AIBU to feel hurt our friendship group went away without us?

[starships]

Aibu to be hurt that the rest of our friendship group have gone away for 2 nights?

so friendship group of 3 couples, always all been there for each other, always invited all couples whenever we have arranged anything even if it wasn’t their cup of tea.

today we’ve been inundated by pictures from 2 of the couples who have gone away for an (expensive) city break to somewhere we love doing stuff that we love. Aibu to feel hurt that we were never asked? I’m genuinely shocked by this.. no issues with friendship at all but this has been planned for some time and no one told us..

just feel hurt that no one asked if we would like to come? a just a week ago they cancelled on us after having something booked for a number of months they all pulled out with various excuses.. seen them since with no issues so we’re a bit perplexed!

thanks all- just wondering if I’m being unreasonable to feel hurt or not?

Read the room.

If we are not invited to something it does not mean we are 'deliberately left out' it just means we were not invited and yes I have zero issues seeing photos of other peoples events because I am a grown up

I said that because I am reading the room. This is what the room looks like to someone who doesn’t get bent out of shape if I’m not invited to everything! Surely it ought to soothe someone who’s worried they’ve done something to offend?

what messages were sent with the photos? Was there any context given? It seems weird and cruel to send photos of an occasion that you were deliberately excluded from. I’d be really upset, OP.

The people who are confused about why anyone would be at all bothered about this are a bit strange if you don’t mind me saying. You’d not be at all curious or confused at previously very close friends contacting you with photos about their lovely holiday together and bluntly telling you in so many words “yeah we didn’t want you there.”?? That’s flabbergasting imho.

I don't think they've read all the OP's responses. They'll now claim that of course they have, but I bet they haven't.

Agree with this - if it was no big deal, why didn’t they mention it in the many meet ups they all had before they went? Why haven’t these individual couples arranged weekends away/trips on their own with the OP, if it’s no big deal?

They knew they were excluding her. And sending the pics directly to her when she knew nothing about a trip they were going on and to which she was not included is really insensitive at best and rather nasty at worst. If I were OP, I’d keep it polite and friendly if invited for coffee etc, but I wouldn’t be arranging to see them myself anymore. And I’d set about making new friends as these ones have behaved rather shabbily.

Loads of opportunities via Meetup apps, community pages on FB etc. It takes a bit of work and can feel daunting, especially when your self-confidence has taken a hammering, but I do think moving beyond these couples is needed now.

I still don't think the OP has the evidence she thinks she has they've never done this before. It doesn't necessarily mean they never want to go away with her and her DP again or that things are shifting.

I do wonder if one of the four just put their foot down and said, why are we lying about this? Why can't we just say from time to time we do things the four of us?

OP - what is the context for the relationship? Was it everyone posting the photos or one main person?

A few years ago, we sort of fell into a three-couple situation - call us A B C, with couple B the ones that brought us together, couple A the other couple, and we are "C". In reality, B and A go way back and share commonalities that we don't with couple A, and the reverse is true. We all did things together from time to time which was great, but somewhere along the way it started to feel like if we were getting together it had to be all three families. In reality, I would have preferred to just get together with couple 'B' on our own and I'd be shocked if couple A didn't also feel weird their longer standing friendship didn't carry that weight too, if that makes sense. I felt sort of shoehorned into a relationship with A. It comes a point where it can be very awkward to reset though.

ED: Not with B on our own ALL of the time, but not having it be assumed it was always the three couples. I'd be mortified if the others felt they couldn't say they were getting together on their own too.

OP - is there any chance that is the case here?

@OVienna I agree but where I have to question it is: if it were no big deal, surely they could have mentioned at any time that they were going away this weekend. I mention up coming weekends away with friends over coffee all the time [just, in passing like, I have to make sure I buy dog food on the way home today so the dog sitters have everything they need at the weekend, or can’t believe I have to spend a day doing laundry and ironing in order to go away for 3 days next week.]

It seems unnatural that supposedly close friends have navigated regular social meet ups together and actively NOT mentioned that they are going away? Much better to have said months ago, ‘you know we and Couple A have known each other since uni, well we always promised ourselves we’d do a trip together back to place X, so we’ve booked something, but before we go we must all book our annual group trip. It was so much fun last year.’

It’s the studied lack of reference to it - and the dismissive reply in the text - that seems to suggest there is something going on in this dynamic.

These are presumably pretty good friends, are you not allowed to show annoyance or upset?

I would be upset too.

Peak mumsnet

behind every issue there has to be a man having an affair!

I think the fact that one member of one of the couples really doesn’t get along with another but is going along with it for their spouse, tells you this probably isn’t a smooth sailing situation for anyone involved - other than possibly two of the men/women. It’s going to be awkward for everyone on the trip, it’s awkward for you, they know it’s awkward for you.

