AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Did you? So did you always reply quick to your mums texts and whatsapps?

Ahhh, no you didn't, because they didn't exist... so it was a lot easier for you to get through the day without those constant interruptions. I expect you know that, but its easier to enjoy feeling superior, isnt it?

Ok…..so has two children, they are her priority surely? And her messaging you at 9 in the evening is probably the ideal time for her…….children settled and asleep and she can relax and catch up with family.

A few messages back and forth isn’t going to impact so much on your bedtime routine is it?

If it irks you that she is quick to message when she wants something then take a step back…..don’t be instantly available, it won’t hurt for her to wait a while and remember to check your own schedule before volunteering to demands.

Not always true. I can be in a meeting or on the middle of doing something at work. A message pops us, click the screen and scan it. Responding takes time and headspace I can’t afford.

Not rude she is just busy. She is managing her time and reply to message isn't something that is top of the list.

I never reply to text within 24 hours. My parents are lucky if they get a reply within a week but they know I am busy and if its important will call me. I also reply late evening (anything from 8pm onwards) as that is when I usually have a spare 5 seconds. Its not because I think my mum is in bed that I reply then.

Quickly glancing at a message and replying are two very different things especially when you are taking care of a toddler while feeding a baby at the same time. I often don't look at my phone for hours even tho mine are teenagers. As someone else said earlier a txt is not a summons

Adult children do not owe their parents their time and attention!

Every time my mother tantrums about how I don't put enough time and effort into her I withdraw a little bit more.

I take ages to reply to text messages. Part of this is due to raging ADHD, and part of it is due to the resentment of the expectation that I should be constantly and immediately contactable. I'm so fed up of texts, phone calls, voice mails, emails, post, WhatsApp/Facebook messages. And also partly to do with being busy. There's no such thing as sending a quick reply, the other person will try to engage you in conversation and want to know when you will properly reply. I'd rather wait until I can sit and properly consider the message and reply.

Texts generally aren't urgent or important, so don't warrant an immediate response.

How often do you text? If it’s frequently, she’s probably having to manage your contact the best way she can. If, when she does reply, she friendly and chatty, I wouldn’t be too worried by the delay. If not, then maybe try less frequent contact and a bit more empathy. If she has a 3 year old and a 6m old, it’s probably 9 by the time she’s got them both to bed and had something to eat! I think you’ve forgotten just how time-consuming and draining it is, looking after two young children. Maybe you did manage things perfectly, but she’s not you. She could have two children who are not good sleepers, which can be hellish!

You didn’t have a mobile phone back then @GoldenGran !!

I wonder whether your daughter would agree with your username

Oh for goodness sake, don't be that person.

You can't expect people to be at your beck and call 24/7 just because instant communication now exists and we tend to carry it around with us.

Don't forget that when you were bringing up your children, if someone knocked on your door or rang your landline and you were out or busy or didn't hear it ring - too bad, they missed you and would have to try again later. When your mother was bringing you up, it was a door knock or a letter (and I promise you that a letter did not receive an answer on the same day and the door sometimes simply went unanswered/visitors were asked to call back later).

You've allowed your expectations to creep too high and, to be blunt, need to remember that the world doesn't revolve around you.

@GoldenGran, kindly, you have reminded me of one of my mother's "show off moments". For context, the children were about baby and 3.5/4. It must have been a school holiday because ds was home.

She rang mid morning for a chat. I couldn't and said I'd ring back.

Then, from memory, the baby needed feeding, the baby needed changing, ds needed lunch, the baby needed feeding and changing, the baby had a nap, ds got some of my time, the baby woke up and needed feeding and changing, we had a walk to the shop and bit of time in the park, got home and they will have wanted something/needed attention. Then it was tea time, and tidy up time, then bathtime, feed the baby.

Mother rang, totally pissed off and gave me ear ache for not ringing back, I tried to explain and was told to manage my time. The call ended and I was upset at the complete lack of understanding and empathy, it was all about mother.

That call was a one of the lightbulb moments where I started to understand I was not that important to mother beyond the cover. She was nasty.

I still remember that call and the ticking off and being told to manage my time. I had literally not stopped between demands. The saddest thing about remembering ot is that I'm 65 and those children are 31 and 27.

Think on.

Alot of the time my phone is in another room so I don't have to content with all the pings untill I'm ready. The only time my phone is on me all the time is when my teenage children are at school or out so they can get in touch in an emergency.

I have similar aged children and I do this to my mum. Not on purpose, I just read a message from her and then a child needs me and I forget about it. It happens with everyone who messages me not just my mum. I’m not going to leave my children to cry while I finish replying to messages. My children come first. The same thing is probably happening with your daughter. It won’t be personal, she’s just busy.

She's replying at 9pm because thats after the kids are in bed and she can now sit down and answer you properly rather than a rushed reply earlier.

I thought you were going to say she takes a week to reply!

You're being massively unreasonable

This.

I know people who take weeks to reply - one nun took over 1 month …. Not everyone is glued to their phones. And she had two very young kids!!! you sound overbearing.

You say she can be dismissive towards you. I wonder why this is🤔.

But you didn't have people sending you texts and expecting an immediate reply, did you?

The irony of OP disappearing from the feed and not replying.

Maybe she doesn’t always gave her phone on her so it’s not distracting around the children and she can give them her full attention.

Your daughter is busy with her children all day. I'm assuming that she replies to your message after she has got the children into bed and asleep. Why does she have to work to your timetable when I'm sure she is busier than you?

How old are you? Your 9pm bedtime seems very early. Maybe she thinks that is unreasonable and if you stayed up a bit later, you could have a chat with her.

I'm with you op. Surely we all prioritise our messaging. So, say a colleague or friend messages I'll get back to them later when it's convenient.
When my dm or dc message I reply if not immediately then as soon as I can maybe an hour or 2 if I'm out.

All these posts saying 'oo messages take time you've got to stop what your doing' etc, well everyone manages to scroll non stop on their phone even with such apparently <on here> massive demands of having kids to look after.

Parents and kids should get replies, everyone else can wait imo.

Why should she have to jump to it? You are just deciding when and how to impose yourself on her day. The expectation that she will drop whatever she’s doing in order to prioritise you is the only rude part of this.