To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

Oh and you're doing him an absolute disservice by not teaching him these things. My parents didn't teach me anything at all, my Mam would shoo us out of the kitchen when she was cooking and she did all of the housework. I left home at 17 and I'd never used a washing machine, never cooked anything other than a microwave meal, I couldn't even boil pasta. It took me years to teach myself how to function properly and even now I'm not great at cooking.

You still must work much harder on getting dh to cook for himself and for everyone. Otherwise you will both be retired but he will be relaxing and you will be planning and cooking and cleaning every day like you still have young children but you’re 70, and you will resent him every day.

Congratulations, you are raising another man child 👏🏻

Yes. A sharp knife is much safer to use than a blunt one, it’s less likely to skid, and I was there to ensure she used it safely. Ditto when she started cooking. I don’t think she’s ever actually cut herself or burnt herself (unlike me 😂).

How did you learn to cook and to look after yourself? I was expected to make a pasta sauce once a week from the age of about thirteen, and I always helped in the kitchen (both my parents cooked, my dad was the better cook IMO) so picked up bits and pieces of knowledge an also interest so as I got older I wanted to try different recipes and feed the family. I also had to do housework, ironing, and keep my own room clean and tidy. As a student, it was clear who still thought that fairies came to do the cleaning- they got pretty short shrift from the others- and also who didn’t know how to make tasty (and safe!) food.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with having a hot meal at lunch time and something lighter later, as it probably matches when you are most active and so is better for your metabolism. Not entirely compatible with home working, but there are ways it can be managed. Perhaps a slow cooker would help? @OneThingAfterTheOther

I think that many people are significantly underestimating South Asian cultural factors on this thread.

There is a huge emphasis on hot food in South Asian cultures. If you visit someone’s house, it is totally normal to be offered hot savoury snacks such as samosas or pakoras. These would be cooked from scratch, generally by the women of the household.

In the Sikh temple the langar (communal kitchen, generally staffed by unpaid women!) cooks hot meals for most of the day and evening. Think vast vats of rice or dhal, plus hot savoury snacks.

There is also the tiffin or hot lunch system in Mumbai, whereby hot lunches are made from home (again by wives or mothers!) and then delivered to workplaces. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/17/tiffin-the-history-of-indias-lunch-in-a-box-mumbai

There is also a missing piece of the puzzle in that South Asian multi-generational living often traditionally features a mother or MIL, who has completed her own child raising relatively young and then has charge of the domestic domain.

So it would be interesting to know what the domestic patterns were in the DH’s home life, although I can pretty much guess.

But he is in a modern marriage to a working woman, so needs to temper his expectations to what is realistic.

Turning to her son, some of the language used about a sixteen year old boy has been pretty nasty. Yes he needs to gain some skills in this area (perhaps he is good in other areas?) but he is only responding to how he has been raised (as we all do) and I don’t think the OP has anywhere described him as lazy, entitled or badly behaved? I am not sure that he has done much wrong, apart from be a bit behind the curve in one specific area. Some of the curt or dismissive responses are pretty unnecessary.

Nor is he destined for an adulthood of being unable to cook and hated by his peers. I was raised with very little experience of cooking meals (I grew up in a home that was tightly controlled by one of my parents) and just learned to cook when I went into university self-catering accommodation. The first night I got there, I cooked something to eat. It’s not difficult and you don’t need years of training. Yes, there were a few mistakes along the way but I didn’t poison myself or anyone else and it really wasn’t a problem. Lack of money to buy something to cook was more of an issue!

Great post!
Also, if I’m not mistaken, the poor boy is actually doing exams at the moment .
Lots of parents go overboard in looking after their child at this time.
Surely better to put off the revolution until the exams are over?

Agreed, now is not the best time for changes, regardless of what happens in other households. But learning to cook would be a nice project for after exams.

There is also a missing piece of the puzzle in that South Asian multi-generational living often traditionally features a mother or MIL, who has completed her own child raising relatively young and then has charge of the domestic domain.

It may be traditional for women to do all the work, but that doesn't make it right.

Particularly when this is not a traditional multigenerational household with a mother in law to do yell at her daughter in law to do all the work.

