to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

Time to stop. Major piss take from them.

That's so rude of them! Taking the p*ss and taking advantage of your kindness
I've never had help with the DC, just the two of us working and juggling childcare at nursery and school. I'd have been over the moon if we'd had another option, and certainly wouldn't have taken advantage.
It sounds like you need a break from it all, OP, to give you time to work out what you want to do moving forward.
Why don't you tell them that you need (at least) a few weeks off and then you'll be in touch. Sod them, they can take leave if they can't find other care for those weeks. It would be the same as if you were ill, suddenly they'd be having to do all the childminding themselves.
Then when you have worked out what you want to do, get in touch. But don't be guilted into anything, or being pressured into 'just an odd day' if you don't feel like it.
Also, once they're a bit older and around other kids, they will have the endless colds and stomach bugs typical of childhood - will you be willing to have that in your home when you could easily catch something (and be more ill than them)

Aww love, this has to stop. I have DGD one day a week, and will have two under two soon. I absolutely refused to do more than one regular day per week, which is very tiring, as I also look after elderlies.

One day is enough, that’s over 30 hours per month not including emergencies and occasional babysitting. You are probably doing 100 hours a month.

edited to add a point about the free childcare.

Childcare is very expensive, but if you’re a similar age to me OP, when our DC were at nursery 30+ years ago, there was zero free child care or help, so our entire wages went on it. Has your DD and her husband been honest about how much financial help they get from the government with free childcare and tax benefits. My DiL is admittedly a teacher, but with my day a week, her working four days a week and having a term time nursery contract, they pay nothing, not a bean, for their childcare.

I think your DD and her husband need to reassess their childcare arrangements.

How to spell it out.

They lied to her. They dressed up in work clothes to deceive her. This is not cheeky, this is a deliberate falsehood.

Funding kicks in a lot earlier now (when mine were little it was for when they turned 3 but I am sure it's younger now) so I would give them notice and say that from September you are unavailable.

I totally empathize, and the parents absolutely should be taking the children out with them on their days off.
I’m freaking out about a big (gigantic) birthday coming up, but I can still remember those days I spent with my daddy - or with mum.

But I’d ask you to please look at this from the children’s perspective - because I too spent the majority of my time with my grandparents.

Granted, I had both, but it was so special and magical. I learned things from my Nana that my mum could never have taught me - or maybe I would’ve refused to learn from her. She taught me how to cook fried chicken and pot roast and we baked angel food cakes together once I got older.
Those little kids are sponges - and you are their water. ❤️

I think it must be very tiring to have both children all week - is there anyone else who can help?

I’m happy I never worked from home - I’m the goof off queen. No motivation. Can’t concentrate. Too many distractions at home.

I hope you and the kids’ parents can work everything out - they’re worth it.

3 days a week looking after 2 children is exhausting for anyone at any age. I would speak with your DD and say this is too much and give her notice to find alternative childcare. Do they use a nursery currently?

My parents helped us with childcare but it was just for 1 child and for 2 days a week (at their request, we asked them to do 1 day and they said they wanted to do more). We were hugely grateful and my parents loved the time with DC. However, we were aware that one child is exhausting and every 3 months we would reassess if the arrangements were still working for my parents.

You have saved your DD & her DH thousands in childcare fees, I hope they are suitably grateful and can appreciate that in retirement, having already raised your children, you would like your time back to enjoy your retirement.

If they thought they wouldn’t mind they would have just been honest. No one is that stupid to not realise that looking after two under 2 for 3 days a week isn’t exhausting.

You really have been a saint and they have taken advantage a bit. For the sake of your grandchildren and family relationships I’d talk to them about stopping/tapering down so that they can find other childcare (maybe 2 more weeks of 3 days, 2 more weeks of 2 days, 2 more weeks of 1 day). That hopefully allows a bit of time for them to work things out.

Ive not rtft but ive seen a few threads lately on here that grandparents shouldnt be doing all the childcare. Maybe a worth a wee read for you, not sure how you'd find them specifically.

The biggest issue that stands out is them getting dressed in work clothes to fool you while they went for a day out.

If theyd asked in advance, "look weve not had any time to ourselves lately, would you mind if we took a days annual leave together to go out on a bit of a date in two weeks time?" Would you have been accomodating?

I wonder if they'd asked nicely and then returned with a lovely bouquet of flowers and thank you card for all that you do, things might be ok. But instead theyve chosen the dress up and lie option.

I think your within rights to reassess your life. Is there things youd like to do like a choir, womens lunch group, art class, bus day trips, short courses like gardening in your community?

I dont think its healthy for you to reture into essentially an unpaid job of fulltime nanny while getting shown little respect in return.

