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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

457 replies

zeezay · 23/04/2026 18:30

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeezay · 23/04/2026 19:08

Overthebow · 23/04/2026 18:59

3 day is a lot. Could you reduce to one day a week?

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I don't feel like doing any really.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 23/04/2026 19:10

If its too much you need to tell them. I don’t blame you for being angry. Fair enough if you are paying a nursery, take some time off, but very underhand getting dressed for work and leaving kids with you whilst they go out. Not on.

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 23/04/2026 19:10

Ooh that’s not on, so sneaky to literally dress up like they’re off to work when they’re not. That’s what takes it from being a bit fucking cheeky but whatever, to slightly mental.

Weatheronshuffle · 23/04/2026 19:11

God that's awful. What a pair of pisstakers.

I'd pull back from regular childcare tbh. They've clearly got enough annual leave to use for dates so they can use it to look after their own kids.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/04/2026 19:12

How old are the children and how long have you been doing this?

TomatoSandwiches · 23/04/2026 19:13

Did they ask you to retire?

Happyjoe · 23/04/2026 19:16

zeezay · 23/04/2026 19:08

I don't feel like doing any really.

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Then don't. Don't give up out of revenge though, give up because you've said that the care is taking a lot out of you. It would do with them so young.

Sending hugs and am sorry they've taken advantage of your good nature, as well as the lies.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 23/04/2026 19:17

I would be absolutely furious OP, they have taken the piss and for me it would be a huge turning point. Are things 'awkward' because they are so apologetic and remorseful or because they are annoyed?

DemonsandMosquitoes · 23/04/2026 19:17

zeezay · 23/04/2026 19:08

I don't feel like doing any really.

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Say no then. My mum said no and did emergency and ad hoc cover only. No resentment at all. DH and I got no time to ourselves, just the way it was. I’m not quite sure why you’re persisting in doing something you don’t want to do. Life’s too short.

Namechangedasouting987 · 23/04/2026 19:19

Wow unbelievable...
What a piss take.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 23/04/2026 19:20

If you don’t feel like doing any regular childcare then stop.

It reads like you were finding it really hard but felt this was a necessary sacrifice for your family, and now realise your sacrifice wasn’t really needed after all.

id drop to just doing emergency ad hoc stuff when they need cover, say when a child is too sick to go to nursery/school.

BruFord · 23/04/2026 19:21

zeezay · 23/04/2026 18:54

Just that she and DH barely get any time to themselves which I understand but I am not sure what they expect with two very young children who need a lot of attention.

Edited
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Duh, that's what happens when you have young children, you have less time as a couple until they're old enough to be at home alone, i.e. teenagers.

If you've decided that you don't want to provide childcare anymore, give them ample notice so they can make other arrangements, and step back. I'd give them a specific date so there's no confusion.

As I said upthread, you've done a lot for them and if they make a fuss when you step back, keep pointing this out. You've given them years of childcare already.

TelevisualArseGravy · 23/04/2026 19:21

I once agreed to help one of my children with childcare after an operation as her DH couldn't take any time off to look after her/the children (one was just a few months old). They lived in another country. I flew out there, flew back with my daughter and the children and then had booked flights to go back with them to help out for a bit longer.

Her DH facetimed a few times and was having a lovely time having taken a few days off to "make the most of the nice weather". Very stern words were had and I didn't fly back with them.

I love spending time with the GCs, but they were taking the absolute piss. Put your foot down OP.

ThejoyofNC · 23/04/2026 19:26

I'd give them notice to end the arrangement. It's really deceptive and ungrateful and to be honest they don't deserve the amount of help you're giving them if that's how they are going to repay you.

saraclara · 23/04/2026 19:32

Two under threes for three days a week? That has to be exhausting.

You don't need to tie it in to their behaviour if you'd rather not. It would be absolutely reasonable to just say that you're finding it too much at your age.

BruFord · 23/04/2026 19:33

saraclara · 23/04/2026 19:32

Two under threes for three days a week? That has to be exhausting.

You don't need to tie it in to their behaviour if you'd rather not. It would be absolutely reasonable to just say that you're finding it too much at your age.

@saraclara Exactly. It was a big ask in the first place.

godmum56 · 23/04/2026 19:34

Nofeckingway · 23/04/2026 18:48

The fact they went to the bother of dressing in work clothes lets you know that they both knew they were taking the piss. I would be very very annoyed at this . What possible explanation did your DD give you ? Might even make me reconsider my childcare arrangements. Actions have consequences.

this precisely only without the "even" Baseline is that this is lying CFery.

Butterme · 23/04/2026 19:45

I would just say to them that you’re really struggling and for them to find other childcare.

It can take a good few weeks to find childcare and so if you’re struggling now, then I’d say it sooner rather than later.

I would be very angry that they lied to me and tried to manipulate me after I had been so kind.

They chose to have 2 kids.
They are not your responsibility.

Delphiniumandlupins · 23/04/2026 19:58

I absolutely don't blame you for withdrawing childcare. They can pay for their childcare now and it's their own fault. They'll have less time and money for nice little days out together.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 23/04/2026 20:00

ThejoyofNC · 23/04/2026 19:26

I'd give them notice to end the arrangement. It's really deceptive and ungrateful and to be honest they don't deserve the amount of help you're giving them if that's how they are going to repay you.

This.

Im a mother of 2 under 2. A 3 and 1 yo is a lot.
They are absolutely taking the piss.

I'd maybe consider 1 day if you love the children but this is terrible.

Original poster
zeezay · 23/04/2026 20:04

TelevisualArseGravy · 23/04/2026 19:21

I once agreed to help one of my children with childcare after an operation as her DH couldn't take any time off to look after her/the children (one was just a few months old). They lived in another country. I flew out there, flew back with my daughter and the children and then had booked flights to go back with them to help out for a bit longer.

Her DH facetimed a few times and was having a lovely time having taken a few days off to "make the most of the nice weather". Very stern words were had and I didn't fly back with them.

I love spending time with the GCs, but they were taking the absolute piss. Put your foot down OP.

That is really cheeky of the DH. I think it is good you didn't fly back with them. I am thinking I should take some action rather than just carrying on with childcare.

OP posts:
GOATYOAT · 23/04/2026 20:14

They have really taken advantage of you here. They are upset that they don’t get to spend any time together, despite working from home? Did they think was going to happen when they had two children so close together?
Drop it to one day a week and do something for you for a change.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2026 20:18

Childcare costs they Should get 30hrs for both children

and you retires to look after them - so guessing you are down in income as well

they can find a cm or nanny

Jellybunny98 · 23/04/2026 20:29

I would give notice if you don’t want to help out anymore, it is really rude of them.

I do think this is the danger when grandparents do regular weekly childcare for work purposes, it then doesn’t feel reasonable or doable to ask them to do a weekend day or evening so that parents can actually have a bit of time. I think by far the better set up boundary wise is to just have grandparents do adhoc date night/lunch/dinner childcare if they want to do any at all rather than tying them in to multiple days a week every week.

My parents are in really good health in their late 50’s / 60’s but they would find it really difficult to look after my two very young children for 3 days a week every week!

blushroses6 · 23/04/2026 20:51

So cheeky to lie, i’d be really upset. My DM has my two 1 day a week while we work which I am beyond grateful for. She does offer to have them on a weekend for a few hours if we wanted to go out for dinner etc but I don’t take her up on it too often as I don’t want it to ever feel like a chore! My in laws do 3 days a week of childcare for their other grandchild plus fairly regular weekend & evening babysitting and look exhausted.