AIBU to be hurt that my husband had a secret visitor?

[TrescoDays]

My husband works in another city and has a flat there. He’s usually gone three to four nights a week. I really don’t mind.
It was his birthday and he had a card from an old old friend from uni. She advocates against me and has advised my husband to leave me. She is divorced and a big fan of the post divorce life. We are clearly not friends. From her card - posted to the family home not his flat- it transpires that she has been to see him in the other city and she apologises for giving him her cold bug. He hid the card immediately but I found it in a drawer. I don’t think it’s a sex thing - but AIBU to think this is not ok that she visited in secret? I haven’t confronted him.

Restore your faith in yourself, your self-respect, your self-esteem as the marriage is over. Tell him to live at the flat full-time and your solicitor will be in touch. We all know that he wants to live the life of a single man so I hope you have children. That way they can cramp his style every weekend.

It’s definitely a sex thing.

OP the only one trying to hold this together is you. If he wanted to hold it together he wouldn't be having multiple affairs, spend half his time elsewhere and be secretly meeting up with another woman who encourages him to split up with you.

She sent that card to your house on purpose. I assume she's insinuating that they kissed and that is how she gave him her cold. If he wants to be with you why would he continue to see someone who is actively trying to break you up? - even if he wasn't sleeping with her which I'd guess he probably is.

The only thing you know for sure OP is that you can't trust him in any way shape or form. Why would you want to be married to someone like that?

You are trying. Whether he is, is debatable and she is clearly trying to split you up.

The man has had affairs, isn't present at home for half the time and is actively hiding things from you while you're "trying" to keep your relationship going.
He's maintained a relationship with someone who actively encourages him to leave you, and done so in secret.

You cannot trust your husband.
He's betraying you, even if it's not currently with his penis (which it probably is).
LEAVE THE BASTARD.

I would necessarily assume its sex if he knows you dislike her. He may be hiding the friendship in order to avoid any drama in his mind.

However, either way this is still part of a bigger picture from your update.

If my husband had had affairs in the past then I'm sorry to say secrecy would be a thing of the past. I'd expect absolute transparency from him where he's going, who he's meeting and why, phone left out and about for me to access if I so chose (though I'd try not to unless I had reason). If he's had affairs then it is his responsibility to rebuild your trust by any means necessary if he wants to continue the marriage. So if he's continuing to lie to you, to sneak around behind your back and to invite people into your lives who he knows have form for destabilising your marriage then that alone for me would be enough. He's showing you that while he may not be actively shagging someone, he's still participating in all the other behaviours that lead to affairs. All of the same behaviours that hurt you deeply in the past and that jeopardised the marriage you are both meant to be working on. That in itself is a huge betrayal and I personally think on that grounds alone you have enough reason to leave. You cannot fix your marriage alone, he's either in or he's out and it sounds like he has one foot in both camps and op that's not enough. You deserve a man with two feet in.

I’m not usually an immediate LTB supporter. But in this case, please do.

He doesn’t love you, he barely cares does he? If this man was genuinely trying to repair all the wrongdoings he has done, he wouldn’t be inviting her to his flat would he? What do you think they were doing in his flat, where he stays, on his own? Come on.

It’s very naive to assume that they aren’t having sex.
He’s had multiple affairs.
He has his own place.
He’s not said that she’s visited.
She is against your relationship.
She wanted you to see it.

Why would you trust either of them?

OP he's had affairs and is still lying to you and meeting a woman you hate (don't be so sure its not sexual) in his seperate flat, he has massively breached your trust yet again! I think you should get your ducks in a row quite frankly never mind just confronting him as he'll just gas light you.

Tell him to fuck right off once you have your affairs in order and a solicitor in hand, the lying cheating cunt.

I do hope you have the ability to leave OP. Xx

The writing is so clearly on the wall.

Don’t be naive, OP. He’s had affairs before and now he’s secretly meeting a woman in another city who is sending correspondence to an address where you are expected to be able to intercept it, then he’s hiding the correspondence. Of course he’s having another affair. What on earth here strikes you as an honest and transparent friendship?!

Yes I think why were joking

No it’s bloody not. FFS.

Long term relationships can survive affairs and living separately for lengthy periods, so long as there's an underlying respect for each other and kindness on both sides. What they can't survive is ongoing secrecy, lack of connection and one person taking advantage of the other, with no attempt to repair mistakes. Your fear that saying anything would result in a massive argument is more worrying to me than whether or not he sees this woman and whether they have had sex. Your 'D'H should be bending over backwards to reassure you after serial cheating already.

This must be so hard to read @TrescoDays . Get yourself some therapy, get all documents in a safe place and then see if you can do what you need to do.

