AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

[TrescoDays]

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

You need to ask him what the fuck is going on in no uncertain terms. I would not put up with this shit. He is messing you around. Very dodgy.

Why is he even speaking to someone who clearly doesn’t like his wife?
fuck her, u should be more worried about why ur husband is still friends with her when she obv can’t stand u and why is she so confident to badmouth you to him??
red flags everywhere op.

I would not be happy with this flat situation either. He needs to knock that on the head and live with you or what is the point in being together/married. He could agile work from home. Sounds like he is living the single life to me and he has forgotten that he is married and you are way to lax and allowing this.

Do you have a key to this flat if not get one and just turn up unannounced his reaction should tell tyou al that you need to know?

She s fed up of be8ng a secret affair so wants it out there.
Soeak to your soontobeExh

It transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug.

Since your trip in February? If so, he's not trying. I'd happily blow up her engagement too on your way out.

I'm going to take a not so wild guess that the OP is not ready/has no intention of leaving. Maybe it's emotional, financial, spiritual pr otherwise; but she will stay.
He probably provides her with a financially wonderful lifestyle, and so she's decided it's in hers and her children's interests to stay.

All I would advise @TrescoDays , is that you stop trying to fix the marriage - waste of precious time and energy. The man no longer loves or respects you, and probably stays for the same reasons you do; knowing he can cheat as much as he likes and you'll not be moved.

Accept this is your relationship now and find a way to make yourself happy, outwith the marriage. Enjoy the wealth for what it offers. Syphon off some funds into a rainy day account, encourage him to pass some on to the children and enjoy as much as you can, in case he finds a mistress he actually wants to fly off with.

That is the best you can do at this stage, unless you find the gumption to leave.

You might be trying but I don't think he is really.

Do you know why he cheats on you and keeps thia horrid woman around without any thought or respect to your feelings?

I do - You're enabling him to do it. You are literally lowering your standards and self-respect so much, by allowing him to stay in the marital home/bed, by not kicking him to the curb you are enabling him to do this to you.

Raise your standards, not your tolerance.

You don't deserve to he treated like this. You're a veritable leg-over at this point. Your home is becoming a weekend away from his real home - His bachelor pad. A break from work. For the love of god...get rid! Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like crap!?

You're complaining about this vile woman and the affairs, yet you keep him around. This is you telling him it's OK to do it because you will keep taking him back and he is taking massive advantage of that. You're extremely naive. Of course he's sleeping with her! I bet he told you he wasn't sleeping with any of the other women, either?

It's really not nice or acceptable that your DH wants to maintain a friendship with a woman who tells him to divorce you. That is a huge red flag in itself. And sending the card to your home feels very deliberate. I am sorry OP but I think she will continue to slowly drip poison into his ear either because she is having/wants to have an affair with him or because she just wants rid of you.

And if he doesn't see or care about the reality of that then I fear this will only end in tears for you (frankly your DH and this woman both sound terrible).

Do you truly want your relationship to continue? Or would you consider ending it? I know ending relationships is never easy but this one seems like a huge mess and deeply unfair on you. I am sure you could do better with someone deserving of you.

Sorry OP 😔

I only just see OPS post now about him having affairs previously !
And she says in original post she doesn’t mind him having his own flat & staying away 3/4 night a week every week .
Ah OP ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️
You don’t need this guy in your life .
Hope you come to realise this soon .
There’s a whole new life out there waiting for you .

I can't even believe that anyone voted to say you're being unreasonable. Wtf. The fact that you're questioning it is pretty messed up too - this one is pretty clear cut to me. Go with your gut on this.

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying.

Maybe you are. He's not. Far from it.

@TrescoDays love, when he had his previous affairs, they were secret too. You know she dislikes you and wants him to leave you, why do you think she’s not either shagging him, or at least trying to? Why else would she be so interested in him leaving his marriage.

sure he’s probably told her you’re awful…

the fact that the card came to YOUR HOUSE was not by accident. You know this

the question is… WHY are you tolerating his affairs at the expense of your happiness and wellbeing? Why is all this pain something you need to keep putting yourself through.

this is not a you win she loses situation, you’re already losing time you could be spending happily alone without all this soul killing doubt and being gas lit left right and centre.

he’s a liar and a cheat. You know this. Let the marriage go, it’s served its purpose. He can go live in his flat. Splitting would be very easy.

pack him a bag and tell him to go and stay gone.

@TrescoDays “There would be a massive row and I’m not sure I’ve got the bandwidth for that right now.”

no massive row, pack him a bin bag and tell him to go to the flat. If he shouts, tell him you’ll call the police, but you’re not arguing with him. You’re done with him and his secret life/lies

She's flushing him out. I dont think she enjoys divorced life quite so much that she wants to stay single. No doubt she gave him her cold by lending a handkerchief. Can't think of any other way... but I am very very sorry you are in this position.

Do you really genuinely think its not sexual or do you need to convince yourself it's not because if it is, it's another affair and you have to decide whether to leave or to forgive yet again and accept he's never going to keep his dick in his pants?

He's cheating and she's letting you know.

Get STI testing. "Cold" might mean something else she gave him.

He is living as a single man with his own flat most of the week. That includes having her to stay.
As you say he’s cheated previously, is it that your lifestyle is too good to end this ?

There have already been affairs so why do you even care now?! It’s clear he can’t be trusted. Leave the twat!

You need to speak to him or your resentment will grow.
he may well not be sleeping with her but he certainly knows that he shouldn’t be having this secret relationship with her. Anyone who meddles and tries to destroy a couple is someone who he should step back from. He needs to know that you remain even more uncomfortable with the secret friendship and will have to think about what you do depending on his next move.

If you’ve not got children, then I’d just walk away. Sell any home you have, and start again. Best you both get on with different lives.

If you’ve got children, then sort that out.

I’d forget this woman, but if he’s had affairs, I couldn't deal with it.

If you’re ok with it all, then just get on with life. 🤷‍♀️

Confront him about it, sooner rather than later.

Does it really matter what she is to him?
He's already had affairs -plural , how much more are you going to put up with ?
Your life would be so much more settled and happy surely ? without this cheating liar in it.

Im not saying it’s definitely a ‘sex thing’ but a secret meeting with a woman who dislikes his wife and who he has history with. And then hiding the card…

Yeah, it’s a sex thing!