AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

You are of course entitled to your view. And others are entitled to avoid you because of it. Curious if you have children and how you'll cope if one of them is gay though.

I find it interesting that your argument rests on the supposition that you are open to speaking to anybody because you don’t make assumptions about people, yet you seem very intent on telling me who I would hate and what I would think of others. You don’t know anything about me, my politics or my stance on anything, yet you have created an entire narrative about me using a number of well-trodden tropes designed to sow societal disharmony.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

It's not just "any posts they find offensive" though, is it (nor is it a particularly arsey message). There are plenty of posts I'd personally disagree with to the point of them being offensive but people are entitled to their views and I'd gladly take my child to a playdate with someone who holds polar opposite views to mine. I have done, numerous times. DD's best friend in reception lived in a hugely evangelical household and I know they hold strong views against gay marriage - but they're lovely to me, and they don't think gay people are evil, just that we shouldn't get married because in their view it's a sacrament between a man and a woman. Fine. I've sat and chatted to people who hold very different views to mine on immigration, or on the criminal justice system, or on gender roles, while our children play.

It's an entirely different scenario to posting in public - or giving a speech at Speakers Corner - or announcing loudly in the local pub - that you think a particular group of society are dangerous or criminal just because they belong to that group. I'd not stop anyone thinking it or publicly saying it, but I don't have to go and drink tea with them either. Why wouldn't I protect my child from someone who thinks my family shouldn't be allowed? If I was in a mixed-race marriage and my child had a playdate lined up with someone who'd been liking white supremacist posts about Britain being diluted by dual heritage children would you think I should just go along and have a Tunnocks teacake to keep the peace? Because that's a level of appeasement that even I, as a serial people pleaser, can't accept.

Is't the OP's kid in nursery though? Hard for nursery aged kids to curate their own friendships, isn't it?

I wouldn’t go, myself. Nursery friendships have no depth and don’t continue into school. I couldn’t even tell you the names of the children my 18 and 21yo went to nursery with. There were no outside playdates, just one party for DS. One or two may have ended up at the same infant school but if they did it had no bearing on school/class friendships. So long as they are socialised and happy to mix with other children at nursery and outside activities, they will be fine at school.

I would have given this mother a swerve, personally, and I’m straight [mum to a lesbian, now, but obvs didn’t know that when she was 4!].

That doesn't make sense?

You were sorting your own play dates at 3?

I’d cancel.

Really? It's true that I don't remember ALL the children that DD was at nursery with, but one of them (that went on to the same school) is her best friend and there's something special about the way they've grown up together and understand each other so well. The other that went to her school is also still a good friend (although boys and girls are not that interested in each other at this age) and there's another little girl at a different school we keep in touch with regularly too.

Yes, really.

Re my PP above. Not all nurseries are attached to a school.

Many are independent, so @Jesstica that may shape your response if it is the nursery that leads into the local infant/primary school. We only have one of those in my town and it fed into a school that was only ‘fair-good’, so no-one sent their darlings there! Have about 5 independent/village nurseries and a few attached to private schools.

I wouldn't go on principle. The kiddos can be friends but id avoid the awful adults

Her nursery wasn't attached to a school.

Because it’s the same old virtue signalling nonsense that we all fall over daily on social media. Reread the thread. The pearl clutching over the great unwashed with their less than perfect thoughts. The unwillingness to engage or ‘educate’. It’s embarrassing. We are not worthy.

Yeah same here. Bog standard independent nursery

Do people really want to be engaged with or educated? I've already been accused on this thread of being judgy or preachy

Personally I rarely find people take kindly to that or want to be challenged politically by someone unprovoked.

I don't think people want their soft play with a side of political judgement on either side.

In which case, I really would not worry about being invested in relationships [DCs or yours/DWs with other parents]. So long as baby is having a great time and is settled, they will be set up for whichever school they go on to and make ‘proper’ friends there. And if there is a child or two from the independent nursery you are using at the same school and in the same class, then all well and good.

Play groups (rugby tots, playball, music with mummy etc) are the place to meet likeminded fellow mums locally, and you will soon find the ones that accept your family without question. I truly would not bother with this other mother as it is clear you don’t really share the same values.

The OP isn’t just talking about a differing political belief though - the belief this woman has is directly offensive to her family, her child, and her whole identity. Don’t you get what the difference is? Assuming you are white and imagine you’re married to a non-white person and have mixed race kids. Imagine if a white acquaintance invited you and your kids to their house then you saw posts on SM from them that said they don’t agree with interracial marriage. They wouldn’t have to say much more than that for you to know it’s because they’re a racist, they believe any other skin colour is inferior to white, so they believe your partner and children are sub-human. Would you be happy to spend time and make polite conversation with this person? Would you risk them saying something racist in front of your child? If you haven’t been discriminated against for who you are then you have no idea what it feels like to be around people who disagree with your very existence

I suppose it depends on what you want out of any interaction. I know you didn’t want to discuss politics, as you stated as such in your opening post, so would a play date require you to know anything about the other parent’s views on same sex parenting? If you hadn’t seen their social media activity you would be none the wiser as to how they felt about a range of subjects. You’re trying to filter these people out before you’ve got to know them, and I think that would be a shame.

On the general point of whether people like to be educated I couldn’t talk about anyone other than myself. I don’t have fixed views on much, so I’m always open to discussing things and I certainly might change an opinion based on meeting someone and I might realise I was totally wrong about certain subjects. That’s the joy of meeting a mix of people.

If they do go to the same school then my experience is that they do tend to stay close, and it's going to be tricky to avoid this Mum until Y6. However, it seems that this varies- although at minimum there'll be a few whole class parties in KS1. You're within your rights to write her off now and have nothing more to do with her but it might get more awkward over time.

It's not your job to educate and I wouldn't to be honest, just the fact that you are a perfectly nice, normal woman who happens to be in a relationship with a woman with (I presume) a perfectly happy, well-balanced child who happens to have 2 Mums might be enough to make her rethink her ideas. I definitely wouldn't entertain a political debate, I'd challenge her simply by demonstrating what a same sex family looks like, which is probably very different to the propaganda she's been swallowing.

The OP has said the ‘friend’s’ reaction was to the story of the male gay couple who allegedly murdered a child that had been placed in their care. There was some nuance to the reaction even if that doesn’t suit your knee jerk reaction straight to unbridled bigotry.

I think if someone (especially someone who is presumably still fairly young if she has a nursery age child) has got to 2026 and still holds these bigoted views it’s not because they aren’t educated, it’s because they’re hateful..possibly ignorant as well but I agree no adult takes kindly to “being educated”, especially not by a virtual stranger on a play date! Also it’s not your responsibility to educate her

What has the fact that they’re a gay couple got to do with the fact they murdered and abused their adopted child?! Do you know how many fostered/adopted children have been abused by straight couples? Does anyone mention their sexuality in these cases? No. Jeeez this reminds me of back in the day when people used to think gay men must be peados 🤣

@Jesstica Your little one is 3? Then you and your wife get to choose who they have playdates with.
Cancel it. You don't need that kind of attitude around your children.

Why whataboutery the facts? It’s okay to recognise that two gay males sexually abused a baby to death alongside recognising that other males, not in a gay relationship, have also violently abused children. When you aren’t wrapped up in needing to be right you can recognise the common denominator here are males. Violent men and absolutely nothing to to do with lesbians.