to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

My SIL did exactly this to my mum, pretended she was working so dumped the children with her whilst she had a nice day off. My mum wasn't pleased when she found out even though she was perfectly happy to have the children.

WOW, this is awful of your daughter to do this! My MIL does half a day childcare per week for us and I always rush home from work to pick them up because I feel guilty. I could never imagine taking advantage like that. If we wanted to go out or something we would plan it and ask for childcare, why lie!! Also what would annoy me more were they really out the entire time they would normally be working?! I doubt it! If they'd even said we've taken the day off to spend some time together would you mind having the children for a few hours or the afternoon or something but to pretend it was a whole work day is awful. YANBU to be very upset by this

It isn’t blackmail to point out she’s hurt at the moment. She’s currently seeing them for 12 days a month, that’s a huge chunk of time, if that drops to 4 days a month will she miss them?

She’s saying at the moment she doesn’t want to do anymore days at all. That’s absolutely her prerogative. All I am saying is take a breath and work out if it is hurt at the situation (which she doesn’t actually have clairity on, she’s just seen on SM), or if she genuinely doesn’t want to do any more days at all, before she decides what she really wants.

All these posters egging her on to just drop the CF seem to forget that at the moment she gets a significant amount of time with her grandchildren and that will change.

This is very poor of them Op, they've treated you like a fool, did they think you'd never see their SM and put two and two together. If you find 3 days too much then it's time to pull back, especially now you know they're not above lying to you to get extra time to themselves.

But she could still see the children as much as she wanted she just doesn't have to provide care for them. Its like you think providing free childcare is the only way grandparents get to bond with their grandkids? You must be heartbroken at all the grandfathers not providing free childcare and missing out on this special bond?

They have taken advantage. You're right to feel upset about that. Just remember that what you do in response will have consequences itself.

You could go to them and say they've taken the absolute piss, you're knackering yourself watching them 3 days a week and if they're capable of taking off 2 days a month together you expect them to for example use of the days each to take the kids so every other week its only 2 days instead of three and if they are able to take the second you're happy for them to have the day off together. E.g. week 1 with you 3 days, week 2 dad takes a day off, week 3 both off but you have them the 3 days, week 4 mum takes a day off.

You could say if they have holiday you expect them to offer to have the kids and you might watch them sometimes, sometimes not.

You could give them notice to drop a day or two. Or all of them! I would encourage you to give them good notice though - where I am childcare lists are a year long and suddenly dropping them could really screw them over. You may think well served them right now while you're angry but if you're suddenly no longer doing childcare and they're really pissed at you and won't come over or let you look after kids other times because you've said you can't watch while they work because its too difficult ... well that has a big impact on your relationship with the grandchildren and you may come to regret it down the line.

Basically don't make rash decisions but I'd certainly be laying down the law on their cheeky fuckery.

Only if they let her see the kids which if she wrecks the relationship they may not.

If she provides no childcare and they are working all week they really may be having family time at weekends etc and OP may go from 12 days a month to seeing them for a couple of hours with the parents every month or couple of months. The relationship will be different. OP needs to cool off and be prepared for that to be the case.

It shows a lack of respect and appreciation, also duplicity.
I’d be telling them you can’t help any more. You don’t have to make excuses , maybe simply say you want more time to do things you want to do. Give them some time to make alternate arrangements.

I don't go on social media but a friend showed me so that is how I found out.

What a horrible thing to do to you.

Just came on to see if posters had begun to argue that the OP will never see her GC if she doesn't provide free childcare.
And yes, here it is.
Has anyone said yet that her DC will go no contact? That's next.

Well if she tells the parents she doesn’t want to look after them 3 days a week and they put the children in nursery as is suggested- how will she then see them 3 days a week? Many nurseries encourage keeping the children in their booked days to keep the routine.

A friend of mine her parents had visions of the parents dropping the kids at nursery and them being able to stop by and take the kids out for the day if they fancied it that morning. -it was an absolute no.

I am not saying she won’t have a bond or it will affect her relationship with her grandchildren. I am saying she is hurt and she is angry, before she makes any rash decisions based on strangers on the internet feeding her outrage- just pause, take a breath and decide what she actually wants.

@zeezay well that explains it, they thought you'd never find out, how very devious of them.

I think that you should stop now; they’ll work it out - they have two wages and can claim free hours of care.
They realise how tiring childcare is but don’t see that it’s more difficult for you being older and on your own.
It will initially be unpleasant but they’ll come round; I did after school care for years and was under a lot of pressure when I stopped. The children went to a childminder and were happy and I got my freedom and energy back; however I felt like my help was not appreciated - it had become an expectation.

