AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

I think this is the right decision.

If your DC was older and forming independent friendships it would be harder to swerve but as a 3 year old nursery child just be busy and move on.

I would hope this family don't choose the same primary school in the future.

I never used the term hateful (I don't think!)

That's also not what the posts I'm talking about said anyway

People have posted that they don't agree with same sex parents on this thread and I've not responded anything like that. I can see that you called it abusive to place children with gay parents on the other thread. I'm not arguing or name calling, or up for debating it or trying to shut it down. I'm not trying to censorship people or something

I'm asking about this specific situation of meeting up with someone in a play cafe,
not some wide debate about ethics.

I think that’s the right decision. It can be really difficult when you are part of a specific group that invites a lot of opinions. It makes you feel like you have to be “on” all the time and it can be exhausting. It’s okay to simply be a person - you don’t have to be a representative, and it’s not your responsibility to educate or inform anybody. People who don’t have to live under that sort of scrutiny will never understand it, to them it’s just a talking point or an interesting debate. They can spout away and not have to consider the consequences.

"People who don’t have to live under that sort of scrutiny will never understand it, to them it’s just a talking point or an interesting debate. They can spout away and not have to consider the consequences."

This is so true. My son is in Reception, and I can't begin to tell you the dread I feel when we attend things with other parents, and may end up talking about family dynamics. Or if my wife and I attend something together I waste far too much headspace on worrying about what others will think when they realise our son has two Mams. I absolutely HATE that my brain behaves in that way, but comments on this thread just confirm my worries. It's tiring.

Completely agree. Sometimes I have more head space for it but it's running low

I'm making an active attempt to try and hide stuff on my algorithm currently, because it's really pushing some big right wing takes on it.

I suspect it will be something that haunts same sex adopters for a while.

Sometimes you feel like a normal family, but then something happens and you realise how many people around you would vote against your families right to exist. Things just feel very superficial at the moment and like somehow just existing makes you open for debate and that we've become a political statement rather than a regular old family

No one owes you to engage with you or educate you. You are not a child in school or university student; as grown ass person you should pursue your education with your own energy and resources. No one is obligated to use their life to educate you or change your mind UNLESS they want to.

@Jesstica I'm so sorry you are having do deal with this situation. 2 mums, 2 dads, 1 mum, 1 dad, 1 mum and 1 dad, grandparents, aunts or uncles. Kids get brought up in all sorts of family set ups and dynamics. It is most important that those in a caregiving role to them are loving and nurturing. Whatever gender, relationship or relation they are biologically or by choice. I hope that the bigotry and discrimination stops soon and you can relax around concentrating on parenting, not watching your back. Adoption is not easy, you are amazing for taking on a child and raising them in a loving family.

Absolutely understand the point about sometimes not having enough headspace for it all!
Unless they're living it, people who aren't part of the LGBTQ+ community will never understand. I find that even during something so normal as a day out, I can be on edge, clocking people's "dirty looks". I'm working on not giving a shit about any of that, but it's much easier said than done!

One thing to note is that the overwhelming majority of posters here find the homophobes abhorrent. There are many more allies than there are hateful bigots. :)

Thank you, that's helpful

I'm also fairly new at this. Shes not been with us for too long and suddenly I'm thrown into a world of playground politics etc that frankly I feel should have been a training session 😀

My advice OP, would be to find your local Rainbow Family group for general
support, because there’s nothing like talking to people who will be experiencing or have experience something you have to help you keep in an even keel.

I would go and be completely honest about your life
it’s then on her to curtail the friendship on those grounds, which means she is taking a happy relationship from her own child
i had similar when I left my husband due to horrific abuse, and my son self harming snfx suffering awful damage my we no longer fitted the nice, perfect middle class world.
fuck them, we are happier than ever, and you will be too

Oh no - there's nothing like being chucked in at the deep end, is there?!! 😂 Going from a couple, two parents of a walking, talking 18 month old overnight is an... interesting... experience!

I'm sure that, compounded with your original post, you still have that massive neon sign above your head flashing and screaming, "I HAVE ONLY BEEN A PARENT FOR X AMOUNT OF WEEKS SO NO, I DON'T YET KNOW HOW TO MANAGE MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOUR." 😂

If that is the case, I promise that does get much easier!!

Nice people do not get swept up and start liking posts calling all gay people pedophiles!

Exactly- the common denominator is men, whether they’re gay or straight has nothing to do with whether they’re violent or not. Violent men come in all sexualities. The common denominator is their gender NOT their sexuality.

