to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

There are several truisms that came to mind when reading your post op."
You cant pour from an empty cup."
And They have "poisoned the well"

Because of their behaviour you are stressed resentful and exhausted.
No other child of yours ( sorry wasnt clear if you had more children) will be able to call on you for the level of care they did.
It is entirely possible that they will be angry or resentful because of your withdrawal of giving a self damaging level of help to them.
A solid betrayal of you, what you have done for them and their siblings.

I would be very tempted to tell them now, so they have time to make other arrangements. That they have indeed poisoned the well. That you will help them out until you go on holiday, but on return you are stopping regular childcare but MAY be available for emergencies. Obviously though this type of thing should be distributed evenly amongst grandparents or you will continue to feel taken advantage of. ( Looking at you grandad)

I expect there will be a huge pushback because of the expense etc and im absolutely sure that there will be "no available childcare places"... So I would also check out (phone) some nurseries first so you can hand them a list. Proving they haven't tried. If they havn' t. Then use the lovely holiday to get over it rather than having to think about it until its done.

@zeezay It's not your responsibility to look after their children because they don't like their personal time being limited.

What they have already done was an absolute p1sstake.

@zeezay
Them wearing their work clothes to fool you shows they were playing you; and going on social media shows a certain strain of assumptive arrogance
The apology was probably grudgingly made so henceforth the awkwardness
Tell them they don't take advantage any more as youre now going to charge for days you take them (up front)
And even then YOU decide those days, not them
They take or leave it
Also, did you willingly retire or did they romanticise "the joy" of grannyhood??

I did willingly retire so that is on me. I didn't quite realise how hard it was going to be!

OP, I do feel they’ve taken the micky but to withdraw all care of the children would be rather dramatic, and as others have said they might take it out on you by not facilitating time with the children which I think you enjoy (albeit not three full on days a week).

After your week off you could perhaps say you were feeling drained and need to reduce to one day a week. That’s not a lie. I think I’d be inclined not to mention you know about the cheating not working/jolly days.You know, they don’t know you know but might wonder if you have guessed, which puts you in a much better bargaining position if needed in the future. That way, you still get to have time with the children but on your terms.

OP, unless the FIL has wronged you personally in some way, I find it grating you keep referencing him.

YOU and you alone decided to take on this level of childcare. It isn't a case of a shared agreement where you have ended up doing the lot. The grandfather isn't a factor, only your deceitful dd and sil is.

Take the week away, rest, recalibrate, return and inform them that from June 1st you will no longer be available for any fixed agreement childcare. Say it, mean it and take your life back.

No FIL didn't wrong me and it was not a case of shared agreement.

Fine if you find it grating, but I am allowed to reference him.

I will make my decision on what is best for me.