to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

That’s honestly outrageous. Not as if you’d begrudge them having some together if they asked you outright about it.

My DM takes our three every other Wednesday for the afternoon/evening so I can stay late at work and adhoc evenings. Recently she offered to have the younger two over night but we can’t leave eldest yet so I said I’d actually find it more helpful if she could just come for a couple hours in an evening so we could have a bit of time together, as I do get time to myself when husband takes the kids and vice versa and she was happy to. I highly doubt she would have felt the same if I’d claimed I needed to work and then went on a jolly.

Thats very hurtful for you but i think its relatively common but certainly not ok. At work i notice a lot of couples take time off together while somebody else is minding their kids.
Myself and husband always took separate annual leave except if we were going on holiday so one of us was always available for kids sick days and there were lots of sick dsys in nursery.
I would stop babysitting for them.
When they are paying somebody the going rate they can see how much time they can have alone.
I would be so hurt.
They are so sneaky

I think it is fine for couples to take time off when someone is minding their kids when it is done openly.

I would tell them you find looking after two young children very tiring and how hurt you feel and that you need to drop days

Are the off doing things that cost money on their “date days”? If so they can hardly justify using high childcare costs as a reason not to have the kids in paid childcare for even part of the week!

Yes it is ok, but when they run out of annual leave and have to bundle up a sick child into a car to drop to granny to be minded, it isnt fair either.
When mine were sick, they loved a cosy day in their own house with either me or husband

I mean... if they worked the morning and took half days maybe on a whim then I probably wouldn't get worked up over that. I kind of feel like if I agree to provide childcare for x amount of hours for my sister for example, it's not really my business how she uses that time.

But if they've literally dressed for work purely to bring them to your house and then taken the full day off then that's utterly strange.

If you are feeling 2 is too much op then you need to tell them. Even if you were doing one or two days a week that would still be a huge saving for them.

Sounds like a couple need to find a nursery. They deliberately set out to deceive you. They knew they were taking the piss and it backfired.

Being taken for granted gets right on my tit ends.

If you are having the children 3 days a week and they are having full days off, sometimes twice a month, they either have absolutely amazing annual leave or are buying back days from their employer, so if they can do all they they can afford to either use the annual
leave to free you up or put them in nursery.

It seems your daughter has a very sly side. I couldn’t imagine been so deceptive to my parents.

would you object to them having days out together if they had asked? It such a strange thing to do.

What high childcare costs?! Do they not get the free funded hours?

I'm sorry you've been taken for a ride OP, but is it possible they had the impression that you wouldn't agree to mind the children if they were open with you? Just trying to see where they're coming from as this is extremely bizarre behaviour.

This. I provide childcare for family on a weekly basis and what they choose to do with that time doesn’t really bother me. I agreed to watch the children for X amount of time which is primarily so they can work. But if they book a dentist appointment or run errands or decide to just sit at home all day and watch tv I really wouldn’t be any the wiser and it wouldn’t impact on me as long as they picked them up at the agreed time.

It’s great that you’ve been subsidizing them with free childcare so they can afford all these treats and days out! When we had two under 3 I was working part time and had zero money for anything really, as childcare took up all our extra money. I’d never have treated my parents like that though, it’s very dishonest and just nasty really.

One of the things I liked about paid childcare is that I could take a days annual leave and actually get some time to myself. Without guilt.

If someone was minding the children as a favour to me...I could never do that. Unless they specifically offered to take the children so I could relax.

Uanbu reasonable to say you can't continue with regular minding...hopefully you can give them time to get something else sorted. And without falling out with them! Just that it's getting too much for you.

I hope they’re contributing towards your retirement in some way and ensuring you’re looked after otherwise. Care is provided goes both ways.

Are you sure they are having full days out and it isn’t just a few hours when they are WFH

That said it’s entirely up to you how much or little child care you do, if you feel you’ve been taken advantage of it’s ok to pull back.

