AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Mum with similar aged children here and I agree with lots of other posters - 9pm is about the time I sit down and do something that is actually just for me, including replying to messages from friends and family. Your daughter has young kids and a husband she likely rarely gets to spend quality time with. She has a lots to do/think about before thinking of people outside her immediate family. I say this very gently and kindly - you are not central to her life right now. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or need you as her mum, it’s just that you’re not someone she should have to prioritise or worry about right now. That can be a huge and difficult change for lots of people and can feel very personal. The best thing you can do is learn to temper your worries with kindness and empathy. Comparing your parenting time management to hers is pointless: aside from the totally different time we live in and pressures that come with that, she also isn’t you. On a deeply personal level, she could struggle or thrive in areas you never did. Your experience of parenting/life isn’t universal. Again, with kindness, try to think less about yourself and more about what your daughter is dealing with. Be kind and empathetic to her personal experience of mothering. And whilst lots of people are happy quickly replying as soon as messages pop up, plenty of us do not use WhatsApp or similar like a constant stream of conversation. I read messages when I can but wait to reply when I don’t have a child shouting/crying etc near me. Perhaps your daughter waits to connect with you when she can properly focus on a reply.

She probably spends the evening winding down and catching up with life. It's not her fault you go to bed early.

No it's not rude. She has a baby and a toddler, she probably doesn't get a minute to herself all day! She replies to you in the evening when she finally sits down to relax. Why should she fit in with your schedule because you choose to go to bed at 9?

YABVVU
Unless she is checking her phone all the time (and has notifications on), how would she know you've messaged.

As I tell my children when they complain I've not replied to a message, if its that important and you need a quick reply phone up.

You didn't have to text your mother back constantly tho' did you?

FFS just because you managed doesn't mean she does, we all walk a different route. You want her to respond on your time so you can go to bed at 9pm but 9pm is probably the first time she gets a minute to herself.

She might be driving when you text, she might be out with friends, her phone might be on silent. I don't even text my husband back until I'm ready. You've sent her a text not a summons!

How busy are you OP? Can you remember when having a baby or young child took up ALL of your time - and when you get 5 minutes of peace, the last thing you want is MORE communication. Secondly, I like people to understand that when at home, unlike my mother, I put my phone down, don't carry it around or into the garden, often leave it in the car, or even (dare I admit) read a message and think "I'll reply later" then get interrupted or forget. Don't be so needy or you could push your family away.

I don’t have my phone on me at work and obviously don’t text on the commute.
So for at least 10 hours of the day, I don’t even look at my phone.

I also don’t get home and immediately text back as I’m busy cooking, cleaning, catching up with DCs in person etc.
I’ll often just take a quick glance and leave it until later to reply.

I will then reply in order of importance.
If it’s just a general chat then I might not even look at it on the same day depending on how many people have messaged me.

If it’s important people know to ring me and vice versa.

Surely if this is an emergency OP would just ring her DD and so why the urgency of needing such a quick reply?

I’m not going to spend the day with my head in my phone just because other people have nothing better going on in their lives and need a quick response.

This.
often, the only time I have the headspace and opportunity to reply is at night. When my kids were really little, it was often the middle of the night when I was awake and everyone else was asleep.

I used to be the same with my mum's messages. I like to think she understood I was just busy with 2 little kids and pregnant with my 3rd and I just replied when I had the time.
Sometimes when everyone was in bed and I actually sat down in peace or got into bed in the evening.

I hate to think she could have had hurt feelings about it, she passed away almost one year ago. I now wish I made more time to text and call, But it was not done to hurt or ignore her, I was just busy running around most of the day, managing 2 little kids at home, a pregnancy, a dog and so on.
Sometimes life was busy and messages were left unread until I had the energy to think and reply, and not only hers!

I think you sound a bit bored and unfulfilled and want your daughter’s attention when she is busy. Maybe she needs some space or help. Maybe you need to take up a new hobby.

This comment explains it, a case of empathy fail. Stop judging her from the perspective of your experience which now is ancient history, the world was a different place 20 years ago and it doesn't matter as she isn't you. My mother would never have thought this way, as she respects me and my independent life.

I wonder if it is your self-centred approach that makes your dd not reply sooner and if you are a 'bit much' with her. Leave her be, don't meddle, don't pressurise her, basically you don't matter as much in your dd's family 'era' as you think you matter. If you are supportive and less demanding and manipulative, you might find she texts you first. Try it.

This! OP you sound so overbearing and judgemental.

I do not have my phone out around my children. If you need me urgently, call me. I might not pick up if I am dealing with the children.

It also takes me a long time to write replies messages as I want to be thoughtful and am very sleep deprived and can barely think straight. So no, it is not always “just one minute” to reply.

I would be SO disappointed if my mum behaved like this. Yuck.

Bully for you! Here's your medal: 🥇

It sounds like you've got some idea in your head of what is 'right' or 'correct' in terms of when people 'should' reply to texts, and you've decided this is the only right way of doing things, and are taking umbrage at what you perceive as a slight to you, on her part.

if so, you need to recognise that these are merely ideas of your own, they're not laws that everyone else is obliged to follow. Different people have different ideas about these things, and that's ok.

The truth is, with two small kids, 9pm is probably the one time in the day where she gets to sit down and properly focus on replying to all the various messages she's had that day. The fact you choose to go to bed then is likely not connected at all, so no need to see the timing as something pointed, or a way to avoid you.

