AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

You are being very unreasonable. You have either forgotten what it’s like to have young children or never has the pressure on you that she’s got when you did (because you only had one perhaps; or didn’t work when they were young, or had the luxury of just not answering the phone when it rang and you were tied back then - or all 3 or a combination of other factors).

Try to give her support wherever you can. This era is only short but if you lack understanding or put more pressure on her when she’s at her most stretched she won’t forget it and it will have a longer impact on your relationship.

… is more straightforward way of putting it!

I’m afraid I agree.s

She IS managing her time. She replies to texts at an appropriate time for someone who needs to be focused on their children.

The way you talk about her is quite horrible. Is there a bigger issue? It reads like you don’t like her,

Absolutely this.
And to all the posters who are taking Granny’s side (“well I always respond to MY Mum straight away”) - well done you.
Not all of us have kind, empathetic, genuinely loving mothers who never place demands or conditions on their daughters.
Some of us have a Mum like the OP who always feels we owe them something because they gave birth to us.

If I was being kind I would suggest you were ‘a bit much’ and if I was being unkind, I’d say you sound quite demanding and self absorbed.
Even if your daughter didn’t have 2 VERY small children, I still wouldn’t see her behaviour as rude. Yours however…

I agree the OP is unreasonable but it’s nothing to do with age.
Some young people expect immediate responses, some older people expect immediate responses others don’t.
The dividing line is how addicted to your phone you are. Some people - of all ages - can put phones down and ignore them and other people have them permanently in their hands.

This thread is giving me flashbacks of when my MIL came to visit when I was only a few weeks postpartum with my first child (born by c section), and she complained that we were 'not very accomodating' because we hadn't planned lots of sight-seeing days out for her. But I digress......

Oh that comment that's she's quick enough when she wants something is really telling how entitled you are
Yuck
Don't blame her

You are assuming that she is unable to manage her time because she doesn't respond to your texts right away? If she is playing on the floor with the baby and she hears her phone ping, do you honestly expect her to stop what she is doing and respond to your text? What kind of parenting is that? If she is reading her toddler a story and her phone pings, again, you expect her to stop in the middle of the story and respond to you? I think that her approach is healthy and balanced. She would be sending her children a very horrible message if she jumped on her phone every time she received a notification. She is CHOOSING to not respond to you immediately - it's not that she's unable to. Also, when you had your babies, you did not have to deal with mobile phones and people expecting instant replies! Bravo to your daughter for not being tethered to her phone.

I’ve been on both sides of this - sometimes a text comes in and I read it at work and have no time to reply right then so I do it after dinner and when I am relaxing ( this would be around 9 for me also just btw) but my adult kids can wait days to even read the message and reply - funnily enough if I don't reply to them instantly they get annoyed!

OP you say that you think your daughter is deliberately replying to messages when she knows you are about to go to bed.
Have you considered that she thinks that you are deliberately sending messages when you know she is busy?

I bet your daughter is much more responsive than I am….i am terrible at replying the day/s just runs away with itself. Honestly the fact your first thought (in fact any thought process) is that you think she replies at 2100hrs because she knows you are off to bed…::is rather concerning.

This is such an unkind comment for a mother would say that about her own daughter. You’re effectively insinuating that you were better at motherhood than she is. I wouldn’t be prioritising your texts either if you were my mum.

For the record, it sounds like she is managing her time. It sounds like she (like many people) sets aside her free time in the evenings to reply to messages. Texts are by very definition non-urgent and can be read and replied to at the recipient’s convenience. That’s literally the whole reason they were invented.

Did text messaging even exist when your children were young? If not, then you actually have no idea what it’s like to be running around looking after your kids, doing the housework, getting to playgroups, doing the shopping etc., whilst having your day continually punctuated by people sending you messages and expecting you to be constantly and instantly available to those people, requiring that you instantly switch gears and start thinking of and typing an answer regardless of where you are or what you are doing. As if you don’t already have enough on your plate as a young mum with a baby and toddler! So actually, it’s not the same as you.

But even if she wasn’t managing to be as organised as you were when your kids were young, I’ll tell you what a supportive mother would do… a supportive and loving mother would think “ah, she must be struggling more than I did… I wonder if there’s anything I can do to help”. And demanding more of her time, demanding she take her attention away from her babies and put it onto you, and loading more pressure and guilt and things to do onto her plate, are NOT the way to go about it.

You come across as unsupportive. 'I managed my time when I had two kids.' If you were my mum I would take a lot longer to respond to your messages than 24 hours - especially if you use a similar tone to that when describing the situation on Mumsnet.

The fact that the OP has flounced from her thread after not getting the responses she wanted just confirms everything we assumed about her from her original post.
My mother does exactly the same when I won’t tolerate her narcissistic bullshit 😆

Yes this is reminding me of my mum! So childish

And she is managing hers.
Your messages are not a priority, her kids are.
Do you realise how utterly selfish and self-absorbed you sound?
Do better!

also “golden gran”, really?
heightened sense of self-importance much?

are you always this needy?