AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

If she’s just ‘liked’ it, I wouldn’t be too concerned. I press liked on all sorts of stuff I don’t mean to by accident.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable not to go but under the circumstances, I definitely would. As you said, their views will filter down to the kids and, not to excuse their ignorance at all, but maybe they’ve never met any same sex couples? Kill them with kindness and they might twig that actually, you are normal people and perfectly valid parents, they might even end up sticking up for you if others are showing prejudice.

I had no idea of the family arrangements if the kids who went to to nursery with mine.

it was hard enough remembering which kid went with which parent.

I doubt they know you have a wife tbh, unless you are both super present at pick up etc rather than it typically being one of you?

It wasn’t kind, OTOH it is not uncommon for people to be against surrogacy, when two fathers are parents they need a host/womb so it might be that.
Just keep the conversation basic. Most parents keep their personal views out of the play date conversation.

Its not that. Its specifically about adoption, but mostly massive sweeping statements about gay parenting being unatural/ should be banned

Definitely not accidental. Basically it's about the horrific case of child abuse recently. Lots of hang them type comments which i might not agree with but doesn't bother me. Shes responded that way on two different posts which is whatever, but its the stuff she's liked that's the issue

Some of it is pretty extreme stuff about all gay men being deviants, children needing hetro family set ups, stuff with homophobic language.

Its definitely not accidental.

Yeah, i think it's possible that she doesn't. Which means the idea of making small talk feels abit tricky, knowing that she might not have agreed if she knew that

Think youre really justified either way. You can go, and likely educate them - and their kids - that youre just a normal family doing your thing. Unlikely that these keyboard warriors are close to any same sex parents, hence the "othering". They'll not be brave enough to express their views to your face so wont be awkward.

Alternatively, fuck em. Youre well within your rights not to go, and its just a nursery friendship, not something where you really need to support your kid.

So DW is proposing that you hide the fact that you are a gay couple in order to enable your DC's social life?

Really, I wouldn't do that. Your DC is going to have a lot of potential friends growing up, and while she is very young you will be forced to hang out with those parents. You might as well ensure that the parents you hang out with have compatible views from the off- if you're lucky, they might be potential friends.

I would be your absolute normal selves, and if they don't like it then the trash will take itself out.

Personally if it was out of the house ie at a park or similar I'd say both go. I deffo wouldn't have them in my home.

No I wouldn’t want my child in the care of a raging homophobe.

Oh, that’s very different. I wouldn’t spend time with this person, I have had experience with one parent who had unsavoury views. We don’t see her anymore as she’s a big mouth to match her twisted mind.

There's a tricky line between not wanting to be those woke lesbians! I still worry that acceptance of families like ours feels fragile, so I don't want to be the person creating waves.

Equally it's on our local community pages so is pretty in your face. I didn't specifically hunt her out in a private group etc

I wouldn’t go. And I’d tell them why.

Oh, apologies- I misread your initial quote as your DW wanting to keep out of the way so the other family didn't realise you're gay 😳

They’re setting their child up to fail in school if they share these views.
My DS friend has two Mammy’s, it’s never been an issue between the children, they will ask as they’re interested in the set up, then get on with playing.

On your local community page? Jeez. I think I'd move.

I would do exactly what makes you feel most comfortable in the long term. You don't have to apologise for being a same sex couple and you don't have to stand up for all same sex couples everywhere either. Nor do you have to spend any time with a vile homophobe. Your kid's needs and yours are intertwined at this point and they don't need to apologise for having same sex parents either. If you don't want to hang out with this woman, don't, starting right now, and you don't have to explain (though you could). It's not just that you disagree it's that she is being vile about people like you. Why should you bother to twist yourself around trying not to cause awkwardness when she's the one causing it.

It's understandable that you'd rather swerve the interaction, but you're early into the parenthood journey and are you going to use avoidance every time you face an uncomfortable encounter in the decades to come? You'd be restricting yourself a lot.

Maybe use this as an opportunity to test the waters and see how it pans out. She may not know your family set-up, but even if she does, she won't necessarily be vocal about it. Some people have a blind spot about whether the views they express about the world in general apply to people they actually know - I had a colleague who would often talk about too much immigration, completely overlooking the fact that she was married to an immigrant. I think they see the problem with 'them' but anyone they know personally doesn't count as 'them'.

No, I wouldn’t go on this play date. You’d try to avoid the topic relationship (which is harder to avoid than politics) and you still might slip and mention your wife at some point and it might become awkward. Apart from the fact that you’d understandably not want to hang out or make friendships with homophones (if the extend of their social media engagement suggests that they are) - I’m straight and I wouldn’t.

Move? Where to, there's bigots everywhere

I have had similar issues in the past - not for the same reason, but because I’m both Jewish and an immigrant and I come across various views on either or both things regularly.

I would never ever lie about it, that won’t end well and no one will feel great about it.

In this scenario? I would probably cancel - the kids are tiny, they won’t know the difference and you wouldn’t want to have these people round in any scenario. There’s a lot to be said for just living your life and being a representative of just how boring and normal most people are (I am regularly the only Jewish person someone has met - I live in Scotland so not a lot of us!) but this goes beyond innocent confusion to something ickier.

I have had to shut down a neighbour a couple times - literally no idea why he thought I’d be a reform voter but as a Jewish immigrant with a gay mother I’m assuredly not! Kept it casual though as they live next door and I don’t need drama, but I won’t have them in our house either.

OP I would be inclined to message her and say that you have seen her views on sm and just to let her know, in case she didnt, that you are in a same sex relationship. That way you are outing her opinions in advance and also allowing the opportunity to cancel the play date if thats how she really feels.
I wouldnt hide it and if that is how she feels, thats no friendship your DC needs.

Your child's life is not going to be greatly impacted by you organising a play date or not.

They have six to eight hours per nursery day to hang out and in case they are tiny children and not really capable of having deep and meaningful friendships yet....they are in the ?mostly playing alongside phase still!

Having a play date aged 3 is going to have no bearing on whether they are best friends at 16.

So if you don't want to go (and I wouldn't), don't go. You really don't need to have pre-school play dates at all with anyone - your child is not going to know the difference aged 12.

In your shoes, I’d cancel, OP. You’d be turning your home into a space that’s not safe for you or your family. I don’t mean physically unsafe, but why invite in someone who essentially hates you in essence? It’s not up to you to educate bigots.