AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

[TrescoDays]

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

Wonder if he's promised her things and is making a lot of excuses and this is her way to try and speed things up.

Jesus. @TrescoDays what are you holding onto in this marriage, exactly? He’s obviously been cheating on you for a while now.

Oh dear

Your husband is entertaining a female guest in his bachelor crash pad who encourages him to leave you. She's a big fan of the post divorce lifestyle. She send a birthday card to your home that your husband hid from you.

Yeah should be fine OP, nothing to see here..........

Your husband maintains a friendship with someone who advises him to leave his marriage.

There's your main problem he doesnt respectyou and your marriage. Oh and it's sex.

Fucking hell. So, your husband fraternises with a woman who is essentially making you an enemy?

Youve got way bigger problems with your marriage. He needs a major reality check on loyalty and boundaries.

In light of this, yes, it's a sex thing.

I thinkmsome women are very naive wjenit comes to how easily men can have sex with someome else.

They think they couldn't do it, that it would cause all sorts of personal and moral issues for them and assume their partner feels the same. But a lot of men don't have those quandries.

That doesn't mean that all men would do it because some men also don't want to cheat, hurt their partners and are morally better than that. But those men generally aren't entertaining women in secret, hiding cards from their partners or having lunch and making hotel reservations such that their partner feels the need for a PI either.

And even those men could cheat given the right combination of circumstances. It's a choice not to if the situation presents itself.

Ask husband outright if he wants a divorce. If not, ask him to cease contact with his old friend and to give his reason as the fact that she undermines his marriage. Agree to install a door camera on other house, ( or both houses ) accessible for you and DH.

She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me

This is probably the most pertinent part of the OP. How is she doing this and why is this being entertained?
And why does she feel empowered enough to 'tell' you what they're doing?

This is all so dysfunctional and that's without bothering about it being a sex thing.

It is most definitely a 'sex thing'.

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying. We had a good holiday together in February but I now realise that when we were away he was probably planning this meet up. The OW is engaged to someone else - although no marriage after a few years … so maybe not anymore.
I genuinely think she’s in the friend camp with my husband, but he knows I dislike her for her meddling so kept it a secret.
should I confront him about it? There would be a massive row and I’m not sure I’ve got the bandwidth for that right now.

Sending the card to your home was intentionally done to upset you.

Why does she advocate against you and why has she advised your DH to divorce you?

He really needs to stop contact with this marriage wrecker, unless they’re already having an affair, in which case I’d seriously be considering getting my ducks in a row.

She sent the card to the family home for a reason, OP. She's clearly not your friend, but I don't think he is, either.

Time to start getting your ducks in a row, I think.

@FaceIt Jinx!!

They are having an affair,make no mistake. Stop burying you head in the sand. LTB

Your husband has had multiple affairs, he lives in a different city to you and he's been meeting this woman behind your back?

I think it might be a good idea to confront him, yeah.

It's another affair. Very easy with a flat of his own. Up to you whether this is a deal breaker or you jog along as before.

He is having an affair, he has the means and the opportunity and because you have forgiven him before he has the audacity.

Up to you if you want to forgive him again, but it is most definitely a sex thing I'm sorry.

Why bother? If he's had affairs before he will continue, and if you're OK with that fine. If you're not take the steps for seperating.

100% a sex thing and she wants you to know about it.

He’s cheating. Obviously

Your DH is living his best life OP! He has a wife at home who understands and tolerates that DH keeps a flat in the city where he stays when work necessitates this.
He then receives a card from an old friend who happens to be a female divorcee and from your post is clearly trying to breakup your marriage. He secreted the card but she sent it to your home address with the clear intention of you seeing it and dripping the poison!
Confront him OP! IMO he is cheating and you deserve better than to be treated this way!

I wouldn’t bother confronting him. I’d just make sure you had all the bank statements etc. and tell him he can stay in his little flat full time.

I cant even begin to advise you. He is a serial cheat and you are there. Why?

I don’t see the problem here? You’re going to have to drop more details if you want us to understand why you’re suspicious.

'Affairs' .

At this point does it even matter if he was having another affair?

You're still with him so he knows he can get away with it again.