Sometimes Mumsnet just isn't the place to post. This woman is clearly exhausted and utterly fed up. It's not about how much extra time & effort it would have taken. It was the straw that broke her. The lack of basic emotional intelligence and compassion on this platform makes me despair at times.

You are cooking the toast and eggs for yourself anyway it would take 2 seconds to pop 2 more pieces of toast in the toaster and 2 extra eggs in a pan
Its not like they take hours to cook its literally minutes and you are doing it anyway
Very petty, there must be ALOT more to this

Tell him to make his own curry. All of this sounds miserable. Neither of them are pulling their weight around the house by the sounds of it. Your son sounds very spoiled. And you are being pressured to indulge him by your husband by the sounds of it.

And you've not to get takeaway incase he gets a bug and you've to tutor him too because your husband says so?

Holy hell. I can't imagine the concept of a 16 year old boy not even being able to make a sandwich for himself - and being disappointed when he has no chicken curry for lunch

The fact that this family are Asian doesn't entire the 16 year old to have a cooked from scratch curry by his mother for lunch - and then express disappointment when he only gets a sandwich. As you said. His mother works. She's not his skivvy. He could make himself toast or cereal for lunch. If this were a family who weren't Asian I bet some of the responses would be very different. Particularly not even being able to press a button on the washing machine

I bet you feel tired all the time from running around after your son and husband. You do all the cooking and the cleaning and the hoovering and when you suggested a sandwich for lunch he wanted dal. Tell him to cook his own dal. Seriously. I would be downing tools for a bit after your sons exams are over. They want food - make it themselves. They want a clean house - clean it themselves

Your husband wants someone to tutor your son - pay for one

Yeah. The fact that her husband is selfish and treats her like a skivvy might be part of her resentment about eggs on toast

When my DS was at nursery the did stuff like cutting peppers and tomatoes up for snacks at 4.

I am certainly not saying that it is right. I am saying that this pattern or model might very well be present or unconsciously ingrained in the expectations of the DH, even if he doesn’t realise it or voice it himself. The big clue is in the behaviour of the FIL when he has visited from India.

She offered at the point where she started cooking, @Gizzywizzywoo - and at that point, it would have been easy for her to add a couple more eggs and some toast. However, he refused her original offer, and then waited until she was about to dish up her breakfast to change his mind and ask for toast and eggs - and at that point, it would have meant cooking a whole second breakfast - which was very unreasonable.

Thanks everyone , all the posts have been very useful and given me a lot to think about. Indeed it is a fact that DS must leave for uni in 2 years and needs more life skills esp cooking and cleaning up.

Day 1 post OP ,

DH up and about doing work deliverable in the morning then he went to mow front lawn. Asked DS to the back garden

I toasted scones and eggs for them and they came into have that for breakfast. With fruit. DH made the teas for everyone.

DH went to do the weekly shop with a list. DS studying here at kitchen island , I am making aubergine dal and rice with roast plaintain. DS had kiwi fruit for snack that he cut up some for me too.

Any improvement re above? not really? Will leave evening tea /supper cooking to DH tonight (or tomorrow's cooking to him if we have leftovers from lunch for this evening) and report back tomorrow. No one has talked about or done any cleaning ! , but I did do a small dish wash load in the morning. Will ask them to do one room hoovering each when I catch DH free and DS after revision

@OneThingAfterTheOther

do you ever just think oh I can’t be arsed I’ll just chuck a pizza in the oven?

Thats what I will do for tonight if husband bails

@OneThingAfterTheOther

why would you just accept him bailing? Don’t be a martyr

@OneThingAfterTheOther if you feel better/lighter then the situation has improved. It doesn’t matter what we all think or what we did with our kids, it’s coming to a point where you feel less overwhelmed and perhaps more appreciated that matters here. Small changes can be significant and probably more sustainable than huge shake-ups.

It's not just about teaching your son life skills Op. It's about teaching him that it's not yours or any other woman's role to do everything for him. I get that he's 16 and in the middle of exams. When I was 16 I bet my cooking wasn't fabulous but I absolutely could cook a hot meal for myself.

Is there a reason that your DH expects you to do most of the cooking? And from scratch as well?

More like he's just subtly covertly avoiding it more and more esp. weekends, re Husband and cooking.

At least the Sun is out today !