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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

338 replies

GoldenGran · Today 07:57

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

OP posts:
politicsdomyheadin · Today 08:12

You sound so very needy.

andthat · Today 08:12

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

Bet you didn’t have a mobile phone and a parent expecting you to message back the INSTANT you received a message.

Cut her some slack and instead of counting the minutes it takes her to reply, ask her if she needs any help!!

MayaPinion · Today 08:12

You don’t have to read the text at 9pm. You can leave it until the next day - or next few days. How often are you texting her?

SoScarletItWas · Today 08:13

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

If you’re old enough to have GC, I’m going to take a guess that your time as a parent to young kids was long enough ago that phones and constant texting wasn’t something you needed to factor in.

Anyway YABU. My DH keeps his phone in his laptop bag at work and will reply at lunchtime or before he leaves for the day. He’s not replying to messages the second they come in because he’s busy. Like your daughter is.

Maybe if you don’t have your phone glued to your hand you wouldn’t notice how quickly she replies.

OneTimeThingToday · Today 08:14

Its now being recognised that parents constantly on the phone is bad for children.

airportfloor · Today 08:15

9pm is when I pick up my phone and get back to non urgent messages too.

I get messages all day long on numerous platforms. I'd say I probably get 30 messages a day that require attention. If I replied instantly I am communicating to friend/ partner / kids / whoever i am with IRL that whoever is on my phone is more important. It interrupts conversations, eating, discipline etc.

Have you thought about why you might be seeing this in such a bad light? Are you envious or upset about other things?

BudgetBuster · Today 08:16

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

She is managing her time.
She is responding at a time that is most convenient for her and her family.

My mother is like you... will text me or call me and then complain that I'm actually doing something like cooking dinner, giving kids a bath, doing a load of laundry, putting kids to bed, at the grocery store etc.

It's not her fault you go to bed at the same time she is probably able to sit down for the first time that day.

LimbOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheHoleTheHoleInTheGround · Today 08:16

You expect her to follow your sleeping schedule but you can't give her leeway while looking after 2 small kids.

Manage your time better and stay up to a time when it's convenient for her.

Seeline · Today 08:16

What are you messaging about that's so important that it needs an instant response - every time??

Your DD is dealing with a 2 yo and a small baby. Of course the only time she has to respond to non-emergency messages is once the kids are in bed.

Why are you going to bed at 9pm? That seems ridiculously early. But surely you can respond to her messages then? Why is you going to bed more important than her looking after small children? You can text in bed, she can't text whilst stopping a 2yo launching itself down the stairs/into the road or when the baby needs feeding/changing or when she's driving or shopping etc with them both!!

ThroughTheRedDoor · Today 08:16

Don't put extra pressure on her or your relationship with her. Unless you want to fuck it up.

Not replying means she is busy. It also means she is secure enough knowing you'll always be there and isnt scared you're going to be a dick about how long it takes her to reply.

I get that ypu want more from her, but maybe right now, she doesnt have any more to give. Respect that. Get it right now and as the kids grow up and life eases you'll have laid the foundation for a great relationship with her.

DinosaurBlue · Today 08:17

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

And I doubt that was during a time where texts and WhatsApp were popular and therefore people like you expected immediate attention and responses.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · Today 08:18

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

But you didn't have a smart phone or a mother who sent you messages expecting instant replies.

Here's another interpretation: she finds you needy when she has other priorities so she replies when she knows you've gone to bed so she doesn't have to get into a lengthy exchange with you.

What are you messaging her about?

Planner2026 · Today 08:18

One of my daughters is the same. She called me 10:30pm last night.

She’s busy - let it go. Your long-term relationship is the most importing thing. Be there for her when she needs you and be easy about everything else.

TheLambtonWorm · Today 08:19

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

She's managing her time you're just annoyed that you're not her main priority. Narc much?

BMW6 · Today 08:19

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

But who says your way of managing your time is the right way - or even the only way?

Unless your text has some urgency (in which case you'd ring surely) why would she need to respond quicker than she does?

GolfingGoddess · Today 08:21

I try not to be on my phone around my (similar aged) kids so no one gets a text back during the time I’m with them unless it’s genuinely urgent, or about an imminent meet up with them, or something like that. With two very young kids it’s highly likely that she is much, much busier than you are - give her a break and take the conversation at a more gradual pace. She does message back, she isn’t ignoring you, she is just trying to fit everything in!

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · Today 08:25

Your expectations are wildly unrealistic.

Surely the whole point of a text message, instead of a phone call, is that it can be responded to at the recipient's convenience? What makes you think it's reasonable for anyone to demand immediate attention from anyone?

Mischance · Today 08:27

But I managed my time. !!!
Now there's an implied criticism of your DD! I find that quite unbelievable ...

Honestly have a little humanity. This is a busy person .... cut her some slack. Even when she does reply you are resentful if the timing.

Go with the flow load her up with love and praise and stop with the resentment!

DownyBirch · Today 08:30

GoldenGran · Today 08:04

I understand your points. I also had two children, her and her sister. But I managed my time

I suspect you didn't have people texting you and expecting immediate replies, though.

And please tell me you realise that no two children are alike? You can't assume your experience is universal to all parents.

tinyladybird · Today 08:33

If it's that important, ring her...you know, the same way she rings you "if she wants something."

Honestly, I'm not overly surprised she's dismissive with you. 9pm is likely the first chance she has had to sit down, hence replying then.

Grizelina · Today 08:34

As a mum who is retired with a DD early 30’s who has a baby and a toddler, you are being very unreasonable IMHO. My DD is very busy with baby and toddler groups plus running a home. Her DH does his share but often has to work away. I sometimes don’t receive a response to a text for a couple of days but I know if there’s something urgent she will ring me. Try to get yourself into a routine of not texting during times when she might be busy. Her 9 pm responses might be the first chance she has to respond. For anyone about to ask why don’t I help her as she is so busy, we live in a different country and go over several times a year to do just that!

MermaidofRye · Today 08:35

It is rude. No-one is that busy-it takes the about the same time to send a quick text as it does to fart.

The only way to cure her of it is to do the exact same with her....especially, especially, when she wants something.

See how she likes those onions!

Caniweartheseones · Today 08:36

You could just take your time to reply with help. And maybe ask her with curiosity why she’s dismissive. Maybe she is upset about something but is for some reason unwilling to discuss it?

andthat · Today 08:37

@GoldenGran where are you!

posters are messaging you!

why haven’t you replied?!!

what possibly could you be doing that is more important than immediately replying to the messages on this thread?!!!

Mischance · Today 08:42

This other implied criticism that she only rings when she wants something makes me shudder ....

I have GC and am delighted that my DDs turn to me when they need help of any kind.
But then I feel secure in their love, as they do in mine. I do not need them to be constantly texting me and feeding my emotional needs. I need them to be happy young adults enjoying their children.

I know they will be there for me in times of need. They were my rock during my OH's final illness; and my aim is to be there when they need me but let them.be free.

Maybe give some time and attention to your OH .... they are not with us forever.

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