Id just take some time to think about your relationship with your grandkids before you make any heat of the moment decisions. You are currently seeing them a lot and may take that for granted. If you were to only end up seeing them once a week or once a fortnight would you be happy with that?

Total lack of respect for you. What you are doing is exhausting and very very time consuming. I would be feeling unappreciated and so angry. Tell them you can’t physically carry on doing this for them.

That’s horrible OP, I’m so sorry.

It’s immensely disrespectful. You were providing the childcare so they could work and they knew that. If they’d wanted you to have the kids so they could have “time together” they could have asked you specifically for that.

All these days they’ve been having for jollies are days they now can’t take when kids are sick or to spend time with their kids or to give you a break!

As you’ve been feeling exhausted anyway, I think you should say it’s time to end this. Say you were happy to help for a while, but now it’s time for you to actually retire. And rest.

Two under three is exhausting.

My kids are teens, but honestly, I absolutely couldn’t do care for little children now. Not even the sweetest, best behaved ones ever.

They should surely be getting some funded nursery hours now for the eldest at least? I’ve forgotten what the rules are for that but they need to find out!

I think you have every right to be upset OP.
You are looking after 2 very young children for 3 days a week and must be exhausted.
Your daughter and her husband are extremely fortunate to have you in their lives and supporting cc.
The majority of people I know have no where near that level of support and couples only time is a rarity for most parents.
I think you need to bring this up with them OP, in a non confrontational way.
Otherwise, your resentment will understandably grow.
Your feelings are perfectly justified.
Take care OP

I'd stop helping your place.

Not quite the same thing, but when I was 16/17 I helped neighbours who were stuck for childcare while they had a parent in hospital. I refused payment, since this was a healthcare matter.

They kept asking me to help out every Saturday night while they were visiting the hospital...

There were three primary school age boys and an infant girl... and they weren't easy.

Then I found out that they were going out dancing... I didn't have the courage to tell them what I thought of them. Neither did my mum...but she told the wife that I was too busy studying for my exams. (True, actually.)

They kept trying to persuade me to go back. I feigned incomprehension.

In your case, OP, I'd be going back to work... or simply telling them that the free ride was over.

That's awful of them. Tell them you are no longer up to it, which it sounds you're not.

"I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it."

That would be it for me. To go to the effort of coming to my door dressed as if for work - there's a Scottish word for that - sleekit. Rough translation is sly, knowing, underhand, dishonest, dishonourable. That sums up their behaviour towards you.

I'd be devastated, and withdrawing from the immense favour you have been giving them. Had they been honest with you - ' Would you mind taking care of the little ones whilst we have a down day?' - it would be different, but they took advantage and lied (by omission) to your face. I'd be so disappointed in the pair of them.

Unless they worked the morning then went out? And yes, they should have discussed it with OP, but I'm talking about whether it was deliberate deception (seems unlikely as posted on SM).
OP, just have an honest discussion about what you're happy doing.

I don’t want to be that person but in most places (unless a term time only 9-3 pre school type setting), the hours are funded not free. Our bill for 3 full days went from £700 to £450 - a definite improvement, but not free!

ps love the username!

That’s incredibly rude and deceitful of them. How dare they treat you that way! You agreed to look after the children to enable them to work, not for time off together. That’s a completely different situation.

3 days a week was already an enormous ask of you. Doesn’t that actually work out as you looking after their kids solo more than either of them do?
Tell them you are taking a few weeks break as you are exhausted and they need to make other arrangements. Then consider how much (if any) regular help you want to give them.

I completed understand why you feel betrayed and also what hard work it is. But u agree with a previous poster, try not to act in the heat of the moment. You might really miss your grandchildren if you don’t look after them regularly. It builds such a special bond. Maybe offer to do one day a week? And tell them that you expect them to be honest about any babysitting that is for them to go out. There’s a comedian whiners a funny bit about how when you become a parent, you regress to having to ask your parents if you can go out, a bit like when you lived at home!