AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

[TrescoDays]

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

Christ op - WAKE THE FUCK UP. He's had multiple affairs and you think hes not having one now?!

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying.

You're trying. He's not.

So you know he has affairs?

You know she advocates against you.

You know he meets up with her in secret.

Why on earth would you think he isn't having sex with her? Because she's engaged? He's married and it hasn't stopped him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly, you'll get out of this at some point and wonder why on earth you tolerated it for so long!

I wouldn't waste another week of my life without thinking how to move forward and divoring him.
Wait and observe him for a year?? I'm sure OP, like the rest of us is only getting one shot at life, why waste it on this serial cheat.?
Of course OP could take your advice, meanwhile he's sniffing round over lamp posts and making OP look like a real idiot because she's passively waiting and observing.🙄Or she could rip the plaster off go through the post divorce healing process and within the year, getting her life back rather than being the after thought of her crap h.

he’s backed into a corner because he knew the shit storm if he was honest

Given your update @TrescoDays I would not bother confronting him, I’d take a photo for evidence though. Then just get a plan together to leave as soon as possible. Once I was ready to leave I’d confront him, but at the is point, after he’s had affairs already, I wouldn’t see the point in having some big argument about it. He doesn’t respect you, don’t waste any more of your life on him.

Oh op. Do you have doormat written on your forehead?

Why are you staying with him? How old are you and what are your financial circumstances?

Well all we know from the OP is:

• old flame
• flat in another city
• lots of time away
• secret visits
• giving each other bugs
• wants him to leave her
• previous affairs
• hiding letters from her

and a few other things. I’d just want to see more evidence being drip-fed into the thread before jumping to any conclusions.

Just leave him. "We" are not trying. You are trying, though heaven knows why, and he is being a cheating shit. Just leave.

It’s very much a sex thing. But from her perspective I think it’s also a love thing.
She’s been trying to break you up for years. Sending the card referencing their meet up to your family home was deliberate. She wants you to know he’s spending time with another woman.
And he doesn’t want you to know he’s spending time with another woman.
He’s had affairs (I noticed the plural) and he’s still keeping secrets. If a relationship ever recovers from an affair it involves full disclosure, transparency and access to devices etc. Taking you on nice holidays and buying you pretty things isn’t affair recovery. It’s buttering you up to continue being a deceitful, adulterous scumbag.
Even IF (it’s a big if!) he isn’t having sex with her, she clearly has feelings for him, he knows that but still keeps her around for a little ego boost. She’s a mistress with or without the sex.
I kind of feel bad for her. She’s pitiful and he’s dirt.

she apologises for giving him her cold bug

I know her sort. She knows exactly what’s she’s doing by posting it to the family home.

Chester or cheater in the making and a OW trying to p*ss on your terrorist to mark it and letting you know !

He had affairs and you are trying to what ??? Just stop being a doormat and leave him and take your 50% of everything and above all your dignity back

Her being engaged to someone else is just you trying to pretend everything is okay - your husband is 99% sleeping with her.

She sent the card to your house so you would see it. She wants you to know your husband is sleeping with her, but she didn't want to outright say it - likely for fear of backlash from your husband / upsetting him.

So instead she's 'accidentally' posted this card to your house.

I’m not sure I’d bother confronting him - genuinely, what would be the point?

outcome 1: massive confrontation, he apologises, assures you it won’t happen again or it wasn’t an affair and that you can “trust” him and that he wants the marriage to work (despite all evidence to the contrary), you take him back and he carries on as normal. Repeat in a year or two.

outcome 2: massive confrontation, marriage is over (probably he ends it but blames you for being controlling etc) and you’ve lost the edge of surprise and time to see a lawyer and sort things out before handing him the divorce papers.

if it was me, I’d document what I could, see a lawyer, and take some time to decide whether this was the life I want. This is who he is. I’d be done but it’s not my marriage/life do you need to decide what you can live with. Then I’d calmly and quietly arrange my exit and drop the divorce papers on my way out - he wouldn’t get any more energy from me.

is it a love worth saving? Why are you bothering? He’s disrespecting the marriage over and over. Don’t confront him, she’d love that you fought over it. Just get your affairs in order, contact a divorce lawyer, and tell him to move to the flat full time. Be the one to leave him because otherwise he’ll eventually leave for another woman and that’ll be really annoying after putting up with all his affairs.

Ducks. Row. Lawyer.

I’m sorry OP. She sent it to the house so you would know and see it which is really nasty.

if you are able to forgive affairs, it sounds like you are, then just carry on. I can’t understand that myself as I made it clear to my dp from day one that any sort of cheating ever and we finish instantly, I’ve been cheated on previously.

if not then don’t have a row don’t say anything. But start planning out how you would like your future to be. A little home of your own, how you will cover the bills and so on. Then when you are ready in your mind actually move yourself on to that life. You move out, file for a divorce and never have to see or speak to the cheat again.

Whether they are having an affair or not, get your ducks in a row.
He has already had affairs, he lies to you, you can't bring up concerning behaviour without him blowing up. He's already working away 3 to 4 nights. Make it 7 nights.

Well you could confront him (he will lie), contact a good solicitor to ensure he remains in his little flat, or continue to turn a blind eye as you have until now 3 choices really I think

Just to add if you choose option 2 the solicitor for God's sake do not tell him or charge it to a card he might see.

Why are you with someone who works away and has affairs and lies to you about meeting other women..why is being single worse than this? My friends husband works in africa 50% of the time he is 100% unfaithful he has player tattooed on his forhead, she cant cope without him she posts all over her social media i cant live without him, he is my world, he is my reason for living....you deserve better..

No, YOU are trying. He is not.

I think that when you write 'affairs' it is time to ask yourself why you value yourself so little. He's not going to change unfortunately. One affair, with hard work and total commitment on his behalf to put things right I could almost understand you staying but more than one?

I honestly think it's time to ask yourself what he brings to your relationship because feeling like this right now is just not right. Nor is being afraid to talk to him about this woman for fear of a 'massive argument'.

Be kinder to yourself OP.