AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

You also didn’t have technology at this time so can’t compare to be honest!

Parenting very young children is a hands on job, literally. You really think she should be on constant alert, ready to message you back immediately, rather than spending quality time with her kids? Too many people now can't put their phone down even when they are with their children.

As for daily messages, I'd have been driven crazy if my mother had expected such a thing. I probably message my grown up daughters most days but that's because we still live together and it's an easy way to communicate when we all work different hours.

Are you asking something that requires an immediate response? If not then I don’t see what the problem is. Also if you do need a quicker response then call her!

Most sane, reasonable people send messages/personal emails at a time that works for them, safe in the knowledge that the recipient can read and respond and whatever time works for them.

But you didn’t have texts coming through no doubt … assume you spoke on the phone to people, in the evening … when your kids were in bed!

Sounds like OP needs to manage her time better!!!

I’d say she is also managing her time. Just perhaps not in the way you would like her to.

A lot of parents don't like to be on their phones around their kids, unless it's necessary. Maybe she's messaging at 9pm because her day is finally done. Or maybe she doesn't want to spend all of her limited evening in a text conversation.

I was really busy with 4 children but always responded to my mum as soon as I could and she does the same, if it’s a day later or we forget it’s no big deal but it takes seconds to reply and my mum is one of the most important people in my life so will always respond and it doesn’t feel like a big hassle

OP where are you??? Or are you planning on responding to the comments at 9pm tonight? We’ll all be in bed by then!

Absolutely being unreasonable!! I am Mum to 3 children 5, 3 and 1.. it is the trenches but I wouldn’t change it for the world! i spend all my time chasing them around, making sure they are happy, fed, clean and they in turn make sure I never stop. If I get a message from anybody I try my hardest to reply at MY earliest convenience… and that is often once the kids are in bed, I have eaten, showered and finally sat down for my tiny iota of ‘me time’. This point in time is when I try to respond to people… and can often be 9pm ish.

She. Is. Busy.
Every moment of the day. Get off her back.

Do you read all your messages instantly?

Just because it is possible to be contacted 24 hours a day, it doesn’t mean we should be. She’ll be prioritising her children through the day and catch up on emails and texts in the evening. Even if you had a mobile when your children were little, it wouldn’t have been a smart phone. You’re being so ridiculous and needy.

Aw I can imagine that it feels shit for you I doubt she is doing it on purpose and you are right to feel a bit upset if it upsets you but honestly these days it’s different, there is just so much to do and with the kids it’s effort replying to someone sometimes.

my mum or friend will text me and I’ll be reading something n my phone so I don’t reply straight away and then forget

but I deffo leave my mum on read for like 2 days or reply to her when I’m settled in bed which is around 8:30pm, same with my friends tbh 🤣🤣

Did you have them since mobile phones were invented and this new idea of being 100% available to everyone 100% of the time came in??

When your kids were young, someone you know couldn’t just randomly appear in front of you to ask you a question when you were in the middle of something and expect an immediate reply. But they can now due to mobile phones.

I hate how we are expected to just drop everything and reply to everything straight away.

I treat text messages the same way I do emails. I’ll read it at my leisure and reply when I’m good and ready.

I can literally take a week to reply to people, not out of rudeness but just the chaos of kids, dogs, a very hectic full time job and everything in between. If it’s important then people know to call me. Being offended is crazy, and keeping everyone happy is unfortunately not possible so either give her a call or just wait for a reply

I honestly don’t think some people understand how overwhelming it can feel when someone feels entitled to your attention 24/7. Smartphones have really encouraged this behaviour but it’s not healthy. Your daughter has her own life to juggle and she doesn’t want to interact with you at that point, if it’s urgent give her a call like she does but don’t expect a full on conversation.

Not rude at all. She’s an adult. That’s the way things are as your children get older. They have their own lives but you’re still there if they need you.

Jesus Christ 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

What kind of messages are you expecting prompt responses to?

I have a single 2yo and you're lucky to get a text back within 2-5 business days.

If my mum had a strop about it, I'd remind her firstly she didn’t bloody have a mobile phone when I was little, in fact she didn't get one until I was a teenager. Also she was a SAHM like many were and I work full time! She also had grandparents watching us 1 day a week each set to give her a break and my little one is in full time nursery and I get absolutely zero break!

Grow up FFS.

But was life the same then? You probably didn't even have a mobile phone either. Life is so different now. Everyone expects us to be there instantly at the end of the mobile and it's not always do able.

Your daughter is really busy with two small children. When you don’t have that any more it’s really easy to forget how all encompassing it is.
The thing to remember is that it’s not just you texting her it’s probably lots of people and she replies when she can.
when you have a lot more time on your hands things can seem more important than they might if you were still having a really busy life.
The important thing to remember is that it’s not about her feelings for you it’s about how busy this period of her life is. Remember that and be extra kind to yourself and her.

Youre not retired are you? I ask because sometimes my parents don’t remember how it is to juggle life, kids, work with messaging people back and all that comes with it