“Violent men have absolutely nothing to do with lesbians” - true, but bashing gay men and suggesting they did this to a child because of their sexuality does have to do with lesbians- most lesbians feel strongly about protecting gay rights. Whether that’s males or females doesn’t make a difference. The way you write & the points you make don’t make a lot of sense (apologies if English isn’t your first language and that’s why)

I’m glad you decided not to go, I think, especially if you’ve got a lot going on as you say, it would’ve made you feel worse. Even if nothing was said, just the feeling of being in the presence of someone who you know actively disagrees with your whole identity, would make me feel really angry and over-protective of my child. I also just want to say, if you’re struggling with other people’s reactions to you being a same-sex family, it doesn’t have to be like that. My kids are 6 & 8 and we’ve literally never been treated any differently by anyone because of it (apart from on holiday in different countries where it’s assumed one of us is the auntie and sometimes still referred to as auntie even after correcting them! 🙄) But at home everyone we met through nursery, school, various clubs etc has never batted an eyelid. We do live in a pretty liberal area and there were other same-sex parents at nursery, and other kids of same-sex parents in both dcs years at school, so that helps. I don’t know where you live but if you’re finding things difficult could you look for LGBT parenting groups in your area? Try Facebook, there’s quite a few about. It’s a great way to meet other gay parents and for your kids to make friends with kids from a similar family setup. Maybe you need to shrink your ‘bubble’ a bit and only let people in who you know feel 100% positive about your family. 80% of the mum friends in my bubble are lesbians, so it’s completely normalised for my kids.

Pretty much everyone does…apart from you.

Pretty much everyone does…. what? Agree with the OP?

Maybe you need to shrink your ‘bubble’ a bit and only let people in who you know feel 100% positive about your family. 80% of the mum friends in my bubble are lesbians, so it’s completely normalised for my kids.

Even this comment is bizarre. You have decided to make sure that 80% of your mum friends are lesbians so your kids think same sex relationships are the standard? I don’t know the stats on same sex relationships but I’m pretty sure they’re not the standard, why would you want your kids to think that every relationship looks the same? Where’s the diversity in that?

Having read the thread, I’m curious to know whether you actually enjoyed spending time with this parent before this, or whether it would have been slightly awkward small talk either way?

Perfectly understandable to want to serve this one. If I were going to try to steel man her position I suppose it’s possible to assume that the real issue she has is with men, and the idea of two men in a relationship together multiplies whatever statistical risk factors she associates with men and children anyway, so potentially the idea of lesbians also being tarred as bad parents wouldn’t have even entered her head. But even if this was her position, you’d still be justified in wanting to swerve the play date because who wants to hang out with someone who is not only unable to articulate this position but goes on a public Facebook group to openly discuss it in an easily misread way?

You sound like a sensible, thoughtful person - I hope you find some other mums to hang out with who are genuinely fun company while your kids play!

Where does that poster say she has “decided to make sure” that 80% of her mum friends are lesbians? Why are you making stuff up? The fact that you don’t actually know the stats but are “pretty sure they’re not standard” really does demonstrate your homophobia.

You probably know way more homosexual people than you think - they are probably just not out to you. I wonder why.

You are throwing insults again.

Read back all my posts and see how many insults I’ve thrown (zero) and then read replies to me and see how many individual posters have called me names (lots).

I find it interesting. Is it in the spirit of the message board and is it in the interest of interesting conversation and debate? I would say it isn’t. Diversity of opinion and lifestyle is really important in society and especially important when raising children. We should be encouraging our children to engage and socialise with a wide variety of people and cultures. Celebrating difference is key.

Lol I haven’t “tried to make sure 80% of my mum friends are lesbians” 🤣. Of the mum friends I have they just happen to be the ones I have most in common with and are closest to. Most I’ve known for over 20 years and we had kids at a similar time, a few I’ve met through LGBT parenting groups, one is a school mum. I have straight mum and non-mum friends too. I don’t choose my friends because I’m trying to model some kind of diversity or whatever to my kids, they’re MY friends, I choose them because I like them, we get along and have things in common, just like everyone else. They just happen to be gay. It’s got nothing to do with my kids! But it does have the added bonus of making them feel like they’re different or the only ones with two mums.

NOT making them feel like they’re different I meant

i think you think you’ve counter-argued somehow, but you’ve just proved the point that you’ve surrounded yourself with people who think the same which was my point a thousand pages ago.

i know it’s a comfy thing to do and I completely understand the mindset, I just don’t think it’s useful to exist within an echo chamber.

I'm sorry it's making you feel worn down op. It makes sense it would take a toll which is why protecting your bandwidth is so important. The only people you need to show up for are your wife and child, the rest is secondary to that.

Can you delete cookies to reset your algorithm a bit? I'm not super technical but thinking it might help?

There will always be people who have horrible opinions but there are more people out there who would challenge those opinions.

Some people just need to learn that opinions are like penises. Fine to have, not ok to take out and wave around at everyone without asking first.