to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

They are totally taking the mickey out of you. As a mum of 3 who has zero help (unless its paid childcare) I am quite shocked by there deception. It'd absolute exhausting having little kids but they are lucky they have help. Unfortunately the more support you offer some people the more entitled and spoilt they become! This is a prime example of it.

If this was done to me i would be pulling back childcare commitments with a simple "clearly you don't need me as many days a week as I thought you did so I will be doing 2 days a week from now on. Those days are X and Y as for the other days I have booked C, Y and Z. Followed up with "I am so glad you need me less now as I am finding it exhausting having the grandkids 2 days a week"

Op they could have time as a couple if you babysat now and again there taking the piss out of you tbh. 3 days is hard for parents why should you be suffering for them. They chose to have kids so close together I would be having words saying I don’t want to keep doing this it’s exhausting I would rather babysit now and again so you can have dates night but I’m having them almost as much as you are and your both a lot younger than me. There is another post on here about a similar situation but the op is afraid to leave work even though she’s ready for retirement she knows her kids will take advantage of her. Can they afford childcare because if you weren’t around they would have to cope life is too short for you to be doing this all over again.

Very hurtful of them OP. If they had said they wanted some adult time together you might have been happy to help but lying is mean.

There is totally no way that i would offer regular child care for my grandchildren, (i have three)

I do not mind back up cover, such as illness cannot go to school nursery whatever.

I did the whole rearing children, parenting struggles, etc.

Once is enough.

Before you get too angry at them, it's possible they thought you didn't mind or even enjoyed babysitting. If you took the step of retiring specifically for this, offered to do so, then haven't mentioned that its more tiring than expected, it's a reasonable assumption. In which case, they may have thought that if you've agreed to do three days, it doesn't matter if they aren't at work a few days here and there. After all if they hadn't gone out, they probably would have both just gone to work, so you would have still been doing the childcare on that day.

Now this is not to say you should keep doing it. I think you should stop straight away. But you havent been honest with them either, you've been acting like you are fine with doing it but secretly resenting them. Maybe they could have been a bit more intuitive, yes, or asked for less - but these things require ongoing communication.

Explain to them very calmly that actually this situation has brought to a hesd the fact that all the childcare is too much for you now.
You appreciate that, as a couple, they would like to spend some non-work time together and, if they organise childcare for their working hours, then once or twice a month you would be happy to babysit for a couple of hours so you can spend some 1:1 time with the chiuldren and they can go out for dinner, a drink, a trip to the cinema or whatever.
You've enjoyed it but now can't do it any longer.

My mum was almost in your situation, she retired to help me with my baby, and offered to have him one day a week. However she quickly found she hated it and it was much too tiring. Luckily I realised, and we ended the arrangement after a few months. This was absolutely fine with me. But if I hadn't known, it might have continued. With me thinking mum is enjoying her day with dgc, and her hating every minute. That's not fair to either of us.

I'd be a) cross b) hurt c) stop doing 3 days a week!
I care for my little grandchildren a couple of days every week...and like you stopped full time work to do so to make their lives and work doable.

But they WORK on those days. Occasionally they will ask for a few hours extra...birthday meals and the like which I will happily do, or a wedding they are attending, but they would never take the piss like that!

3 days is a lot (as I know... til this year I was doing 16 hour days with mine due to dd and sil nursing shifts) and in your case I would sit them down and say it's too much, and that you are cross that they were lying to you and that they need to make other arrangements.
Tough luck if they aren't having much time as a couple... that's the reality with small children and they are very lucky to have had so much support!

Be firm!

Honestly I can't believe someone would treat their own mother like that when youre doing such a massive favour. . They don't realise how good they've had it do they. I think you should stop child care.

Tell them how you feel and let them sort out childcare themselves and get on with your own life doing what you want to do! They don't own you!

What's the plan, will you have a word with them?

Your retirement is your down time, you shouldn't have to look after 2 kids under 3.

Unless they are earning £100k plus they should get free hours at Nursery. Ask them to look into it and you can still have them, just for less time.

I would just be honest with them and tell them that you can’t manage anymore. You could carry on until they find other childcare if you feel you can. That way you will be free to watch them for a couple of hours occasionally to let your daughter and her dh to have time to themselves.

Two small children 3 days a week is a massive commitment and must be exhausting! I would give them notice to end the arrangement. They've done pretty well out of you.

To go to the trouble of pretending to go to work when they're really not is incredibly deceitful.

They are taking advantage you but you chose to retire to help so unless you tell them how will they know?

My mother in law watches our little one (2 years old) and i constantly worry it’s too much for her. It is one day a week from 9.30-2.30 and MIL says she loves it but it clear that anymore would be far to much, that’s fair enough. We got a childminder for the other days who is fantastic and actually lives round the corner from MIL. You’ve taken on ALOT to help out, I would struggle with 2 under 3. Honestly I wouldn’t even consider it but the fact your daughter has intentionally deceived you is horrible! No wonder you feel taken advantage of because they have utterly taken the piss and they know it!
stop doing it! Tell them that you can help out once a month at the weekend but that’s it.

I'd be devastated to find that my D had treated me like this. How utterly selfish. I think you could say that you were already planning to let them know that you wanted them to make other childcare arrangements because it's far too much for you. I'd give them 2 weeks notice and leave them to it. Does your daughter understand that she has really damaged your relationship and that she will need to work to repair it? It beggars belief that they would be so selfish and so stupid.

I’m sorry they have treated you so poorly. Maybe it is time to give them 30 days to arrange other childcare.

So they were pretending to go to work, dropping the kids off in work suits and stuff?? Then flouncing off to lunch whilst you wrangle two toddlers?

And they are okay with this?

And you're her mother?? Likewise, MIL??

This is disgraceful behaviour.

It's lovely of you to look after your grandchildren.
You are clearly finding it too tiring.

Possibly the outings were not full days and not as many as you imagine but it would have been correct for DD to have told you and thanked you for your child minding.

Make some changes so that your efforts are sustainable, Op.

Offer only one day per week childcare plus the odd babysitting for dates and emergencies.
Find yourself a paying job for one or two days per week and take up a hobby. Splurge more on your own self.

Then don't. Give them some notice so they can find an alternative, then stop.

Your daughter and her husband are bang out of order here. What a pair of cheeky fuckers! Childcare for such young children is going to be very tiring. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.

The deception would really infuriate me. You were trying to facilitate them working and they threw it back in your face.

If you don't want to do childcare anymore after this then don't. Withdraw it. Personally, I would tell them why too. Tell them you will now only provide occasional emergency childcare on an ad hoc basis. Tell them that you feel deceived and totally taken for granted so it will be hard to trust what you are being told now.

If it didn't matter, and the CFs were acting in good faith, why the disguise in work clothes?
The OP has never said she secretly resented doing the work. She has not been dishonest in any way. Stop making shit up.

You're right about one thing - communication - and the CFs have been industriously covering their tracks and deliberately misleading the OP.

Pull back with the child care, let them deal with it themselves and give your self a break for a while at least.

I would just wait for them to ask you, and when they do, just say

" No"

The OP has never said she secretly resented doing the work. She has not been dishonest in any way. Stop making shit up.

She said to us she doesn't want to do it at all - but (that she has mentioned) she hasn't actually told them this. They may well have thought she enjoyed it, in which case this would still be wrong but it would be bit bit cheeky, rather than a terrible wrong.