No one has said she will never see her grandchildren if she stops caring for them.

A few of us have just pointed out that before she becomes stoked with the righteous indignation frothing on this thread, she should decide what she actually wants.

If she tells them they a CFs and she doesn’t want to do anymore childcare, she needs to be prepared that they will take her at her word and that they will make other arrangements. If she then calms down, has a break and decides that actually she wants to do one day a month they may well not want to disrupt arrangements again.

It’s worth just cooling down and deciding what she WANTS, rather than reacting in the heat of the moment.

She also only knows what her friend has shown her on SM. I think she needs to ask them calmly about that. It might be a misunderstanding. They might have posted weekend photos on the weekday for example, they might have had meetings in the morning and gone out for a few hours at lunch, they may well be taking the piss. I think it’s worth getting clarification on that before going in all guns blazing.

It's sad that they knew that they couldn't ask you to have the kids so they could spend a day together occasionally, as from your post, you would quite clearly say no.
If you're finding it too much and are resentful, reduce the days you help. By canceling altogether would mean you see less of your grandkids, as they'll be in nursery those days. Unless that's what you're hoping for.

Hrmm, the deception isn’t great but having young kids and working is really tough on a marriage. You’re always mummy or employee and get very little time to be a person or partner.

My partner and I occasionally used to both take a day off work, and have what we called a pretend mini break, we’d get a nice lunch, go and see a matinee or go to a gallery, then get the kids from nursery. It was our only chance for any time as a couple, and doing it in the evenings was unviable as babysitting costs ££££ and our kids wake up at 6 so we were always exhausted and in bed by 9:30.

We can’t do it now the eldest is in school because of the school holls issue but having the occasional break did make us nicer, kinder, less stressed parents, and honestly more likely to stay together - the shift from being a couple to being parents takes a toll and lots of people get divorced or break up because the relationship can’t take the strain of little kids.

It IS cheeky of them to do it this way, but maybe instead of withdrawing the childcare you’re doing, you could have a chat with them about how they are coping, and getting time together, and also about how you are coping and what you can handle and can’t

The OP has already said that she's finding three days a week tiring and
"I think it is fine for couples to take time off when someone is minding their kids when it is done openly."

The children's parents are taking advantage of her.

If it was a choice between seeing my GC once a week, or providing childcare 3 daya a week, I would choose the first option. OP has already said she doesn't want to do any childcare.
Maybe all the indignation is because women apparently can only retire when they die.

If you don’t want to look after them, then don’t.

I would be very hurt and angry if I were you, OP. I would probably want to express that to them. The deception is bad, plus the lack of care about how hard it is for you.

If they complain they don't get much time together, they'll just have to be grown ups and realise that now they have two young children and that's how it goes. Also, I'm sure you would have had them to let them have time together on occasion - and they already WFH together and get lunches! It's a lot more than a lot of couples.

I'd also feel like I didn't want to provide any childcare, or I wanted to cut right back. I'd want a real, heartfelt apology as well!

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it. @zeezay

You are minimising it, they intentionally deceived you and I would be so hurt by this.

I know you've spoken to them but does your DD really understand the hurt they've caused and is she genuinely sorry?

You're being taken for granted and it's up to you if you continue to allow it or not.

Personally I'd scale back to one or two days or just afternoons instead of the whole day, you're retired and mew t to be enjoying life.

It is rough, but it's what you sign up for. Taking care of their marriage is their responsibility, not OPs. They could have asked and been open about it if they needed time. They've been so deceptive, it's so rude. They are younger than OP, it was their choice to have kids - why should she be exhausted looking after them 3 days a week, while they get regular time off together?

I’d be really upset about this too. Especially as they obviously know how tiring it is to look after little ones.
If it’s too much for you, or you just don’t want to do it any more then just tell them. And make it clear that you feel taken advantage of.
At a push, I might offer to have one of the children one day and the other one the next but that’s just me. Still tiring!

Sadly you now know your daughter can lie to your face.
I would be so disappointed in them both, particularly my daughter.

They both WFH so probably get a lot more time together than most couples.

However, I wouldn't rush to make any decision now.

I would take a couple of weeks and tell her that it has become too much and she needs to find alternative care for the children.

I definitely wouldn't link the two issues.
Stick to the facts, it has become too much for you.

Two children under 3 is a huge amount to commit to care for 3 days a week.

She really should be ashamed of herself.
I think they have completely taken you for granted.
Their behaviour is so entitled.