AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Slow… clap….

For people that say they reply quickly, I take it you must have your phone open all the time, in your hand, or on the sofa next to you, or at the dinner table, on hands ffree in the car? On a walk? Down the shops?

My phone is in my bag most of the time. Its there now. I dont hold it in my hand and I dont have hands free.

But you didn’t have a gadget in your pocket where anyone in the world could get hold of you instantly. If this was the 80s/90s, would you be calling her every single day, maybe multiple times a day? If you had left her a voicemail, would you have expected an instant call back? Would your parents? Of course not, because people read messages/listen to voicemails when they can, and then come back when it is convenient. You’ve come across very entitled and dismissive of the demands on your daughter’s time, OP.

Though I’m cackling at the thought of your husband raising his eyebrows with a quiet, “Well, I told you so.”, at the response you’ve received on here 😂

Blimey, I can’t believe OP has gone to bed without updating us. She should really manage her time better.

I find switching attention difficult so if I’m working or even chilling watch tv, I find it difficult to suddenly switch and think about replying to texts. It’s jarring and irritating. So unless it’s super important I rarely reply straight away.

^This 💯. She’s just not managing her time in the way that her mother wants her to.

She has two tiny children and she’s in the trenches of motherhood. YABVU. I try to keep up with messages but I have too much going on. I’m not always on my phone. I don’t care if people take ages to reply either.

she's not rude, she's just busy. Put yourself in her shoes, imagine looking after your kids at that age and but having the added pressure of having to instantly reply to someone if they texted/called.

My mobile phone is for my convenience, not so other people can demand my immediate attention. Also have 2 small children, work full time and life is busy.

Edit. I’m a bit incredulous about the ‘when I had kids I managed my time’ and i can see why she doesn’t reply to you right away now. You aren’t her job, her kids or her responsibility, go and manage your time doing something else until she has a minute to get back to you.

No its not rude. So much to think about. No need for "she can get im touch if she wants something " perhaps that msy be trust. She has more roles than just being your dsughter. Show some more understanding instead of criticism.

I’m sure OP would have plenty to say if her daughter was constantly on her phone around her children.

What makes you think she isn’t managing her time? Why do you think you should be at the top of her list?

If you want an immediate response/ answer - call someone.

In my mind, messages aren’t for an instant reply. I do often open messages straight away to check if they are urgent, but if they can wait, then they will wait till I’m more available to respond correctly.

She is managing her time.

How much grief do mums parents get for "always being on their phone" instead of looking after their children?

When you had two children, was texting the main method of communicating or was it a phone call?

When your children were young, society was very different with different expectations on mums parents and, in most cases, a village to help.

I honestly don't think the two are comparable in this example.

This can’t be real.

She is managing her time. But you are not her priority. Nor should you be.

A phone is for the owner’s convenience- to use and reply when works for them. Unless you’re trying to contact ambulance/ police/ fire brigade. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and having to send a message feels too much; or am in the middle of something and once am done I forget. I know if it’s urgent the person will manage to get hold of me one way or another.

so you text her when it’s convenient for you and you are annoyed when she replies when it’s convenient for her? Replying a handful of hours later isn’t rude, expecting someone to be instantly available when ever you get in touch is though. .
When someone is in the trenches with a couple young kids it’s helpful if you work to their routines/needs rather than expecting to call the shots. If you can do that maybe your relationship will improve.

YABVU. Did all elderly parents start demanding things like toddlers or is it just boomers?

It's perfectly possible DD is limiting her time on the phone, and prioritising taking care of baby and toddler, which sounds like she's a good mum.

On the other hand, you are coming to mumsnet and publicly slagging off your own daughter for looking after her children and not being addicted to screen time. Get some perspective and stop being so entitled. You sound like an absolute nightmare.

This has to be a troll surely, no one is this out of touch and self centred?

I don’t see you rushing to reply to the posts on here. . .

Well I'm pretty sure that's what's happening here mostly... the OP is expecting an INSTANT response. But as parents, we sometimes go hours without seeing our phone, particularly in the evenings when you have dinner, bath, bedtime, quick tidy up.... I've never sat down or picked up my phone before 9pm.

If it was later I sometimes purposely wouldn't respond to my parents because I know they are in bed and will wait until the following morning.

Ah, I can see exactly why she doesn't rush to reply to you frankly.

9pm is when she finally sits down and she chooses to make the effort to reply to you but you are taking that as her being rude!? I think you should be grateful she does and less needy.

I've seen this expectation with the older generation.

No. WhatsApp and text is meant to be like an email. Reply when you're able. A call means I need a reply now.

I had someone complain that I sent them a message at 9pm and they couldn't reply immediately.
...eerrm. I send and get messages across time zones. My phone goes on silent (9pm to 5am) to counter this. But emergency calls WILL come through for my 'favourite' contacts ... My parents, siblings and best friends....