AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

[Jesstica]

not a political debate do you decide which kids hang out with yours based on their parents (if they are of a parents coming along age?)

Hey. I'm from a 2 mum family and debating if I should still go on a play date thing. Long story short a local political group (naming no names!) has recently posted some dodgy stuff about same sex parents, box ticking and that they shouldn't be allowed to adopt which has meant that people in the comments are chipping in some bold stuff. One of the people liking/adding some posts, is someone who we are due to meet up with next week whos kid goes to nursery with ours. We dont know her well, I'd presume she knows our family set up but I don't know because this is the first non nursery meet up.

DW wants to be mysteriously busy, because she doesnt want any awkwardness if she hasn't realised, or for those views to get through to our kid if it becomes a longer friendship. Our kids can hang out at nursery etc, just not on parent play dates outside of it until perhaps when they are old enough that hanging out with the kid doesn't mean also hanging out with the parents.

I dont want to interfere with the friendship but am not thrilled at awkward parent chat while they play. None of this is either of our kids fault so I'm tempted to go along but then don't know what I'd do if she wants to schedule more

It's a perfectly legitimate point of view.

I'm bisexual and have been in relationships with women and, with respect, I don't believe in gay adoption.

It's not necessarily coming from a place of hate. (It might be, but not necessarily).

I think you are overthinking this, I had no idea what people's setup was in nursery, in fact I still don't for many and one of my children is off into y6 next year, they've been in the same class since nursery. One of the mums told me during lockdown her neighbour (who's kid is in the class) left her husband for a woman, I still don't know which kid it is 5 years on 🤣, you don't tend to go to kids partys/playdates in couples so it's impossible to work out.

Also are you sure the posts weren't in response to the hideous case of the 2 gay men adopting a 10 month old in Blackpool, they sexually abused him and he died at 13 months old, I read about it yesterday, one was a high school teacher too https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c393eww1pero there were many comments on the post on social media.

It is in response to a post about this. I'm not talking about the responses to this specific incident which of course is horrific. I'm not concerned about the threats, or anger towards them

It was put out out by the group as a gays shouldn't adopt, this is because of diversity gone mad thing. The comments I'm concerned about her liking aren't the ones referring to these people but the more generic gays shouldn't have access to children comments, its abuse to have kids as same sex couples, all gays are paedo type thing and comments with slurs etc in

Yeah it could be something about men using surrogates. I know that's not something a lot of people are keen on.

I definitely avoided future play dates after going to one where the dad spent the whole time ranting about how covid was a hoax eg “well I never had the vaccine and according to them I should be dead by now. But more fool them, I won’t be microchipped like the rest of you”

I didn’t really worry it would influence DC, I just didn’t want to listen to it again.

I've commented above. Its nothing to do with surrogacy

I'd cancel and avoid them in future. Heterosexual couples abuse and kill children too, are they out with the pitchforks and abhorrent comments then?

I'd go on the playdate, assume they're a perfectly nice person who got swept up in things online due the the horrific abuse and casually mention your wife and see the reaction you get. It will be easy to make your decision on whether there will be any further play dates based on how that goes. At least then you'll know exactly where you stand.

I wouldn’t go OP and I’d discourage the friendship … there’s plenty of other kids who come from families who don’t hold these views.

I was sadly expecting this kind of response to that horrific case.

My DD is hoping to have a baby with her GF in the future and it saddens me immensely that this kind of shite still goes on 😟

This woman has shown you who she is, drop her and focus on some decent people at nursery.

I would actively choose to go. My best friend once had a massive rant about same issue (I was horrified). I gently pointed out to her that she attended a dinner party at my house two days ago and met a lovely gay couple and does she really believe they are unfit parents. She didn't realise they were a couple, apparently but this conversation completely changed her perspective to the point that years later she was apologising to me about this rant.
People believe what they believe until it is about some group of people they have no exposure to. So give her an opportunity to get to know you and change her mind.

