AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

OP,
unless there is a backstory and/or your daughter is not tallying you something.

If your daughter is anything like me, I see a text notification cant reply at that moment and then i completely forget about it until kids bedtime is over when i have time look on my phone and there it is "oh shit, i forgot to reply to mum, sis etc

Yes i have a few close friends that make the effort.
Sometimes its just a quick, hi im busy right now so I'll get back to you tonight.
Simple.

I didnt cut anyone off they just didnt bother getting back to me for days sometimes weeks, so i slowly stopped and waited for a response.

I dont have kids.

I did this too. Also I turned off visibility as I was finding my mum was messaging me the minute she saw i was online. I feel bad as I know shes lonely but I find it really stressful having constant messages to respond to and the expectation of having to respond immediately just cos she knew I was online made it worse

I bet she is sat on her phone just cba to reply to her dm..

Time to just focus mainly on yourself , OP! Spoil yourself. Go out with friends, hobbies, gym, etc Invest in yourself @GoldenGran 😊

Same here! I used to have a friend (used to being the operative word) that would text me a load of waffle about her day and what was left off her Tesco food delivery and then I’d get one half an hour later saying “are you alive?!” It really annoys me.

Expecting immediate responses to texts is akin to jumping up and down in front of someone saying “give me your attention NOW”
Just because it may “only take a few minutes to reply” doesn’t mean it’s not irritating and draining.

But as mobile phones were unlikely to have been around then, it’s unlikely your mother was texting you all the time! And I bet if your phone rang and you were busy you ignored it!

I doubt your mum was texting you multiple times a day when you were bringing them up.

No, you're not being unreasonable to feel hurt that your daughter doesn't have time to reply to you.

You want to be important in her life and feel like you have a place and are valued. It must be difficult to go from being one of the most important people in the world to your daughter to her having many people that she loves and has to prioritise.

I dont think she is being rude. Life is exhausting with children that young and she likely has little time to herself. ( the only time I get to myself is a bath once I've put the little ones down to bed and following that a load of housework) she is probly stressed, the world is probly on top of her and shes is most likely struggling juggling her new life with so many priorities.

I carry a lot of guilt when I forget to reply to my mom or take a few days sometimes and honestly with my little ones my head isn't on straight most the time. She most likely loves you dearly and she is making time to reply to you. If she's like me she will care dearly but sometimes life gets on top of us all and with a baby that little there can be so much on the list of things you have to do that you're heads constantly spinning.

Not so much as not having time for you more a life so overwhelmed with things that need doing that important things are often put to the side for the immediate thing that needs doing in front of us.

What are you texting her that needs an urgent reply ?

This!! People today are constantly bombarded by being "Pinged" relentlessly throughout the day with one thing or another. People have to prioritise what they read and what they reply to, otherwise they'd get nothing else done.

It's easy for people who aren't working and don't have caring responsibilities to expect instant replies as they've forgotten what it was like to be pulled in several directions at once. Many "older" people wouldn't have been working when they had young kids and even those who did won't understand the increased demands of the modern workplace (again, multiple device pings throughout the day in lots of jobs these days).

It nearly drove my son to a breakdown when he first started Uni as he simply couldn't keep up with all the "pings" - He had, I think, something like 35 different Uni facebook groups, whatsapp groups, discourse groups, etc for each different module, the college, each club & society & sport, the student union, plus emails/texts from the personal tutor, welfare dept, plus two different departments (he did a "Joint" degree), it was relentless. Once when he came home for a few days, his phone literally pinged every couple of minutes! We had to work through some strategies for him to manage it all. And that was before he actually did the Uni work, attending lectures, etc.

In my work, I'll often get pinged by a client in the evening via email or webchat and by 9.30 the next morning, they're harrassing me because I havn't replied!

Are you one of those people who 'tsks' when they see a young mum on their phone when they're with their, children but also complains when they don't message back immediately?!

Obviously life requires time management and organisational skills. Your dc's uni chats sound far too excessive so good that you eventually gave him tips on how to handle being online.

Family is different. I ignore loads of messages until I cba, expect dm or dc. I get back to them becaue they are important where colleagues, clients and group chats aren't.

She has a toddler and a baby. She's busy.

Expecting her to respond immediately is fucking wild. Her life doesn't revolve around you.

Why are you upset she responds to you around 9. That's when her evening is winding down. If her end would only take seconds, then you should be ok even if it's close to your bedtime.

You come off as feeling entitled to her time and with 2 little kids, that is not going to happen.

Me too lol

You come across as a little mean tbh. She’s got two very young children and you’re accusing her of not managing her time effectively.
Try acting like a supportive mum rather than a demanding boss.

Times have changed a lot since you had your children and life is all together most stressful in today’s times. YABU expecting so much from your daughter and maybe you should pause for a second and just think about how she may be feeling in life. She could feel like she’s barely keeping her head above water and you’re just adding to her stress by being needy and thoughtless.

You sound needy. I bet she's exhausted, needy kids, needy job, needy husband, needy mum - everyone needs something from women and the mental and physical burden can take it's toll.

@DaisyChain505

is it? How? Things are a lot more convenient and easier now due to technology e.g online shopping Amazon etc

It takes me longer to do an online grocery shop rhan just walking around the store...

Also I rarely use Amazon. How would Amazon make my life much easier now?

How is that possible? Surely most of the day you’ll be at work, doing household tasks, on the school run, doing hobbies, generally out and about. When I’m at work, I don’t have my phone anywhere near me. I generally only look at my phone in the morning before work and in the evening.

She is managing her time by replying to you when it’s convenient for her

Wow.

Most families didn’t need both parents to be working to afford to live back then. Now both parents do need to work and that is barely keeping a roof over most people’s heads and food on the table.