AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Maybe this attitude is part of the reason why she doesn't prioritise messaging you back!

We all have our own ways of managing our time. When I had a toddler and baby in the walking hours their needs where my priority. When they slept is when everything these got done including ringing my mum or texting people. That's how I managed my time when they where so little. Just because she manages her time differently to yours dosent mean it's wrong

Did you have a mobile phone with a toddler and a baby? I did and I put it away when I was with them and wouldn't have even noticed messages until I checked it. It's not the same as a landline - it's a massive source of distraction I didn't want around.

What an absurd comparison. Texting requires you to put down whatever you were holding, take your attention away from whatever you were doing, and try to work out why your mother is needing your instant attention this time and whether it's something that is legitimately urgent or she's just being needy.

A text isn't a summons. If it's urgent, call. If it's not urgent then it doesn't matter if you don't get an instant response.

You are overthinking this

Everyone has a different messaging style. If I can’t reply immediately I put a heart or other emoji on the WhatsApp message to acknowledge the message or say I’ll get back to you. Other people leave you on read until they have a moment. Others see the notification on their screen so it looks like they haven’t read the message when they have. My phone is always on silent and I check it when I can be bothered. I have no on screen notifications except WhatsApp. My husband gets visibly anxious if he hears my phone buzz and I don’t do anything about it.
I think I am the same approx age as the OP. We grew up in an era with only a landline (which you leapt up to answer when it rang) or letters brought by a postman.

OP, everyone is different. My son takes a day to respond like your daughter does. My daughter sends me 10 messages, 4 videos of her son, 3 photos and numerous instagram reels per day (only a slight exaggeration) Both methods of communication can be annoying.
Cut her some slack. But I suspect this is a reverse.

How quickly did you reply to Whatsapps when your children were little?

Oh yeah, you didn't because there wasn't IM 30 years ago...

Well said!

My Mum does this. It drives me up the wall!

Neither of my daughters (in their 30s) have children, and they can take days to reply to texts. To be honest, I can take days to reply to theirs unless it's obviously urgent. And that's fine. They have busy lives as do I, they know I'm here for them, and our relationship is strong enough that we don't need to reassure each other with instant replies. I treasure the long phone conversations that we have once a week or so, and don't feel the need to be in touch constantly.

Maybe your DD is moving into a phase of her life when your lives are more independent of each other. It can be difficult to get used to that, but it's also a rewarding phase: it's not that your daughter doesn't need or love you any more, but that she needs and loves you differently, as a very, very special adult friend.

Not rude at all. We don't need to be able to do everything all the time. It's good not to be glued to a phone. And a good example to her children. I take it you don't like her partner very much either. Maybe she knows.

God if my mum was like this I would honestly refuse to text her back. What a nightmare.

This is the crux of the matter. You seem to think that she is not replying to you because she is mismanaging her time or because she is being rude to you.
This clearly shows that you think you should be a priority. I’m afraid she is trying to show you (rather than tell you) that you are not. I think she IS managing her time - especially as you say that she often knowingly replies as you are going to bed. She doesn’t want to get drawn into conversation with you so she replies when that is less likely to happen.
You need to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get drawn in. But you seem to think that you are entitled to immediate responses from her and that suggests that you are not yet respecting the fact that she is a an adult, a busy mother of two and she has a life of her own. Someone is being rude in this scenario and it’s not your daughter.

@GoldenGran How often are you texting or sending a message to her on WhatsApp?

She might also struggle with her eldest wanting the phone if she so much as looks at it - so she keeps it away so as not to tempt them into wanting to sit and stare at it all the time. Easier not to let them see it than to keep saying 'no' all the time.

She's also 'managing her time', she's just managing it differently to you because she's a different person.

God OP, she has a toddler and a 6 month old. You say 'she knows my bedtime is 9'. Well thats nice. By comparison, she he has the crazy bedtime of a toddler and a 6 month old to deal with, which for her comes at the end of a long day of looking after little ones and probably a night before that of bad sleep.

Why does the world need to revolve around you at this moment in time when she has such a heavy load? Wait until she has a spare moment to reply and stop being entitled!

My mother used to follow up by ringing the landline,

Smartphones didn’t exist then.

I’d be grateful that she is not using her phone constantly in front often her children and able to be more responsive in her parenting. Fragmented attention can be infuriating when you have small children and are constantly trying to manage things, pack things, think ahead and plan. I as trying to write a work email at the end of the workday yesterday whilst breastfeeding one and trying to appease two others, it took all of my self control to cope with constantly having my thoughts interrupted.

Having to break away from your current thought pattern when busy and exhausted to engage with someone else who wants your attention instantly and can contact you any time is a challenge you won’t have experienced. The average person gets an obscene number of notifications per day.

I have 3, nearly 4, children and try to keep my phone away in waking hours/ reply to messages once they’re all in bed and I’ve also devoted time to my relationship.

I think your expectations are too high and saying that a message only takes a minute does not reflect the experience your daughter is having.

If I’ve got time to read a message I’ve got time to reply. It takes seconds. That’s the way I view it.

My mother also has forgotten what real life was like and insists her parenting days were all rosy. As the Queen said, “Recollections may vary”

She may purposely be holding off replying until you've gone to bed, I often do the same. The reason being is I simply don't have the headspace to get into conversations, even simple ones. I know I need to reply, but the thought of having back and forth messages is too much when there's other things going on, or I'm shattered and just want to zone out for a bit.

I also absolutely hate texting in general. Maybe she does too.

Edit as I've just seen your next "but I managed my time" comment. What a dick thing to say. My mother also makes disparaging comments like this about how when she was raising children they all managed with whatever thing she feels I've done wrong.

Bloody hell I wonder why she doesn’t rush to text you back 🙄

I have a 2 year old and 6 month old and can honestly say it often takes me hours to reply to a text. I assume anything sent by text is non urgent so doesn’t require an immediate response and often am just so busy I don’t see it until the kids are both asleep which is about 9pm.

“Managing my time” does not extend to non urgent texts at this stage of life😂

That is the main benefit of using text. She can pick it up when she has a free moment not under the pressure of a phone call which she might not be free to take.