AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

Lol I’m definitely gonna steal that penis metaphor!

You think I think I’ve counter argued? What does that even mean? So you think I should surround myself with people who are the opposite of me? Who think very differently and that I have zero in common with? That I should deliberately make my life miserable and stressful by replacing all the friends I have that I have fun with, who like doing similar activities to me, who I laugh with, who I share values with, with people who don’t agree with my life, judge my parenting, don’t like any of the same things as me and I have nothing in common with?? What an utterly bizarre point of view. Honestly your “argument” makes zero sense. Obviously people choose friends who share their values and think similarly to them! It tends to make for a much more enjoyable life. That’s not to say I can’t get along with anyone who has different political viewpoints. I do have some friends with different politics to me but I’m never going to be friends with a homophobe because it’s deeply offensive to my family and my entire identity. If you don’t get that then you have never been discriminated for anything in your entire life. If you had you’d understand and you wouldn’t be here with this very weak argument. It’s an extremely privileged position to be in, most people would just be grateful for it and graciously keep quiet because they know they can’t possibly understand what discrimination for just being you feels like. I guess not everyone got that memo though 😬

You’re throwing slurs out again. You have painted people very firmly into groups. Homophobes and acceptable people. I’m pretty sure in the Venn diagram there is definite overlap of people you’d stick in homophobe and people who just think differently to you without any prejudice at all.

What was the slur in that?

The word homophobe. You are one of the posters using that word to describe people when you have absolutely no idea if they are prejudice or not. I’ve even being accused of homophobia on this thread, which is why I know your radar is faulty as I am certainly not homophobic even if it suits you to believe that. By throwing slurs around you just alienate people further and make your circle smaller.

If my circle becomes smaller by excluding homophobes I’m fine with that!

What if they’re not homophobes? What if youve decided they are based on limited knowledge and internalised prejudice, and you are completely wrong?

This reminds me of the The Dartmouth Scar Experiment. It’s a really interesting psychological experiment where the participants believed they still had a scar on their face and perceived bias in an interview because of it. I’ll link to it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202410/invisible-scars

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast maybe if you explained what exactly your point is, it’d be easier to understand. Is it that people should be open to having discussions with people who have different beliefs to them? I agree with that..but not to the extent of letting someone into your life that threatens your way of life or your child’s understanding of and security in their family. Is it that you shouldn’t assume that this woman is a homophobe cos she liked (multiple) posts about gay parents being damaging to their kids, kids should grow up in a heteronormative family, gay people shouldn’t adopt, the reason that child was abused was because his parents were a gay couple? Because I see that as the very definition of homophobia. It wasn’t just one like, it was multiple. That’s clear evidence that this person has homophobic views. Do you suggest the OP should go and get confirmation just to make sure? By doing what? Going to her house and starting a big (very awkward) discussion about it at her child’s play date? By sending her a text asking if she’s a homophobe? Neither of those things would be appropriate and neither of those things is the responsibility of the OP to do. People who are an minority’s first priority is to keep themselves and their families safe. You’d understand that if you’d ever suffered discrimination.

I haven't called you, the woman involved in this or anyone homophobic.

I would also argue homophobic isnt a slur anyway but I've been pretty careful because my focus wasn't on political beliefs but specifically on this play date.

I am a bisexual woman and I would not interact with anyone who supports negative statements being made about gay parents.

I accept that people can have different views/opinions from mine but I draw the line at any sign of homophobia, racism, xenophobia, bigotry and misogyny. Those are non negotiable.

Would you like me to show you the posts I'm referring to?

You seem completely convinced that I must be misinterpreting them, or that I'm reaching despite me being clear about the content from the start

You seem so convinced that we should be open to your point of view, but completely minimise any other. I have literal evidence if it helps

Homophobe is not a slur. It’s just a factual statement

Go along an educate them. Theres nothing that can replace seeing what great parents you are. Your just two women or men doing there best to bring up children. Don’t let their ignorance.have any effect on yours or your children’s lives. When they see how great you are what can they say.

Would you be happy to be called a racist, if you weren’t one?

To be fair I accept what you are saying. She sounds like a silly cow and she’ll be no loss to your life.

Most of what I wrote was pushing back against locus of control and self limiting beliefs. I haven’t got the time to explain it fully, but that link explains it well. If you walk through life convinced that everyone is prejudice it’s really easy to see everyone as prejudice. Obviously if you have clear evidence they’re a twat then it makes it easier. I felt like you didn’t have that much evidence, you felt you did and that’s fine.

I am in a similar set up to you and would be wary of this person's attitudes towards my family and the impact it might have on my child. That's not to say you shouldn't go, but be vigilant about how they respond towards you once they know your set up.

I can disagree that I am a racist or be unhappy to be called a racist if that’s not correct but the word itself is not a slur

so trying to shut down people calling you a homophobe by arguing “it is a slur” is a bit silly

Tell me a word that you think is a slur?

And people are entitled to not wanna spend time with you because you're ignorant. of your beliefs...

I would be attending. You can't stunt your child's social life due to their friend's parent not being politically correct.

The opinionated parent will benefit from getting to know you. They are possibly ignorant. Be confident and honest. The main thing is that you are fair and kind.

I think you are wasting your time with this one.
they will respond all "holier than thou" whatever you say.

I replied and I wasn’t ‘holier than though’ at all. How rude.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but FWIW, OP, I had my DD in a same-sex relationship and when she was in nursery my ex and I would probably also have wondered about this one and maybe would have thought we ought to be accepting.

I am a lot less inclined to do that these days. It's amazing how much of an impact small comments can have on a child and it's amazing how many people who seem perfectly nice manage to say absolutely fucking twatty things. There's a woman I know who is big on the 'I don't have an issue with gay parents but ...' line and unfortuantely, I know DD has heard too many people say or hint that one of her mums isn't a 'real' mum and/or doesn't love her the same way a biological mum would. When my ex and I split, you would not believe how many people thought it was ok to say things like 'ooh, will you still see [mummy's name]?' or to say to me, over her head 'are you going to be allowed to keep seeing her?'

It's much more damaging than you might think. People don't have to be froth-at-the-mouth homophobe types to be damaging and hurtful.

Huh? Showing support for homophobic views does not mean someone isn't being "politically correct". It's someone being homophobic and bigoted.