AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

[TrescoDays]

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

Maybe don’t confront him if you’re not in the right place to do so. Bide your time, gather your strength and gather your evidence, and act when you are feeling ready and strong enough. But see him for who is in the meantime.

No one ever needs to "gather evidence" in this kind of situation. Women are in charge of their own destinies

You should have put yourself forward offering your services as a PI to be honest 😜

It’s a ‘I’m trying to stir up trouble thing’ at the very least.

Affairs.

That's all you need to know to know your husband doesn't have respect for your feelings.

The reason he met her in secret is the same reason as he kept his affairs secret. He doesn't care for your feelings.

He will do what he wants when he wants regardless of how it makes you feel.

This isn't the first time and it won't be the last time his actions make you feel shit.

Unless you choose to stop him from making you feel shit by ending the marriage and doing what makes you happy.

I knew someone would say that but I chose to believe that most people will get the point I'm making.

He has had multiple affairs
He is having another one with someone who openly dislikes you
She sent the card (with the message about the cold) to the family home so that YOU WOULD READ IT.

I would be furious with my DH if he even engaged in conversation with someone who dislikes me, never mind 'entertained' them in his cosy bachelor pad.

Why is your bar so low?

Don’t have to confront him, just make plans to
get out of this @TrescoDays you will never be able to trust him.

And what good partner would be letting anyone badmouth you? This all sounds dreadful.

My husband even said it’s a sex thing. Do you need hit of the head.

The easiest way to have an affair is to have another home away from the wife and spend 3-4 nights a week there. If you can’t see this I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds deeply suspicious to me. I was in a relationship where my ex had an affair. At first, I didn’t know how I would cope without him, but I am thriving now & know my worth. You can & will get through this & in years to come will wonder why you were so blinded by him. Good luck.

I am saying this without reading the ret of the thread but...

Once you post on mumsnet your relationship over. Most of these replies will be "he's cheating or "he wouldn't do this with Brian from accounts."

Nothing said here should change your opinion. You dont trust him, hence why you are here, nothing from any opinion will change how you feel

I don't believe the "Once you post on mumsnet your relationship is over"

Lots of threads are people venting and sometimes get told they are in the wrong and not the other person.

I do believe however, that once you forgive a cheat, most take it as that you don't actually mind and therefore continue to cheat.

Some people believe being respectful/respected is keeping the affair secret.

All the but I come back to you/he comes back to me talk is from relationships that are unhealthy.

Your DH knows you accept it OP that's why he hasn't stopped.

Wow, this is no way to live OP.

You don’t have to confront him if you’re not ready for that yet. Depending on your financial situation that can get messy, do you have any children with him? How much do you do together, e.g. weekends together etc?

You can draw a line and decide for yourself that this is not how you want to live going forward. And start detaching emotionally. Practice radical acceptance, don’t sugarcoat things, don’t cling to hope he’ll change. Because he won’t. Well, one day when he’s older, impotent and unwell, he will probably want you to look after him etc but imagine trying muster compassion for someone who has caused so much pain to you through the years and who you actually resent. Stuff that.

Start reading about what you need for divorce and gather all docs you will need, he’s doing you a favour by being away half the week, you have time and space to see a lawyer and prep without him knowing or interfering.That’s a good position to be in.

Instead of considering a PI or trying to catch him in the act, start imagining what will change for the better when you don’t have this current weight on your shoulders. Things you would like to do with your life, your path, away from this depressing mess. Start paving that path in your head.

My ex didn’t cheat (that i know of) but there were strip clubs and porn, i stayed for many years because we had small kids (expensive) and it wasn’t bad enough to leave. Because of what was going on though, i was completely emotionally detached by the time i decided to go ahead with divorce. I’ve gone through all the grieving of our relationship whilst we were still ‘together’. There was no post divorce grief, adjustment to new situation- yes, but no grief or sadness, i was long done.

There are happier days ahead of you, you just need to chose them💐

It seems hard, and I feel for you. But not saying anything will cause it to fester and become something bigger. Also, if it is an affair then isn't it better to know sooner rather than later. If he has cheated in the past and you see this woman as something that threatens your relationship than a hard boundary of him going no contact with her isn't unreasonable, it's very obvious she wanted you to know about her visiting him as others have said, that was definitely a calculated move she either A. Is having an affair with him and wants you to know. Or B wants to have an affair with him and is trying to create a rift or distance between you and DH either way she's purposefully trying to cause a break up. This needs to be explicitly explained to your husband EITHER WAY.

You're obviously being sarcastic yes? Op has all the evidence she needs!

I'm sorry you're going through this op.
I can't add any more advice to the hundreds of posts you've already received apart from having an affair yourself, then rubbing his nose in it to see how he likes it!!! (I'm petty like that)....then LTB!