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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

218 replies

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:00

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

OP posts:
SpainToday · 21/04/2026 09:15

ConnieHeart · 21/04/2026 08:27

There was no need for her to mention giving him her sick bug so she obviously wanted you to see what she'd written

Absolutely this. You need to discuss this with your DH ASAP.

ClaredeBear · 21/04/2026 09:15

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 21/04/2026 09:12

I wouldn’t bother confronting him. I’d just make sure you had all the bank statements etc. and tell him he can stay in his little flat full time.

This. It’s way past anything else.

CarsairsItReallyDoesHurtMeGirlNsoull · 21/04/2026 09:15

Sskka · 21/04/2026 09:13

I don’t see the problem here? You’re going to have to drop more details if you want us to understand why you’re suspicious.

Are you joking?
He's a serial cheat.

Laiste · 21/04/2026 09:16

I wouldn't confront him.

Just contact a good family solicitor and get the ball rolling on a divorce.

Have some dignity OP. He's a shit husband and life's short. This isn't a dress rehearsal. Leave him and put it all behind you x

DuckyDolittle · 21/04/2026 09:16

He has a history of cheating. Whether or not this particular instance is an affair, he is not acting in the best interest of your marriage by arranging secret meetings with women in his other home. He should be committed to building your trust after his affairs, not continuing to act in a way to undermine it. Whethwr or not this is an affair, you are right to be angry because it shows no commitment to your relationship and that he continues to feel comfortable with lying, concealing and deceiving.

OriginalSkang · 21/04/2026 09:16

TrescoDays · 21/04/2026 08:57

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying. We had a good holiday together in February but I now realise that when we were away he was probably planning this meet up. The OW is engaged to someone else - although no marriage after a few years … so maybe not anymore.
I genuinely think she’s in the friend camp with my husband, but he knows I dislike her for her meddling so kept it a secret.
should I confront him about it? There would be a massive row and I’m not sure I’ve got the bandwidth for that right now.

I initially thought that it was most definitely a sex thing. Given your update - why on earth was 'a sex thing' not your initial thought? The mind boggles!

Surely this won't cause a massive row so much as just cause you to end your marriage?

moderate · 21/04/2026 09:17

He’s having another affair. You just need to decide whether you’re going to overlook this one too.

OriginalSkang · 21/04/2026 09:17

I agree that you don't need to confront him at all - just divorce him!

Yowsers · 21/04/2026 09:18

She's hinting that shes given him her cold by close contact. She's sent the card to cause a rift. He's being dishonest by hiding the card and also having her over to his flat. He's had affairs and your relationship is rocky. Sorry but it's not looking good.

Did he tell you that she said you too should divorce? And if so, why did he tell you? He likes a bit if drama. Do you trust him? Esp after having affairs in the plural. He knows you'll forgive him maybe? Even if they're not having an affair, she's trying to come between you. And sadly it's working.

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2026 09:18

How do you know she wants him to divorce you? Did he tell you this? Surely whatever was said in that conversation informs your answer here.

Applecup · 21/04/2026 09:18

Ask yourself whether he makes you more happy or unhappy. If it is the latter then walk away. Life isn't worth it.

nochance17 · 21/04/2026 09:18

It is a sex thing do you think they are just having a cup of tea ? I think she is feeling emboldened by the affair which is why she sent the card to your home to let you and him know she now has some power over your relationship. The fact that he hid it says it all. She’s trying to force the affair into the open, maybe he is dragging his feet. He doesn’t respect you and needs to stop seeing her even as a friend or otherwise leave as she is sabotaging your marriage. Pack his bags for him & tell him not to come home, at least he has somewhere else to go. That might put it all into perspective and make him decide what his priorities are but if not, he will probably leave anyway. And do you want him after this ?

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/04/2026 09:19

ProudAmberTurtle · 21/04/2026 09:05

Your husband has had multiple affairs, he lives in a different city to you and he's been meeting this woman behind your back?

I think it might be a good idea to confront him, yeah.

Is it even worth confronting? Hes happy with having affairs but of course lies to his wife about them and has no interest in saving the marriage.

