to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

Absolutely not unreasonable, what a piss take and they should be ashamed to be in cahoots in abusing your goodwill.
It's not the fact they have had a few days to themselves, it's the deception.

What was the outcome of their chat with you other than apologising?

They sound a but thick posting pictures on SM for you to see.

YANBU

But I suppose the big question is, do you want to do anything about it?

I too would feel taken for granted - secrecy in this kind of set up is… duplicitous.

That’s ridiculous! Coming from someone with 2 under 2 who’s mum and dad look after the kids 2 days a week I could never imagine doing this. So so out of order

The fact they went to the bother of dressing in work clothes lets you know that they both knew they were taking the piss. I would be very very annoyed at this . What possible explanation did your DD give you ? Might even make me reconsider my childcare arrangements. Actions have consequences.

Time to change your terms. Tell them that you'll only be available for two days a week as you're going back to college or similar. You can always tell them later you changed your mind and decided to have more adult only trips away or something!

Ouch, they should’ve been honest with you. Perhaps it’s time to reduce your availability for childcare. You said that you retired a few years ago so is the eldest child at school now? Perhaps they should organize some nursery days for the youngest.

You've already helped out a lot @zeezay and saved them a ton of money. You don’t have to continue with full-time childcare if you’d like some days out too.

Its ok to tell them its too much for you to look after two young children full time any more. You don't have to do it.

"I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare"

... that's because you have. Time to make a stand and invite them to make alternative arrangements.

Was it a one off or is this something they have been doing weekly ?

At least once a month sometimes twice. They both WFH part of the week.

For how many days a week are you providing childcare op? I agree with pp they should have been honest with you and turning up dressed in work clothes is deliberately deceptive.

Another batshit thread about grandparents doing free childcare! There is so much of this atm.

Obviously yanbu op and obviously you feel misled... because they misled you. This is the stuff of (bad) soap operas and I honestly find it quite surprising you need to ask anyone if you abu! Yanbu, very clearly.

Just that she and DH barely get any time to themselves which I understand but I am not sure what they expect with two very young children who need a lot of attention.

This

I’m sure you would have allowed them lunch together if they asked

3 days a week. It is really tiring.

i would just do a lot less childcare going forward. Very ungrateful of them.

Did they ask you to retire?

That's outrageous. I'd drop most of the childcare.

3 day is a lot. Could you reduce to one day a week?

They do get an opportunities to have lunch together when they WFH. I don't begrudge them that. They sometimes pop out to a local cafe or restaurant.

Do they not qualify for 30hours a week childcare for working parents? Or tax free childcare?

I don't think you are being unreasonable in how you feel. I am very careful never to use grandparents for childcare because it doesn't feel fair- they didn't choose to have grandchildren.

However, my husband and I do send our daughter to nursery and occasionally take time off together. It's literally the only way to get time to look after our own relationship, or to crack on with a major "job" around the house (which can be some deeper level cleaning). And we only have 1 child. So I don't think your relatives are being unreasonable in having some time to themselves on days where they have "childcare" agreed. Indeed, this is the main sort of thing that I do ask for grandparent childcare to enable - taking them on holiday with us, so my husband and I can get a dinner or spa trip in by ourselves, or dispatching my daughter to the zoo with them, so I can sort out the attic.

The issue here is the lack fo trust and clarity.

You are clearly starting to resent what you are doing, regardless.

Yeah, they’re not gonna stop. They’re just gonna cover it up better.