and if I wash the dishes, DH will dry and put them away.
We are a team. 💕

My DS6 can separate the laundry into piles (whites/brights/darks) and knows how to load it and turn it on (all supervised), as well as helping to make the bed, tidy up and chopping stuff for our evening meal and set the table.
Your son needs to do a bit more especially as he will be going to uni etc.
He will need life skills for independence.

If you DH is ND, would a visual aid help?
We have a wipeable (weekly family) board in the kitchen, and it has our meals and activities on there for all to see. That way we know who is going what/going where/cooking.
If you go part time, what if DH cook 2 nights, DS cook one night and you cook 3 nights, with a takeaway on another night?
All positive ideas, it's entirely up to you, but you need to change the current set up 💯

@OneThingAfterTheOther

I don’t even t regularly make lunch for my 12 year old! In all fairness we’re not a “lunch “ family on weekends - usually a late breakfast then dinner - but in the holidays for eg I always have things he can grab if hungry ( sausage rolls , cold meats , fruit , etc ) I will offer if I am having lunch or if he’s had an early / small breakfast - but it will be a sandwich , toastie , soup - something quick and easy . If he doesn’t want it he is more than capable of grabbing something or making himself a sandwich. So I would think yours being 16 , it’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to do his own. I wouldn’t do evening snacks either - again, there is food here if he wants some. Sounds like you ( or others ) are making a lot of extra work for yourself

@SummerBoatingHouse

do you not worry about how your kids will manage to cook food for themselves when they move out if they are used to you doing it all?

Oh, and also OP… chicken goujons are a meal, not a snack.

For me, food is love.
That is how it was when I was growing up, that is how it is in our home now.
At 16 , they are still pretty much children.
I do not understand, nor practise , this mad rush for early independence, at any age.
They grow too fast as it is.
And - they’ll learn. There’s a whole life ahead of them, there’s time.

In addition to that, it seems children are likely to learn faster when they see the pleasure the preparation/cooking of the meals for them gives us.

We do it when we’re tired, overwhelmed, don’t feel like it, snappy, exhausted. We do it even when they are 16.
There’s some beauty in it , in the commitment we make to our DC when it comes to something so essential to life as food is.

@OneThingAfterTheOther forget gentle nudges!!
You need to be much more proactive.

See my previous post -
share out cooking days (3 you, 3 DH, 1 DS). Cook cleans up after themself, DS does dishes.
Share out cleaning - you do bathroom, DH does kitchen, DS does some vacuuming. Everyone changes their own bed, and launders their bedding. Etc etc...

Get a family planner calendar, write it on that, then no-one can say they didn't know, or they forgot.

If DH cba to make dinner on one of his nights, leave HIM to sort out an alternative eg HE chucks a pizza in the oven, or HE orders a takeaway.
Don't let him get away with not taking his turn and doing his fair share.

You started this thread because you were so exhausted and fed up with doing everything.
Your two lazy Asian men (your words) won't step up unless YOU make them.

suggesting that a 16yo, an almost adult, should be able to cook basic meals is in no shape or form mad rush to early independence.

@SummerBoatingHouse

this!! Sounds like romanticising women being domestic servants and young adults being infantilised

This ☝️ 💯 is spot on 👏

@OneThingAfterTheOther

My kids have been making their own breakfast and lunch since they were teenagers, yes. We have an air fryer, which makes it even easier. There's almost always easy food for them to make. Even if it's just toast. But I'll ask them when I do the grocery order if there's anything in particular they want. They all eat different things and I'm not making multiple lunches!

If I'm making myself a cooked breakfast or lunch, I'll offer to make it for everyone/whoever is around.

As for tea/coffee/hot chocolate, it's generally the case that they make it for me, not the other way around!

Don't use the word 'nag', not even in your own head.

Nagging is a horribly sexist term that men say to women as a put-down.

laughing at 1950's wives didn't work. My Mum was a 1950's wife and she definitely went out to work as did all the mums of all my friends. We learned to make sandwiches and so on and as we got older, to use a cooker and knives safely. The cooker in question was a gas one that had to be lit with matches and had no modern safety features so not appropriate for younger children. By 15/16 we could safely be left home alone. During exam time, my school didn't want the exam years there unless we actually had examinations so we went on study leave. My parents were both at work so I spent the day alone, sorted my own meals and scheduled my own revision. Honestly OP. WAKE UP

Why women?
It is parents.
Sharing the load equally , including meal prep.

Coming back to the OP, it is her DH who needs to step up, not DC.
DC will learn million times better, and sooner, by seeing the respect their father shows to their mum, by sharing the load and not treating the household chores and children rearing like it is ‘her job to do it.’
This is on him, as usual .
Do not make your DC stepping up to make up for the weaponised incompetence of DH.

A 16 year old, a near adult studying for exams, is expected to be cooking meals regularly for themselves , while their father , the man child who needs explaining about sharing the load , needs lists, and gold medal every time he does a school run, does exactly what?

expecting the 16yo to be able to cook for himself in no way excuses the husband. He should be modelling better behaviour.