FaceIt · 21/04/2026 09:19

@TrescoDays
Just seen your update.
I don’t think they are necessarily having an affair. I’ve known a couple of really nasty women in my lifetime who have had an intensive dislike for the female partner/wife and they have intentionally tried to destroy the partner/wife by cleverly dripping the poison.

I wouldn’t speak to him about it, but I would keep an eye on things and observe him. Can you access his phone for example?

Given his past, I would give it a maximum of a year and then make my decision.

The problem with cheaters/liars is, can you ever trust them again, and even if you can, you don’t ever know that you actually can.

I’ve known lots of cheaters over the years and only 2 were one offs and never did it again.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do 💐

CarbootJunction · 21/04/2026 09:20

You've hung on all this time, through the hurt and betrayal. I wouldn't let this woman win over all the others, on principle. Wait until she's married, then LTB.

Sassylovesbooks · 21/04/2026 09:20

How do you know this woman advocates against you? Is this what your husband has told you? If your husband has had affairs in the past, then it's highly likely that he's involved with this woman sexually.

She knows the address of the flat that your husband stays in, yet she chose to send a card to his home address. If she'd wanted to keep their liaisons secret, wouldn't it have made more sense to send the card to the flat?? In my mind, she deliberately sent the card to the family home, and deliberately wrote the message inside, so you'd know she'd visited him at the flat (probably regularly).

Why does she want you know....well it's not out the kindness of her heart is it!! She's the OW, who's probably been having a relationship with your husband, and is desperate for him to leave you! So she thought, she'd give you a prod, in the hope you throw him out, and therefore pushes him to do what she wants.

Yes, you need to confront your husband. However, at the moment he isn't aware that you've found the card. You need to have a very long think about what you want going forward. Your husband is a cheat, it's very clear he isn't going to change his ways. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man, who doesn't love you and has zero respect for you?? Do you want to spend it, constantly wondering if he's lying to you, what he's doing, where he is?? It will eat you up inside.

Personally, I'd be gathering as many financial documents, I could find and seeking legal advice. Once armed with that advice or possibly divorce papers, I would confront him.

You deserve much better than your husband, he's an arse.

H3342 · 21/04/2026 09:22

He "hid it in a drawer" rather than throwing it out? Is he 5? He sounds like my kids when they were that age and thought hiding something in a cupboard would mean I would never see it 🙄

What a loser. He wanted you to find it,

Wowisthisit · 21/04/2026 09:22

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/04/2026 09:19

Is it even worth confronting? Hes happy with having affairs but of course lies to his wife about them and has no interest in saving the marriage.

Agree. I wouldn't bother wasting any more energy.

Gardenquestion22 · 21/04/2026 09:22

He has a whole other life without you. She sent that to your home for a reason. Either you are happy with all this - or leave him. Don't get upset about it unless you are going to do something to change things.

PinkyFlamingo · 21/04/2026 09:22

You havent said why you think it's not a "sex thing"?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/04/2026 09:24

He’s had affairs?! Unbelievable. He’s not going to change and is walking all over you, having his cake and eating it. More fool you.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 21/04/2026 09:25

PinkyFlamingo · 21/04/2026 09:22

You havent said why you think it's not a "sex thing"?

They’re hardly sitting playing scrabble are they? Maybe naked scrabble.

Ali1262 · 21/04/2026 09:26

I very rarely say this but you need to ltb. I understand you wanting to try and save your marriage after the first affair, i couldnt do it personally but i understand some can, but you said he has had affairs so more than 1. Not to be harsh but he has no respect for you as his wife, you deserve someone who will respect you and your marriage. She has clearly sent that card so you found out about her as she has probably had enough of being the secret and to rub your nose in it. So my advice is LTB and find someone who loves and wants only you. You deserve so much more than this

itwasyourshowallalong · 21/04/2026 09:27

If you don’t have the bandwidth then don’t confront him

Just very quietly get your ducks in a row and LTB

FlyingApple · 21/04/2026 09:27

Of course it's a sex thing

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