AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

No. Not at all. However you are demanding and inconsiderate.

If you need a reply I think you're going to have to phone her..She might get the idea in the end or else you'll need to come to an arrangement where you each understand when she's going to put time into replying..Lots of people seem like this and she is juggling everything with her 3 kids

And she's literally managing hers. I'm sure your mother was the top of your priority list and text her back immediately.

If you send a text then you are putting yourself in the position of relying on the recipient to respond. You have no control over when they decide to do this, no matter what you think of the delay. If you want an immediate reply, phone her instead of texting.

I’m guessing you didn’t have people texting you messages though?

If it were me, I’d be pleased she was clearly more busy with the children than checking her phone whilst she’s with them.

You sound quite negative towards her too - I’m sure she manages her time, but she’s clearly very busy and could probably use support rather than criticism.

No further responses from the OP for TWELVE HOURS now.

Well, I do declare! 😂

Were you texting back immediately when you had babies? 😂

And did you have an iPhone and everyone having instant access to you when you raised your kids? Were you whatsapp’ing your mum during the day? Or did you speak on the phone?

the issue isn’t just a quick text, it’s refocusing to think what you need to say/sort if you’re solo parenting little kids who have your undivided attention.

You sound very needy and completely unrealistic. She isn’t plotting to message when you’re asleep, that’s literally when she stops.

OP, I completely agree with you.
Im astounded by the majority being so self centred and having such little respect for their parents and appreciation of families.

I must be in the minority here but u don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Busy or not, how long does it take to reply to a text, she could even voice note! I work and have a pre-school child and a teenager and I always have time for my parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought you may have a point too initially, then I read this and now I think YABVU

I don’t have my phone on me when I’m at home with my toddler. I leave it on charge in the bedroom. If I do have it on me he will try and grab at it. I usually put him to bed around 8/ 8.30 and then tidy up and shower … then I reply to all my messages!

Did you have an iPhone back then? I also leave anything non-urgent until my small children are in bed. They deserve my full attention. We talk to family members on FaceTime together during their waking hours. Smartphones aren’t just there for texts and communicating with family, it’s also how we receive most of our bills, reminders, offers etc. that used to come to you through the post. If I stopped to deal with it every time I received a notification, I’d never get anything done.

No but probably glance at my phone every couple of hours and reply to my mum if she messaged me, she doesn’t pester me, maybe asks if I want to come for dinner and I reply yes or no, asks about the kids and I write a sentence to reply, I’ve not replied for a day or two at times as I forget but generally I don’t find it hard to reply to texts from my mum, other people maybe as it’s more though but not with my mum, partner or kids

Was going to say this.

see so many thread where people moan that parents on their phones and not parenting….

she probably has a few messages OP - not just yours to reply to so although yours may seem easy and quick, having a few may be too much.

I know what’s it like - you look, read, then something distracts you. I expect 9pm is the only chance she’s got to sit down and think!! Be grateful it’s only a day. I have family members who take 3-5 days. Totally respect that!! If urgent we call.

edited for typo

😂😂 this is a joke right?

Not great time management is it?!

so self-centred and entitled (and any other MN faves!)

A reply doesn't take a few seconds for everyone. It can take a lot of mental energy for some people. It's also very easy to forget if you read the text just before baby starts crying or you're about to head out. I think it's pretty shitty for you to write a post like this about your daughter and be consumed with your own feelings rather than thinking she must be really busy with her 2 young DC.

This. It’s very obvious surely?! She is allowed to prioritise such young children and her days are most likely more hectic than you remember when you had young children. You sound rude and arrogant, the comment about “managing her time” was especially obnoxious. Its not all about you 🙄

This has to be a wind up! She is managing her time by replying when her kids are in bed.

Also, texting back may physically only take a second but it breaks her attention and interaction with her children. When with a 3 yo and baby do you ever have time to completely stop paying attention to look at a device? I have a baby and do all my texting at nap times and bed time.

I think you've clearly forgotten how hard it is having two small children op.
Cut your daughter some slack, maybe make sure she is ok. She probably doesn't have time to eat properly or pee in peace far less texting people back!

"But I managed my time"
You're lucky you get a reply the next day if that's the kind of attitude you have about your own daughter.
I'm guessing this was the days before smart phones. When we didn't have phones buzzing with notifications all day long and lived in a society that didn't expect people to be available on the phone 24/7.

I'm busy with 2 kids until 9pm. I bet you weren't in bed at 9pm when you have kids?

I've had 36 messages to reply to today, imagine if I stopped looking after the kids to do that throughout the day. She's getting back to you when she can.

It often takes me days to reply to text messages.
I don’t look at my phone 6-8.30pm because that’s bathtime and bedtime and I don’t think I should be distracted from being with my children. Once they’re in bed that’s when I sit down on the sofa and catch up with my phone. So yes, I probably would be replying at 9ish.