AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Some people are like this. I’m the same as you, I receive a text and reply pretty much straight away as like you say it take a minute. My partner (and his full family for that matter) may take anywhere from a minute to 36 hours to reply. I actually wish I was more like them and didn’t have myself constantly available for everyone else.

Not rude. She’s busy.

One of my friends and also one of my sisters who both will send a follow-up text saying ‘are you ok?’ if I haven’t responded to their original text promptly. Now that is annoying.

It's not rude at all. She's a busy person and, frankly, none of us should expect instant replies to messages - from anyone! It's so ridiculous. I can easily wait up to a day to reply, especially if the message needs a bit of thought and consideration.

I think you are overthinking. I suspect her days are busy and the only time she gets a minute are when the kids are in bed so she takes that time to check messages, etc.

You are massively over reacting, she replies and has small children. I’m older almost 60 but still clearly remember the utter grind of having little kids.

It’s telling you think she replies at nine to be obstructive, rather than what seems like the more obvious reason — that the baby and three year old are in bed, she and her partner have eaten dinner, done a clear up and are at leisure for the first time in the day. Maybe this is the time she sets aside to reply to texts.

You would hate me and my family. If it’s urgent, ring. Texts are to be replied to at the recipient’s leisure.

Also, suppose she’s ready to go and meet someone. Baby suddenly needs a full nappy change, argh, she’s now going to be late, text from Mum lands. Should she be even later or leave the text?

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

Texting is for non urgent stuff. A day to get back is pretty good. It takes seconds to type - but if you've got kids and are running round and tired and worn out then there's no time for the mental energy required to think of a reply. Especially if it's something like How are you? on repeat. Or worse just a random message about your day.
You can't moan that she texts at an inconvenient time because you are doing the same to her.
Reframe your thinking and expectations. Don't guilt someone who obviously loves their mum and texts back as soon as she has chance and the bandwidth to do so.
Make your next text something on the lines of "Today I was thinking about when you were small and I just wanted to say I'm so proud of the woman you've become. You manage so much and work so hard. You're amazing. Let me know when I can babysit because you deserve a night or an afternoon out. Love you"
And enjoy a conversation that isn't instantaneous. You sound lonely so look for ways to fill your days.

My partner (and most of my friends) are like this. As per PP I wish I was like them - I am slowly getting there

They are busy, don’t hear the phone, read the message and then get distracted etc etc. BFF quite often doesn’t have her phone with her

I’ve got used to it - they reply sooner or later

Sounds like she is also managing her time. She is focusing on the task in hand - like driving, caring for her children, etc etc, without allowing herself to be distracted by her phone, and then replying in the evening when she is able to focus on your message. Good for her.

My sister can take months or not bother at all. She’s genuinely warm and lovely in person but dreadful at replying to texts from anyone! Even my parents and she sees them often so it’s not a low contact thing just the way she is

And she is managing hers

You sound like a pain tbh

Do you know how many messages she will be receiving compared to when you were parenting, what a ridiculous argument!

And she is not you so her time management abilities and priorities might be different.

Sounds like you want to take it personally and be annoyed at her regardless of what anyone says.

I would also suspect when your children were small you get you didn’t have an iPhone constantly pinging away

It’s very selfish of you to expect your daughter to drop everything just to respond to a text from you. What’s so urgent you need her response immediately. Call her if it’s urgent.

Did they have mobile phones when you had children? Would you have been glued to your phone waiting to respond to texts rather than being present with your children?

That was probably 20 years ago, when mobiles were just getting started.

I don’t reply to texts immediately, never have.

phone is silenced during work/in the day.

I reply when I have time - which is generally the evening.

this is a very standard way to do things.

Did your mother text you when your DCs were tiny? Obviously not, so no, you can’t compare.

When you had small children/ babies was there smartphones with instant messaging where people expect immediate replies?

My ds1 can take weeks…I have to teams him at work if I want a quick answer to anything 😀

Oh it’s another Granny post isn’t it? Sigh.

What is your relationship with her like?.

Did you have a mobile phone when you had very young children?