Everyone says life's too short for whatever. They are wrong. Life is too long to spend it being screwed over by the man who's supposed to put you first.

They are communicating, he told her when he would be there, he set up a date & time, she may even have a key. They also surely went for dinner.
There is such a long line of lying & hiding, that sex really isn't the biggest issue.
The issue is he lies. Over & over & over.
Is this the person you want to be? worried, uneasy, double doubting?
sounds like he has a good job. You will be fine, LTB, but for now, keep your cards close to your chest. get organised, get the paperwork, pension, bank account, savings, life insurance. Get yourself good Legal representation then drop the divorce paperwork through his flat's letterbox

Your husband has already gone behind your back multiple times by sleeping with other women and hes now had a secret meet up with a woman who is actively encouraging him to leave you. You should of ended it with him after the first affair but each to their own, but hes once again completely shat all over any respect for you by meeting her and lying to you. Its well overdo but you need to have some self respect and end this marriage now. You need to realise he will never change and that you deserve so much better than this twat.

One night stand is instant divorce imo no ifs buts or sorry it won't happen again.
Not interested in excuses, apologies, no my fault, and the worst one 'it just happened' that can really jog off.
When my ex gave the merest hint sniffing around like a dirty mongrel I found him groping the local bike she was VERY popular with the men for all the wrong reasons.
He didn't want a divorce, full of excuses, full of sorrys. He was packed off.
I don't tolerate idiots no matter who they are.

Yes he has had affairs and we are barely holding it together. But we are trying

Sorry but he is NOT trying.

Here’s what him trying would look like. He would not be meeting up with women while away, especially ones who advocate divorce. He would not be hiding things from you. He would call you every evening he is away, to reassure you, given his past affairs. He would be seriously looking at moving to a different job where he doesn’t have to work away.

In what way do you think he is trying??

Life can't be too long, noone knows when their time is up unless you have a crystal ball.🙄

You are trying?

Well, he clearly isn't.

Trying to repair a frayed marriage involves real commitment, honesty and care.

Even if it isn't a sex thing (it is) he is lying by omission, not taking your feelings seriously and going his own sweet way without giving a damn about you.

That is not trying.

And you can't even talk to his about this obvious lie without fear of him turning on you in a 'massive row'

She sounds absolutely toxic. What kind of friend 'advocates against someone's spouse unless that spouse is abusive or unfaithful or something?

@TrescoDays

I expect she gave him more than a cold. He's seeing her in secret, she thinks he should leave you and he's had affairs in the past. Any husband worth his salt would not be cosying up to a woman who hates his wife's guts. Your marriage doesn't sound happy or sustainable OP. Time for some serious action.

What?
Not when he has had affairs (plural), sees a woman away from his home without telling his wife, and receives a card from said woman who has been in close enough proximity to give him a cold and then he has been in contact to tell her that....all of which he hides from his wife?

True, not always a sex thing but the context changes the odds.

If she was a friend that he did Samaritans volunteer shifts with and only met him in coffee shops and her birthday card to him said 'have a lovely b'day , I hope TrescoDays spoils you" and he shows it to his wife and puts it on the mantlepiece then yeah...'not always'

If he was trying to work on things he wouldn't be having women over without letting you know, regardless of whether they are fucking or not.
If he was working on things, he wouldn't be hiding the evidence that he had her over.
Etc.

I have been through repairing a marriage after a single affair. It doesn't look like staying away from home multiple times a a week and inviting women over in secret. It looks like absolute transparency and on the rare occasions he has to stay away, frequent communications, inviting me along if I can go. And knowing he had one chance. Any sniff of a repeat, divorce is the next step.

I have said YABU, but mostly because of the repeated affairs.

I feel so sad for the OP. This is a woman whose very self worth is obviously destroyed. Trust me when you are in that position, you will clutch at every straw and will even put up with worse. It’s a life of misery. It comes from placing people on a pedestal who then drop you. Emotionally abusive, psychologically abusive or even plain old philandering partners can make you accept things you will later be astounded by. Especially if you have an unmet need from formative years.

all the “leave him” comments won’t give her the strength to do so. A part of her knows this already but lacks the strength to. And likely has convinced herself it’s all she can get. And maybe hates herself for it. Thus a vicious cycle.

I support women like this all the time to get to the point where they really love themselves and realise they are one in a billion treasure. I was one. That’s why I recognise that it’s not that easy to just “leave him”.
it’ll take something within to get to this point. But boy when she does, if she does, and does some self work and realises just how valuable she is, she will want to go back to her former self and give it a shake. And that new found self love is oddly like a magnet attracting admiration. Until then, we can only be kind and let her know she deserves better. Because she does.

It’s just really sad and my heart aches for her and for every person who is serially cheated on and stays.