Maybe time for you to be a part time nanny.

Id book a 1 month cruise or something asap and leave them in thr lurch for a start. Absolutly ridiculous and selfish so they are.

Id send them a link to this thread and say nothing else.

I would just give them notice. If they take the piss now they’ll continue with other things. I know three grandmothers from the primary school run who have been doing loads of childcare for over a decade now and they’re exhausted. They want to be doing their own things now and it’s hard because they have to factor in kids.

My neighbours are the masters of taking the piss with childcare. The dad took 3 days off work recently in term time and lied to Nan who does the before and after school care. He sat in his study when she was there for the before and after school care to pretend he was working. They are utter bastards.

My partner's father looks after all the grandchildren in the family. (my partner and I were never able to have any) but there are plenty of kids from the other siblings (my partner's siblings' children, and then my partner's father has stepchildren from his second wife, and there are about 6 grandchildren from them).

There are around 9 or 10 grandchildren in total, as there are some sets of twins.

The poor man is exhausted. Definitely regrets agreeing, but he doesn't want to back out now. I don't know why, as none of the parents work. A couple of his 2nd wife's children are on benefits, and my partner's sister doesn't need to work any longer as her husband is so well off, but they all still drop their young kids with their grandad.

He has aged about 10 years in the last year, and has so many health issues. But he just won't say no. His ex wife (my partner's mother) saw him the other day and told us how horrified she was, as he looked as if he was about to drop.

You need to look after yourself, here. They took the absolute piss lying to you, and WTF with the "dressing up for work" scam?? That's some level of deceit!

I'm sure you don't want to cut anyone off but I'd be taking a huge step back.

Time to stop. You are tired and they are taking advantage. I used to take a day from work occasionally to complete some chore around the house and mine still went to the childminder. But that was so I could get on in peace and she knew I was doing it. If I finished early I would pick them up. That was a business arrangement. You are doing this out of the goodness of your heart, I'm sure you could be doing other things just for yourself and they could pay for childcare.
BTW. I hope your pension hasn't suffered by you stopping work.

How dare they take advantage by hiding this.

If they want to treat you like paid childcare they should use paid childcare.

I think you'd be reasonable to stop the arrangement entirely, and then only help out when it suits you in future.

As a Granny, doing regular childcare (v willingly) over the past 8 years, I would be incensed, and hurt.
I would be letting them know this in no uncertain terms.

This is pure emotional blackmail. OP is fully able to have a good relationship with her grandkids without being exploited by their parents. Go see if this crap works with absent or lazy fathers, but I suspect it would never cross your mind to.

OP is this really how you want to spend your retirement, providing free childcare for a couple of lazy, entitled users? When do you get time to yourself to do things you enjoy?

Good grief, they are outrageously CFs. You don’t want to do it you say, and the fact they have been lying to you would be reason enough to stop frankly. Start saying no. You have been taken advantage of long enough surely? Get your life back and let them look after their own kids!

What an awful thing to do. I would take a break immediately.

Stop doing it - you’re retired. It’s time for you to enjoy yourself.

My 70-year-old sister is currently practically killing herself looking after three grandchildren under 5, three days a week, plus some overnights. She seems incapable of saying “no” to her daughter, and is exhausted. It seems so prevalent nowadays.

Put your foot down and tell them your not doing it anymore.

Bloody CFs! That's totally out of order. I don't doubt you're knackered and that now you don't want to do ANY childcare; I don't blame you.

I'm sure that if your DD had specifically asked you to take the DGC for the day so she and her DH could enjoy some downtime, you would have likely said 'no problem'. But it's the fact that they deceived you, turning up in work gear and not giving you the choice to say yes/no.

3 days a week with 2 little ones is bloody hard and they are taking the piss. Time for a re-evaluation of the situation where you get to claim some time back for yourself so you can enjoy your retirement to the full.

I would book myself a nice holiday and do no more babysitter in future unless I offered to spend time with GC.

I agree but to deceive someone else is entitled and spoilt behaviour. If you dont feel like doing anymore childcare dont.

If you want to stop then tell them that. It is all well and good when it is theoretical but the reality is sometimes much harder. My Mum provided childcare for my sister's children but she had my Dad so there were two of them. They did alternate days, Mon, Wed, Fri. Then when the next one came along, the eldest was in school and they did 2 days, Mon, Wed because they still needed that break and just couldn't manage 3 days anymore after 4 years.

Tell them you cannot do this anymore, do not feel guilty about it. If they posted on here and said you had provided childcare for years then everyone would be saying you should be grateful you had that. They are lucky.

Tell them they need to start looking immediately for alternative childcare. Claim your time back for yourself. They are not your children. Do not feel bad about it.