AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

[TrescoDays]

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

There doesn't sound much here to hold on for, OP, but you say you don't have 'the bandwidth' to cope with it right now. If, for whatever reason, you are not prepared or able to have a huge bust up right now then wait until you are, it'll keep.
In the meantime, don't ask any questions that you are not ready to cope with the answers to. Take the card and tuck it away somewhere safe so he can't deny it when you are ready for 'the talk' and start in your own time to get your own ducks in a row because sadly anybody who disturbs yoiur peace of mind for any reason is perhaps not worth holding on to in the long run.
There are things here that are staring you in the face and, when you can, you need to look at them and make some brave decisions. But if you bide your time and do it at your own pace when you are prepared and ready then you will get better outcomes for your future than going in now with guns blazing which it sounds like you don't feel up to doing right now.
If you have a home and another property then a split should not be too difficult if it comes to that but do, in the meantime, make yourself aware fully of your financial position - if he can hide a card he can hide a lot of things.

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying

The only thing he is trying to do OP is avoid a costly divorce - I hope you have some support IRL.

If a friend of mine advocated against my DP I'd tell them in no uncertain terms to pack it in. If they didn't I'd at least cool the friendship right down. My DP would do the same.
That your DH hasn't done this speaks volumes IMO.
Don't even get me started on him hiding the card.

Theres a reason she sent a card to your home address

Oh definitely - she wants you to know she's around.

Sounds like a MASSIVE cu*t to be honest. Husband is a pushover. Over my dead body would I let this happen. I would be gone take everything and leave the card on the counter next to a finished looroll

You're trying. He's clearly not. I bet staying with you makes his life easier, though. I also bet she's tired of being the side-chick.

He'll leave when it makes sense for him to. I hope you have some support when it happens.

He's not trying very hard if he's having secret meetings with other women. Even if it's not a 'sex thing', he's lying to you and hiding things from you and is having an emotional affair. If I were your IRL friend I'd be telling you to find some self esteem and tell him he's either in the marriage or out of it.

I love the finished looroll

You need to leave him, you can't trust him.

Sorry I accidentally clicked on YABU but you’re absolutely not. 🫣

Google self respect then try and find some. He lies he cheats and shags other people. Spends half his life as a single man and you ask AIBU. Behave.

Of course it’s a sex thing

This

Personally (and yes I know it's probably illegal, before you all jump up and down squealing) I'd bug/camera the flat. Super easy to do these days, as long as you hide them well.

She's tired of being his mistress so sent the card to your house rather than his flat.

Line up your paperwork so you know your financial position and then sit downand talk about what YOU want to do. He's checked out already

Yikes 🚩

Ps - as others have said take control as this could be the end of your marriage. You have a lot of good advice here - face up to what’s happening and make decisions that suit you. There should not be a big row about this - he should be apologising and tell OW he’s not seeing her again. If he’s not prepared to put you first then you know where you stand….in second place.

Why she already knows he cheats she just believes she's super special as he comes back to her? She doesn't need proof she's on here looking for validation and sympathy.

OP's not going anywhere and that is why he's just living the way he wants.

Have some pride OP.

Get the finances together then move him to his flat permanently.

The fact she sent the card to him at your home address makes me think she is a bit unstable and wants to break you up. Let her have him, two clowns. I'm sure they will be very happy.....not. But that's his problem not yours.

People will treat you how you allow them to. You allow him to treat you like shit and thus...he continues to do so.

if you don't change anything, nothing will change. This is your only life - why are you wasting it in this way?

Well whatever about anything else .
A husband who has his own flat & is away 3/4 nights a week every week is a recipe for Marriage Fuck over 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Posters will come on here now & start giving out about what I said “ oh but a healthy marriage
is all about trust “ bla , bla 🙄.
Wouldn’t be for me , that they’re away from me more than they’re with me .

How come he can’t find work where you guys live?

One hell of a drip feed... I wouldn't be hurt i'd be fuming and expecting the worse since hes 1. a cheating scum bag and 2. he lied by omission...

Why havent you confronted him and when / what will be enough...

You need to find your self respect and leave him. You drop in a comment about him cheating multiple times like it's nothing. The mind boggles.