AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

You think it's 'virtue-signalling nonsense' for someone not to want to expose themselves (never mind their child) to someone who holds negative beliefs about her family set-up and might find this out while they happen to all be together? If you haven't experienced finding out live that someone happens to be prejudiced against someone like you then you're very lucky and I hope you don't have to find out how awful and stomach-dropping it is to realise they immediately think less of you. Maybe OP wouldn't be in that situation, but maybe she would - and a lifetime of never knowing which it would be is exhausting, and in this instance she has a heads up that actually, there's a fairly good chance this mum actively disapproves of her just because of her life.

The OP has absolutely no idea how this lady feels about her family set up. She has surmised how this lady feels from the small amount of social media activity she has seen.

Yes you are. People are also entitled to avoid social contact with you because they find your views abhorrent.

I've said multiple times that it's not about the specific response to this case, it's the sweeping statements.

Again the difference between saying bad terrorist vs they should all go back to their own country

Personally the level of homophobia towards gay men does not make me feel safe as a gay woman. A few posters have made the point but genuinely I don't feel like people posting about gay men tend to be the best allies of lesbians.

Its the same feeling as feeling okay as I'm one nationality when people are making sweeping statements about a similar country.

Most minorities have experience of the "i don't mean you of course, just all the other ones" and it's never that comfortable

I’m straight and I would swerve this woman, I find her views abhorrent and I would want to protect my young children from being exposed to them, which is easy to do at this age at least. Harder to do when they are older and you may not want your DD to lose a friend over it. But at this age when friendships are entirely reliant on you, life is too short to maintain a relationship with someone who has those views about families like yours. I’d decline/avoid and if forced I’d explain why. She put her views on the community Facebook page, don’t put them out there if you are prepared to be held to account for them.

But the reason those nasty vile men did that to the baby was nothing to do with them being gay? It’s because they were vile nasty people.

the same as the many parents who hurt and abuse and kill their children, as one example baby p, but sadly many more.

I think i have decided to swerve this one.

As other posters have helpfully said she's 3, and im sure it won't kill her social life! Its not part of a wider thing, and perhaps that will be a better way forward of more group things because I normally find the sitting with a random mum trying at the best of times!

In all honesty, there's a lot going on personally for us and I think I'm simply not in the space to entertain stuff like this.

Its made me realise just how difficult I find it, not helped by the algorithm now showing me lots of similar posts so now feel more whole feed is full of similar.

The reality is (and I'm sure it's the same for most mums for various reason) is that somehow people feel entitled to talk alot about same sex conception, parenting etc which has just worn me down a bit. I had a nice chat with my dsil who has a donor concieved son, about the questions were were asked as a gay couple thinking about donors, and how different that was/ people chipped in less for her.

Thanks all, it's helped me feel like I'm not over reacting or making my daughter a social pariah

It's depressing how many posters think it's the responsibility of gay people to educate homophobes or ingratiate themselves with them in an effort to "change their minds".

Don’t meet her then. You’ve made up your mind. People on here have agreed. Just cancel the play date and ignore her going forward. Easily sorted.

You can tell that to my local reform counsellors!

I agree, I'm surprised at the number of posters who have openly brought it into this conversation, in a "tensions are high they must have got swept up" way. As if it's an excuse for being homophobic.

There's no excuse for it. I think its disingenuous to be like oh but it's an important conversation. Writing slurs, things about deviant lifestyles etc isnt how that conversation is had, and isnt raising awareness of important issues.

You’re trying to find reasons to feel depressed at this point. Life is hard enough without reading a thread online and deciding the world is out to get you. Little bit of fresh air and some warm sun on your face will help. It’s meant to be a very nice weekend 👌

In the interests of your spirit of everyone should just be having conversations to hear peoples points of view, that people should be challenged and being open

You've done a pretty good job at being passive agressive, talking over people and shutting people down. Maybe practice what you're telling other people to do or how it is that you are having all this conversations?

I don't think you have to reach to see why posts in my local pages, with engagement with people linked to me about how gay people are paedophile, deviant and shouldn't have kids might impact me as a parent.

You’re just unhappy because you didn’t like the fact I didn’t agree with you. Not everyone will. It’s okay.

I hear you, as a hetro female coming up to 39 years married, technically as “straight” as can be, it also appauls me, I stand up to the sort of posts as much as I can. Unfortunately, I can’t spend 24 hours a day doing it, so I mostly go unheard.

Don’t spend your time with such people, you’re better than that.

I'd be inclined to go and see how it plays out naturally in conversation. I don't think you should have to either hide or announce your family set-up in advance. If they really are massive homophobes/bigots then fuck them off like the cunts they are. You absolutely shouldn't have to worry about this, but I completely get why you are thinking about it. Sadly there are people like this but you can't shield your children from it forever so start as you mean to go on. Much love and all the best x

Those comments and gossip will never go away, most will be polite in company. It’s no one else’s business how you structure your family so it is up to you and your DW really on pros and cons. You shouldn’t have to hide and be a recluse. I’d also suggest less dwelling on social media if it affects you or your relationship that much. I think it might show in how you behave act and speak. Everyone has freedom of speech but you are also free to enjoy your life and choose your structure, don’t bother with what others think. Will it matter in 2,5,20 years. People are right to be upset with any abuse of kids but it’s clearly not ok to demonise anyone relating to their sexual orientation, identity and personal choice over family structure. Hope that helps.

What about the consequences of @Jesstica 's children??

Very easy opinion to have when it's not YOUR family. Would you say the same thing to, say, a white mother of a mixed-heritage child who found out someone was "liking" racist posts? You absolutely would not.

You forgot to call us snowflakes. Would you like to add that in?

Not wanting to spend time with a person who seems to think your entire family set up and way of life shouldn’t exist is not “virtue signalling”. Would you tell a black American they need to expand their “echo chamber” by hanging out with the KKK? Or a woman she should spend time hanging out with rapists?

Telling a gay person to stop “virtue signalling” because they don’t want to hang out with a homophobe is a disgusting response.

Bloody excellent comeback!!!

Not to mention the child in question is 3 years old! I’d be more worried if the OP wasn’t involved at that age.

Is it really hateful to say every child deserves to have a mother?

Do you think you would continue to have this approach if you were dealing with a racist? Do you think you'd be able to change a racist's mind? Do you think you could "understand why they feel the way they do"?

I'm not playing devil's advocate here, these are genuine questions.

I think that poster would be a-okay with anything that didn’t directly affect them.

But that’s not what was said, is it? So why try and twist it?