Unless you are upset with her for other reasons, or your relationship in general isn't good, this is one where you need to think of others - in this case your DD - and their situations and needs, and not just see things from your own perspective. Apart from anything else, if you tell her you're annoyed about her not jumping as soon as you say jump, she could well decide that as her replying when it's feasible for her to do so isn't good enough for you, and you'll complain about it anyway, she might as well not bother at all.

I definitely remember that having a baby and a small child didn’t take up my whole time. I had time to read a newspaper every day, watch tv etc. Both children napped and during those times I did a bit of housework then put my feet up.

As someone in a similar position to your daughter, I'd suggest you stop pressuring her to do anything. It might seem like something that takes a few seconds to you, but it's another thing for her to think about/do when she's in the thick of it and likely pretty sleep deprived. What she absolutely doesn't need is someone (especially her own mother) making her feel guilty or obligated to do anything. When you message her, maybe start assuming she's getting back to you as soon as she's able to (this includes feeling mentally able to reply to messages, because sometimes they build up and it can feel overwhelming when you're so tired). She will appreciate this kind of understanding when life is very tough right now.

I am guilty of putting off replying to messages too. Here are my reasons, which might help you understand:

1. I don't want to use my phone loads in front of my kids and I'm really busy doing things with them, so I generally don't reply to messages much during the day. If I am replying, it's to messages that need a response now - e.g. a friend we're meeting up with, logistics etc.

1. I have a long list of things to get through during the day, a toddler to entertain and a baby to feed and care for. Life is busy, and some things can wait.

1. When I do get time to reply to messages, it is usually during the evening when the baby is asleep or nursing. Sometimes I simply don't have the headspace to respond in any meaningful way - I just want some time to myself to not think about anything at all.

I'm replying to this thread during a very rare child-free visit to the doctor. There is some waiting around for various things, and I've actually used the time to catch up on messages and life admin because I was starting to feel a bit snowed under myself!

Kindly, it's likely your daughter senses that you expect certain things from her. Your comment about how you 'managed your time' implies that you believe your way is the right way. If she's getting this impression from you, and feels a sense of guilt/obligation when you get in touch, no wonder she's taking time to reply.

This is an unkind thing to say. Having a six month old and nearly 3 year old is very hard work. She likely gets very little downtime. I'm sure you wouldn't want her to be glued to her phone checking for messages. If you are demanding about how quickly you receive replies, it will become another chore for your DD. Why do you need instant replies?

You arent entitled to have a reply to your message instantly. She replies when she has the capacity to do so, which isnt unreasonable at 9pm at the end of her day.
I dont personally even check my phone for hours. Some days I dont check it at all.

If its a ‘did you remember grandmas birthday’ text, then yes, she could reply instantly, because it takes 2 seconds! If it’s a ‘how are you, did you enjoy x? Then that isnt 2 minutes because it’s opening a conversation. Same as if you bumped into someone in the street! I have two v young children and find it rude when people think I should prioritise them and their need for conversation over my family!

This follow up is judgemental.
Perhaps she knows that if she sends a reply you will then send her a reply, then a quick 20 seconds becomes a pain, hence replying when she knows you’re going to bed. I’m in lots of WhatsApp groups and I mute them because I can’t be bothered with looking for my phone when it pings, answering, then someone 10 minutes later responding to my message and so on. Some people do not walk around with their phones permanently attached to them.

The expectation of immediate replies is exhausting for everyone. Phones have become so damaging that way - everyone expected to be available and on call 24/7 with thin skinned people taking offense at any delay. People need to spend less time on the phones monitoring each other.

I sometimes send one or two WhatsApp messages to DS's fiancee each week, usually if I have found something I am thinking of buying for my GC so just want to run it by her. Or sometimes to check some dates for meeting up for a family meal etc. She can often take up to 10 days to reply! I don't mind at all as she has a huge family, so it's not just me she has to reply to! We have a wonderful relationship and I love her to bits, so I definitely don't take it personally. Life's too short.

She's probably busy. Rather than replying at 9pm because she knows that's when you go to bed, she probably does it because that's the first time she gets a moment to herself to do it.
But you saying she is quick enough to ring when she wants something is mean. So is your implied criticism of her when you say you managed your time. That's unneccessary. With two small children I'm sure she's managing her time as best she can.
You need to accept that you're not her no. 1 priority - nor should you be. Perhaps be a bit more supportive.

Yes, a reply takes seconds. But when there’s many little things to do that “takes seconds” it all adds up.
I’m a teacher. My mum texts me every morning at 11am asking how my day is so far, commenting in the weather, and telling me what she’s up to that day. When I go on my lunch at midday and check my phone, I have mums text. But also maybe a few texts from friends trying to arrange things. An email saying my parcel is out for delivery and I need to divert it to a safe place. A message from my partner saying he’s going shopping on his lunch and do I need anything. Etc etc. I just want to eat my lunch and mark my books from that morning. And I’ve got colleagues in and out of my room wanting stuff. All of those messages may only “take seconds” to reply to, but it’s not just seconds you add it all together. Look at the bigger picture. Your daughter is busy. She’s replying when she’d can.

YABVVVU the whole point now text messages are that they are an unobtrusive method of communication that do not require immediate acknowledgement or response.

She has 2 young children, one who is a small baby. Her time priorities are on her chikdren.

You are a grown ass woman, stop being so needy

She is busy.
Retired, are you?
Leave her alone. She'll reply when she gets to it.
By the way, when you had small children, were there smartphones and pressure to reply to other people's mostly pointless messages immediately?