It sounds like its a group play date rather than just you and her and your kids? Is that right? In that case I would go, the vast majority of people are reasonable and won't share her views and you should hold your head up high.
If its a one to one - then absolutely no way. You don't have to make nice with a bigot for the sake of your children.

I would just cancel if she asks why “wouldn’t want to make anything awkward with your views on life Sally.”

One of my best friends is married to a woman and has a sperm donor baby, 2 of my old uni housemates also have the same setup, but I don't think gay men should be allowed to adopt babies. The 2 aren't the same thing. I'm also anti surrogacy, I don't think anyone should be allowed to rent a woman's womb. My friend doesn't know I have these views why would she need to? The 2 things aren't related.

I wouldn't go and would try to promote other friendships which I think would be better long term for your child.

I'm fairly right of centre but racism and homophobia are absolute boundaries I'd be busy and cancel this.

This is a really interesting topic.
I would like to think I’d agree with @Rumors1and be bold enough to call them on it, in a dignified way. In reality, I might be more inclined to think not my circus not my clowns and avoid someone who sounds like a raging homophobe like the plague. It is however a great opportunity to change someone’s whole perspective on the subject once they get to know you, which is very noble, but not sure I personally am that noble.
Also, I suspect there’s a chance that they may really like you and still hold those views afterwards anyway - ‘I’ve got gay friends, but I just don’t believe in X on principle’ type people. Perhaps some of these prejudices just run too deep.

I’d love to hear what you eventually decide to do, and if you do go, an update on how it went please OP?

Life’s too short just text her cancelling

“i think it’s best we cancel seen your post/reply about gay parents I presume you are unaware we are gay parents wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable so best we leave it “

I’d do this.

Struggling to see why you are giving it so much thought, go if you want to but don’t make your sexuality front and centre of the occasion. You will I am sure have many more facets to your personality other than whom you are attracted to. You can drop the odd reference to your wife into the conversation to test the water and either cut it short or actually discover that it is very rare to find people whose total opinions and stance aligns completly with yours.

I am a happily out lesbian and have children, in my experience you will meet many people whilst your child/ren are growing up, it is highly likely that your child won’t even recall their contemporaries from nursery let alone still be friends with them so with the greatest respect save your energies for the big issues.

As an aside I don’t agree with surrogacy, am a proud TERF and find many gay men very misogynistic, so life is somewhat of a spectrum.

I’m in a same sex marriage as well OP and in this instance I would cancel. If the woman asks why I would also be honest. Her views do not represent her child’s, so it’s not as if you’re saying your children can’t hang out at school, but you most certainly do not need to. There is a big difference between being disgusted by a particular case and making such sweeping generalisations.

For instance, both those men were men, so would the same online group say men shouldn’t be allowed to adopt? Where are these people when straight men are raping and killing children? Are they saying all men are deviants? Of course not. This is not about child welfare, it’s homophobia, pure and simple.

I am also from an ethnic minority background and I also wouldn’t hang around with someone who was liking posts from Reform about boats etc.

You do not have to spend your leisure time with anyone who makes you uncomfortable. Life’s too short for that.

If she asks why you’re cancelling I would just be factual and probably say something like “based on the posts you’ve been liking on X platform about Y, I assumed you would not like to spend time with a same-sex couple who have a child together.”

Just don't go, no need for dramas or explanations. Plenty of other kids at nursery to play with surely?

As an aside i had no idea what parents at my dc's school liked on social media.

I suspect a lot of people who think 'gays shouldn't adopt' are doing knee jerk responses and haven't really thought about the needs of children awaiting adoption, how many suitable adoptive parents there are, why sometimes a single person or single sex couple may be specifically preferable etc etc.

You won't change people's minds by avoiding them.

I'd go just to see her face as she realises your family set up and feign ignorance of her bigotry.

I made a mistake of friending some school mums on social media when my daughter was little and immediately deleted them. I honestly didn't want to know! A little bit different if this is on a page for the entire community though, if you are on that sort of page you can't really avoid it.