Page 8 | AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

Amira83 · 21/04/2026 17:01

Even though you dont mind, him spending time in his own flat in another city for work 3 or 4 nights a week would signal he has someone else on the side. Maybe / or maybe not her but definitely someone. Im surprised how you feel totally fine about that. If there is any disconnect with your relationship that is a time when these things happen, and him being away consistently for 3- 4 nights a week would cause a disconnect between you both..

Ophir · 21/04/2026 17:03

Get organised for divorce. See a solicitor and get things moving, no point confronting him

Livpool · 21/04/2026 17:41

Even without this issue why are you with a man who has disrespected you so much?!

They are obviously fucking each other in his bachelor pad - she wants you to know so sent the card. Why didn’t she send it to his other address? Why did he hide it?!

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/04/2026 17:44

Don't be hurt, be angry. He has cheated on you in the past, more than once, and he continues to spend time with someone who wants to split you up. He has met up with her secretly. Why do you think he's not cheating now?

CheddarCheeseAndCrispSandwich · 21/04/2026 17:58

Oh you poor naive woman!

Of course it’s sex. It’s ALWAYS sex! He has you well and truly duped.

handsdownthebest · 21/04/2026 18:05

I voted YABU because it sounds a bit naive to think that it’s not sex thing.

MMUmum · 21/04/2026 18:13

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:00

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

Apologising for giving him her cold? She wants you to know they had met up at the very least

MMUmum · 21/04/2026 18:18

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:57

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying. We had a good holiday together in February but I now realise that when we were away he was probably planning this meet up. The OW is engaged to someone else - although no marriage after a few years … so maybe not anymore.
I genuinely think she’s in the friend camp with my husband, but he knows I dislike her for her meddling so kept it a secret.
should I confront him about it? There would be a massive row and I’m not sure I’ve got the bandwidth for that right now.

Have some self respect op, you are worth way more than a serial cheater who you are afraid to confront about his cheating. He's not worth fighting for, be brave and just call time

Perimenopausalmanicmum · 21/04/2026 18:29

Nope, I would hit the roof if I’m honest with you! She clearly sent the card to your home address hoping you would see it. I would make him pick and if he picked her I would be thrilled to get away from a lying cheat, how dare lie!! Sadly it is a sex thing otherwise he would have said something surely?

ForCosyLion · 21/04/2026 18:36

She sent that card to your family home on purpose. What an absolute b.

bitterbuddhist · 21/04/2026 18:36

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:57

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying. We had a good holiday together in February but I now realise that when we were away he was probably planning this meet up. The OW is engaged to someone else - although no marriage after a few years … so maybe not anymore.
I genuinely think she’s in the friend camp with my husband, but he knows I dislike her for her meddling so kept it a secret.
should I confront him about it? There would be a massive row and I’m not sure I’ve got the bandwidth for that right now.

Don't shag him until you know, OP. STDs are still a thing.

I read this article and jumped

https://people.com/woman-diagnosed-with-vulvar-cervical-anal-cancer-after-learning-her-husband-of-30-years-had-cheated-on-her-11943715

JLou08 · 21/04/2026 18:37

I'd be more worried about her advocating for him to leave you. I've got male friends, their wives would need to do something awful for me to say they should leave because I know saying that would be really crossing a line and disrespecting their marriage. I wouldn't receive it well if they told me to leave my DH either.

DearDenimEagle · 21/04/2026 18:47

He has had affairs…he will keep on having affairs. You need to get tested periodically for STIs if you’re going to stay with him.

Why are you upset about this secret visitor? He obviously has had a string of secret visitors..I don’t imagine he announced them all to you.
She sends a card because she wants you to know and to dump him so she gets him to herself…but she won’t get that, will she? He’s not going to stop Tomcatting about just because he has her.
They deserve each other.
Id have thought you deserved better.
You only have one life, and one day , you will look back and regret wasting so many of your best years on a cheating creep. Don’t ask me how I know.

Those years can’t be got back.

NormasArse · 21/04/2026 18:49

Ophir · 21/04/2026 08:06

It’s obviously a sex thing

Of course you’re hurt, your husband is away with another woman. It’s rubbish. I’ve been there

It’s not obviously a sex thing at all.

DearDenimEagle · 21/04/2026 18:50

Oh..and I had to have a total hysterectomy after being married to him 20 years . I met him when I was 18. I blame him

NormasArse · 21/04/2026 18:51

JLou08 · 21/04/2026 18:37

I'd be more worried about her advocating for him to leave you. I've got male friends, their wives would need to do something awful for me to say they should leave because I know saying that would be really crossing a line and disrespecting their marriage. I wouldn't receive it well if they told me to leave my DH either.

I agree.

JJMama · 21/04/2026 18:57

Of course it’s a sex thing! Don’t be naive!

diddl · 21/04/2026 19:07

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying.

Why are you trying?

MaddestGranny · 21/04/2026 19:33

dear OP, you sound really nice. He sounds awful.
Do as other PPs have suggested: "get your ducks in a row"; don't confront him, it's pointless, he'll only lie; organise your plans for your future life, get your supporters in place. Then act and go forward into a better future.
Nice people like you deserve a better life than this "W-nker" can offer.
There's a better future ahead. All the very best of good luck. xxx

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 21/04/2026 19:35

How do you trust that it's not a sex thing when:

He's cheated before.

Keeps secrets about her/card.

Continues a friendship with someone who wants to break up his marriage.

Has private one on one time with a woman who despises you.

He is treating you how you allow him to.

Confronting will end in lies and gaslighting that you don't need.

This man isn't putting you forst, it's up to you to put yourself first.

Willyoujust · 21/04/2026 19:47

This is the sort of thing I would consider divorce over. He is lying to you so the trust has been broken.

bakebeans · 21/04/2026 19:53

She went to see him secretly at his flat but sent the card to the house in the hope it would find its way to you which it clearly did.
shes advocating him to leave you
This smells affair for me.

Mummyof2andthatsenough · 21/04/2026 20:01

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:00

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

So why on earth would he stay friends with a woman that is so against his wife? Even if it's not sexual that's a shitty thing to do imo. He can have visitors over any time he likes, it's just that he went to great lengths to keep this one a secret from you. Seems very sus to me.

SnappyQuoter · 21/04/2026 20:02

What are you doing with a man who has had multiple affairs? Nevermind this woman. Get some self respect and leave.

Pistachiocake · 21/04/2026 20:28

Normally I would say people should trust their partners, and I would never ask my husband/flag up if I saw a male friend. But I wouldn't hide it either, and I wouldn't call someone who thought I shouldn't be with him a friend. I know she might be one of those misery loves company types, and if she's upset at being divorced, I get having some sympathy for her-but this, no.
I wouldn't necessarily say he's cheating, but this is one time when it's definitely ok to ask him not to see this particular person again, unless she apologises for all her behaviour.