to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

There are several truisms that came to mind when reading your post op."
You cant pour from an empty cup."
And They have "poisoned the well"

Because of their behaviour you are stressed resentful and exhausted.
No other child of yours ( sorry wasnt clear if you had more children) will be able to call on you for the level of care they did.
It is entirely possible that they will be angry or resentful because of your withdrawal of giving a self damaging level of help to them.
A solid betrayal of you, what you have done for them and their siblings.

I would be very tempted to tell them now, so they have time to make other arrangements. That they have indeed poisoned the well. That you will help them out until you go on holiday, but on return you are stopping regular childcare but MAY be available for emergencies. Obviously though this type of thing should be distributed evenly amongst grandparents or you will continue to feel taken advantage of. ( Looking at you grandad)

I expect there will be a huge pushback because of the expense etc and im absolutely sure that there will be "no available childcare places"... So I would also check out (phone) some nurseries first so you can hand them a list. Proving they haven't tried. If they havn' t. Then use the lovely holiday to get over it rather than having to think about it until its done.

@zeezay It's not your responsibility to look after their children because they don't like their personal time being limited.

What they have already done was an absolute p1sstake.

@zeezay
Them wearing their work clothes to fool you shows they were playing you; and going on social media shows a certain strain of assumptive arrogance
The apology was probably grudgingly made so henceforth the awkwardness
Tell them they don't take advantage any more as youre now going to charge for days you take them (up front)
And even then YOU decide those days, not them
They take or leave it
Also, did you willingly retire or did they romanticise "the joy" of grannyhood??

I did willingly retire so that is on me. I didn't quite realise how hard it was going to be!

OP, I do feel they’ve taken the micky but to withdraw all care of the children would be rather dramatic, and as others have said they might take it out on you by not facilitating time with the children which I think you enjoy (albeit not three full on days a week).

After your week off you could perhaps say you were feeling drained and need to reduce to one day a week. That’s not a lie. I think I’d be inclined not to mention you know about the cheating not working/jolly days.You know, they don’t know you know but might wonder if you have guessed, which puts you in a much better bargaining position if needed in the future. That way, you still get to have time with the children but on your terms.

OP, unless the FIL has wronged you personally in some way, I find it grating you keep referencing him.

YOU and you alone decided to take on this level of childcare. It isn't a case of a shared agreement where you have ended up doing the lot. The grandfather isn't a factor, only your deceitful dd and sil is.

Take the week away, rest, recalibrate, return and inform them that from June 1st you will no longer be available for any fixed agreement childcare. Say it, mean it and take your life back.

No FIL didn't wrong me and it was not a case of shared agreement.

Fine if you find it grating, but I am allowed to reference him.

I will make my decision on what is best for me.

But the issue is you keep talking about how he does no childcare. Neither of you are obligated to. You made your own decision as an adult. It has nothing to do with him, at all!!!

I am making a comparison between myself and him which I am allowed to do.

I didn't say you weren't but what you don't seem to understand is that no one has to do childcare for their grandchildren. He made the decision not to or wasn't asked and you now seem to be using this as a stick to beaa with because he isn't doing as you are

The issue isn't him and whether he does childcare or not it is your sneaky underhand dd and sil.
If you want to stop then stop hut don't blame it on the fact that fil isn't doing any childcare

For wahts its worth I think youre right to take time out and do things you enjoy as they really have been using you and you sound lovely to have given up work to support them

I think the point is you've basically realised you should be having a carefree retirement like the fil. I think now is the time to put YOU first. You've done more than your fair share.

Sounds like just what you need, to get away from everything for a bit. Could you plan to meet friends after you're back so you have something to look forward to once at home also?

The oP's point is because FIL chose to do nothing, she rightly or wrongly allowed herself to commit to too much.

She now realises it was a mistake.
FIL has no interest but OP has agency to rethink her involvement.

They have lied, taken the piss, made a bit of a fool of her, and felt so entitled, they put it up on SM, her friend felt she needed to be alerted.

I would be furious at being made a gool of, but the bigger issue is OP is tired and worn out.

This is a thankless job clearly.
Time her entitled daughter had a dose of reality.
Lets see how many days she takes off while paying for childcare.

No one who really valued a parents sacrifice would dream of risking doing this.

I really think her daughter and husband are right pieces of work.

That is a good idea. There are often things that I can't do on certain days because of childcare.

I understand why your frustrated at that situation but it sounds like he has set a firm boundary already with regards to childcare so now you should do the same.

That is why I am having a week away to think about what is best for me after weighing everything up.

Excellent you need to prioritise you right now so I am glad you are doing it.

Don't let them guilt trip you for doing so. They seem the type 😞

That's a fantastic idea and make that time for you to do the things you have been missing out on.
My parent look after my dc before and after school 2 days a week. I am teacher so just term time but we are so unbelievably grateful. I made sure that they dont take holidays in school holidays as the costs are crazy, and we manage with after school clubs, dh working from home and me arranging after school responsibilities around this. Its easier now they are both in school but when they were young we worked it so my dh took time off etc when they were away.
We only ever ask for any extra if there's an emergency or out anniversary. Other than that I couldn't ask for more as they do so much for us already.
Please dont miss out of the things in your life that you enjoy as well, whatever your decision is make sure you put yourself first.

I find it really notable that they kept their childfree outings a secret from you. I can’t imagine lying to my own mother in this way when she’s just spent a long day looking after my kids for free. The fact they didn’t openly talk about what they were doing shows they know it was wrong. They should be ashamed!

It sounds like you're more upset you weren't told they weren't working than them actually having time off together. If you're happy having the children does it really matter what their parents do in the time they're with you. Explain to your DD & DSIL that you'd like to know if they want time off to spend time together rather than going to work then you can decide if you need a break without feeling bad about letting them down when they do have work on. I care for my Grandson while my Son & DIL work but if they were off work & I fancied a break I'd say I couldn't have them without feeling guilty, whereas if they were at work I feel bad saying I need a break as I feel it causes them issues with childcare & I hate adding to their stress.

Do go ahead and start planning your social diary and getting all those dates in. There's nowt wrong with putting yourself first. Spending quality time with friends old and new is one of the great pleasures of retirement. You've already put in a lifetime of child-rearing and working, so your time is rightly yours to do with as you please.

Look OP - you sound like you dont want to help them anymore, which is totally fine, this is your prerogative. If they want to withdraw seeing you so much with grandchildren, thats on them too. I think youve been over generous and youve had enough as they seem to be liars (lack of a better word) Stop giving them childcare. I do suspect you will be quite bored/lonely when you give it all up, but i think it might be for the best.

I won't be bored and lonely. There are things I have been wanting to do for quite a while that have been on hold.

I am never sure why people assume someone who doesn't provide childcare daily for there grandkids will be bored or lonely. The ones I meet often have very busy, active lifestyles.