Honestly I would just leave it. This group of friends isn’t the easy friendship group you have this far thought it is. There’s stuff bubbling under the surface you don’t know about. And these situations never end well! I suggest staying polite and friendly and continuing to meet up, but just readjusting your evaluation of the depth and quality of all the friendships.

I beg to differ, this for me is the peak Mumsnet right here…someone at a total loss to see why anyone would be bothered

Bikergran · Today 08:35
Honestly, I'm flabbergasted by most if the comments on this thread. What are you all, 12 years old? Do you all go around in cosy little cliques? FFS, maybe these prople wanted a change. Maybe they want out of this weird little group. Just book a fabulous holiday on your own, if you're so wealthy!

I'm flabbergasted you guys are flabbergasted lol

I'm speculating entirely but I wonder if one or more of them did want to but were overruled and then just went for the social media post to rip the bandaid off, so to speak.

I agree totally the communication and situation more generally is very odd.

I don't feel like I know enough to judge if it's malicious.

I can see why she's hurt.

I think it's awful I wouldn't do that. I think they don't value your friendship
Time to find new friends

I think posters who don't understand why the OP is hurt are completely lacking in empathy.

Isn't it all down to expectations? if your closest friends always include you in activities, trips etc can you not understand why you wouldn't feel hurt at suddenly being excluded?

These people also cancelled on the OP recently so clearly, something is going on.

DH and I socialise with a few couples, sometimes all at once and sometimes with just one couple, but no-one gets upset because that is the norm. We don't always socialise with the same few couples all the time so there are no expectations to disappoint anyone.

Exactly.

I'm wondering if OP or her husband said something that was taken completely the wrong way.

Or if there are political differences that an off-the-cuff remark revealed?

Or, if OP and her husband have something that the others don't, something that money can't buy. An example could be children who are doing well in school whereas the others' kids are struggling. Or maybe OP has a first grandchild and the others are desperate for them but have no prospects. (Not sure what age OP is.)

There will be something, but the trouble with people doing the slow fade on you is that you'll never know. What a pity that they can't just communicate, if OP or her husband have indeed done something "wrong".

Omg, maybe the other couple are swinging with each other!! OP did say it was an unusually luxurious break for them. 😱🤭

OP, you might never know, but if it's eating you up, you'll just have to ask outright if you or DH have done anything wrong. They probably won't tell you, and if so, who needs friends who do this to you anyway.

I know I’m sensitive so I would be extremely hurt and puzzled by this.
There’s no excuse really unless you have had trips with just one of the couples in the past.
You can either carry on as normal or rethink this friendship and begin to nurture other friendships.

How much do you contribute to making plans for the group? Amongst my friendship group, most generally do contribute but others don’t. The ones that don’t can from time-to-time get left out/behind, I’m not responsible for organising their social lives

Lol

I would be going away with other friends and posting pictures of those.
In conversations with any of these four, if asked about plans/ "what are you guys up to on x", I would reply with an airy "ah, out with friends".
If they say "who"- do not tell them! "Ah you don't know them- friends of ours from x."
Indifference is the best revenge.

You have to ask why they didnt incude you

ypu obviously offended them

I suspect this or they felt guilty so close to the departure date.

I’d ask face to face - ‘have we offended you? Please please do say as I’d like to sort it out, if so’

‘no no all great’

’ok, then, just as a matter of interest, was there a reason you did the trip for four and not six?’

I have no idea what to suggest.

I would be hurt too. just carry on being friends for now and see how things pan out, you don’t want to lose special people from your life.

I’ve had an ongoing ‘issue’ with my closest friend, since school. 40years best friends. friend has issue, not me I hasten to add. examples being friend cancelling a birthday visit to see me, us having a slight fall out via messages when I saved up for a break for us and she was rude to me so we never went, friend being invited to mine with 8 dates given for a year all not ok never came.

So basically will only see me if I go there , I live in a different part of the country, and whilst there if I only see them on a set day at a set time. Last time they were three hours late getting to us, we were a five minute drive away, and then didn’t want to do anything. Another time I went to home town whilst on holiday staying elsewhere when they weren’t free. I am allowed. and they were upset afterwards so in same holiday we had to go back to hometown to see friend….got there she left half an hour later. All very awful and it’s effected me badly.

I think I’m finally over it but then there’s another thing. A fortnight ago I was sent photos of her on holiday with another friend I know and some others. She told me it’s a holiday with all of her closest friends she had invited, like I don’t count as I wasn’t invited.

so I’m telling you this as you don’t want to end up like this, give them all some more chances to try to find out what’s happened. But if it continues protect yourself and stop being friends.