AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

I do partly agree with this. I don't personally think gay men should be allowed to adopt very young children, not single men either due to risk of abuse.

I suppose it's hard to know whether the person was reacting specifically about gay men/this particular case or also holds similar views about lesbian couples..

I agree partly with your earlier post : it' possible the person just disagrees with gay men adopting due to higher risk of abuse from men.

Otoh if their comments indicate they view lesbians adopting as bad and wrong, I could understand OP not wanting to go.
Would you want your child to go to a playdate with people who thought your family setup was bad and wrong : say if you were in an interracial or interfaith marriage? Unless there was no other playdate option.

But the problem with the OP's post is that it's not clear if the woman does think this or not.

What do you mean? Are you suggesting that 2 women raising a child together means they're not prioritising their children?

Or do you mean that children's playdates shouldn't be affected by issues with the parents' opinions?

Op is a lesbian woman, so that isn't applicable to her situation.

Unless you disagree with lesbians raising kids too?

Or do you mean that the person probably disagrees with gay men adopting but not lesbians so the OP shouldn't worry? I personally think this is possible: but the OP is a bit unclear.

You are worried she will judge you for your beliefs, but you are judging her for hers.

I would definitely go! And you never know if you get along, her views may shift. If she is openly horrible to you, then you know where you stand.

Nope. I read everything carefully. If I had, in error, clicked on ‘like’, it’s a simple matter of unliking the post. Every like perpetuates the message and gives these awful people validation.

I wouldn’t let people who hate my existence, into my and my child’s home.

She's not worried about her beliefs as such being judged, more her family setup.

We all make judgements. The question is if they are fair or not.

Otoh it sounds like the woman may just disapprove of gay men parenting, not lesbians.

Why do people react to terrible events like this on public Facebook anyway? If they react so strongly amd uncontrollably, maybe they should not post on Facebook until they're in a calmer frame of mind?

Who is to say whether it's fair or not? Everyone is entitled to their opinions.

Like I said, if the women openly judges her, or is horrible/rude whatever then at least she knows where she stands.

I have no issue chatting with someone who holds very different views to me. Sometimes they learn something, sometimes I do. Sometimes you can still hold these completely different views but still get along.

I see what you mean, but there's a difference between being GC, disagreeing with surrogacy and recognising misogyny in the gay male community, amd thinking it's wrong and deviant for gay men/gay people (unclear which from OP's post) to have children.

'actually discover that it is very rare to find people whose total opinions and stance aligns completely with yours.'

• if the person doesn't agree with lesbians parenting, then that's a bit different from simply having a different opinion about a random issue, which should be expected.

May I ask : when your children were young, would you have felt at all uncomfortable about socialising with parents who thought lesbians raising children was deviant? (Though I appreciate it's unclear if the person in OP actually believes this).

Sometimes you can still hold these completely different views but still get along.

• I agree but I think it depends what the issue is. For instance, if someone thinks zoos are totally immoral, which I don't, that wouldn't be an issue for me at all.

Otoh, if, hypothetically, I was in an interracial relationship, and someone thought those were deviant and immoral, that would be different, as it would feel much more personal to me. I suspect OP feels similarly.

No. I’m not even gay and I don’t think I’d let my kids go. Political differences I’m not super bothered about (taxes, education, immigration, unionist vs pro Indy.. ect) but if they’re a racist (an actual racist, not just someone with concerns about immigration/integration) or a homophobe I don’t want them near my kids. That goes for my own family too, my children don’t see certain people who I’m related to because they can’t go 20 mins without spouting some stupid racist bollocks to my kids, who are frankly not fucking interested.

I'm in an interracial relationship and we get some looks sometimes but rather than just glaring back, we might smile or something. I find acting aggressively back just creates more divide.

My family are quite racist and weren't keen on my OH at first (not because he's a twat, because of his skin colour) he just kept being his charming self and now they all love him and are generally more accepting in general.

As long as the woman is nice to OP, what does it matter? It's the child's friend, she doesn't have to be besties with her. If my child had a friend whose parents thought our interracial relationship was immoral, I certainly wouldn't stop my child from seeing theirs and I would happily chat to the parent, as long as they were respectful to me. Maybe they would end up thinking 'hmm, actually maybe I was wrong' I don't believe in fighting fire with fire in these cases. Rise above, show them who you are and you never know, they might just change their views. If you don't talk to them because of their views, nothing will change and divide will just get wider.

Just my opinion 😀

Thank you for this : you sound like a very patient person (and your OH) : and overall I do agree that's a good approach re divides, although I don't think I'd be able to be like that myself.
I agree that it's unfair for child's friendships to be restricted based on what parents think. Maybe a compromise would be for OP to drop child off but not stay for a long chat or anything. Some mothers of course might not have time to do that anyway, she could use work etc as an excuse. This would of course become easier when children are older and can organise more for themselves.

He just doesn't care what people think about him which I love!

Well exactly that - about the friendship restrictions based on the parents views. This is the thing. She only knows this woman thinks this because she saw it online. Honestly, you just don't know what most people really think (unless they do this!) if she didn't know, the woman might be super pleasant and OP would never know she had these views and all would be well. If the children are friends, that's all that matters (UNLESS the parents are openly rude/offensive/hostile etc etc)