AIBU to feel hurt our friendship group went away without us?

[starships]

Aibu to be hurt that the rest of our friendship group have gone away for 2 nights?

so friendship group of 3 couples, always all been there for each other, always invited all couples whenever we have arranged anything even if it wasn’t their cup of tea.

today we’ve been inundated by pictures from 2 of the couples who have gone away for an (expensive) city break to somewhere we love doing stuff that we love. Aibu to feel hurt that we were never asked? I’m genuinely shocked by this.. no issues with friendship at all but this has been planned for some time and no one told us..

just feel hurt that no one asked if we would like to come? a just a week ago they cancelled on us after having something booked for a number of months they all pulled out with various excuses.. seen them since with no issues so we’re a bit perplexed!

thanks all- just wondering if I’m being unreasonable to feel hurt or not?

Sorry to say this but for whatever reason the four are becoming closer friends and you're the third optional couple. Cancelling on you and then no invite to this week-end is a big message. It depends on the nature of the relationship as to what you do but as you've reached out and they've batted it back in quite a tough kind of way, I'm actually thinking maybe these friendships were more about good times rather than depth or warmth? I personally wouldn't chase at all now, keep it civil - I'd be focusing on making friends with couples who value you a bit more.

Doing everything as three couples is as claustrophobic as doing everything with one's own spouse. Variety is the spice of life, and we all need different people for different reasons. You don't need to lose these friends, but you probably need a wider circle.

When you saw them very recently for dinner did you chat about what you’re doing this weekend, holiday plans etc?

I would bin them all off. I honestly could not be arsed with this type of shite in my life. Sorry op. Sending love.

I hope you're ignoring their holiday snaps!

I'm autistic so I'm oblivious when people are trying to ice me out (well until they have to tell me to me face) and get horribly upset when unintentionally left out. Whatever.

You mention there's some disharmony in the group. That one person really doesn't like another person's spouse? There's that old saying about if they'll disparage others in front of you, they'll do the same behind your back.

In your shoes I might focus more on other friends or doing things as a couple for a while, especially since they recently cancelled on a long planned event you organised recently. Sounds like this friendship group isn't as evenly balanced as you thought.

I would be really hurt by this and I think it’s odd when other people say it wouldn’t bother them.
Its quite a deliberate arrangement not just a random last minute bump into each other thing so there’s definitely something else behind it.
I don’t think you should hide your hurt, I don’t think being pass agg is the way to go but just genuinely honest as surely if it’s a proper friendship then you should be able to.
I also would pull back a bit and develop some other friendships elsewhere because in my experience after something like this happens there’s just a little bit less trust and the rot can set in.

Two couples who don't spend money easily don't want a couple who do spend money easily on holiday with them?

The rejection is tough, but maybe understandable if they still seem friendly now they've got back.

I would be very hurt, though. YANBU

It seems to me that they knew exactly what they were doing and you need to ask them why. Be prepared to hear the truth.
Gloss over the situation and you're accepting this as a precedent so you need to deal with it now.

Is there something you or hubs are doing that pissing the others off? I was once part of 3 friends and me and the other friend really wanted to visit a certain place but every time we suggested it the third friend changed the plans/ said she didn’t want to do that and we ended up doing what she wanted. In the end we arranged the trip without her however we didn’t post it on social media or rub her face in it however she found out accidentally from the second friends son and she got really pissy with us even when we explained that we’d suggested it several times and she didn’t want to go she still thought we shouldn’t have gone as she didn’t want to 🙄
I’ve since found out she did the same across another group of friends regarding holidays. I just wonder if something similar has happened here? Generally if everyone gets on really well and there are no problems then you wouldn’t have been left out?

Hi OP did both couples cancel on you last minute at your dinner beforehand? If so I'd be very wary about trusting the group again, I'd assume the cancellation was discussed and agreed between them. I don't think you'll get to the bottom of it. It sounds like they have a separate WhatsApp group

It's horrible that they're doing this and not being up front about it or telling you the truth. But now they've done it a couple of times they will continue to do it, now you've become a group that do things separately.

Are there any stronger friendships within the group and does anyone meet up individually ,(eg does your husband ever see any of the other husbands?) If so it might be better to ask what's going on face to face. Do you think there is a ringleader?

I'd also have a think if anything has changed that could be bothering one of rhe group. For instance, have one of you started taking weight loss drugs, or got into the gym and keeps going on about it more than you realise? Has everyone else stopped drinking as much but you're both still drinking too much like you did when younger and its embarrassing for them? Are your kids notably more or less successful than theirs and you're talking about it a lot making them uncomfortable? Do you or your husband hold strong political views that clash with their views [pr similar eg anti vax or consipracy)?

Hard to know. I would just ask direct why you werent included. Would match the friendship efforts going forward

I have a similar set up with 2 other couples OP. And no, we absolutely wouldn’t invite one couple and not the other. It’s been this way for years. Could you call the one of the four you feel closest to and be really honest about it with them?

I think this is very on point - I have a group of friends via NCT that was very much about kids camping holidays, girls’ weekends/shopping trips, boys’ rugby trips and reciprocal help with kids school/clubs. We had some lovely parties and trips away.

However, as the kids grew up and changed schools we all drifted and I realised in lockdown that our relationships were really only surface deep and all about who could bring their kids and some wine/have the kids to make this holiday or that weekend away feasible/easier. They weren’t people I felt would be there for me in a real emergency or really that close.

But I think this is not uncommon - where couples now both work long hours, live away from family etc, I think many friendships are transactional and not as deep as they once were because people simply don’t have the time. This is fine, if you understand this from the outset, which I kind of know now.

Maybe there’s a reason they wanted to go away just the 4 of them, swingers maybe it was a treat from one couple to the other maybe because they don’t have much money the more well off
couple invited them to stay in a room they had spare in their air BnB. That said I’d feel exactly how you do and I’d probably be very upset and angry. Maybe you maturely just need to say you’re sad you weren’t invited. They obviously think they aren’t in the wrong, but it seems strange it’s not been mentioned before if you spend so much time together!

Have read all of the OPs posts.

It might not be the first time they've done it at all, it may just be the first time they've shared the photos.

Maybe someone just decided that there was no reason to hide it - it could well be that they/one of them felt it was time to be open.

I don't think you should assume you're being 'edged out.'

How nasty! I'd take it as a signal to cool off significantly. Do you have other good friends? X

I think this is possible too.

It's very tricky to plan holidays when you don't have similar financial expectations.

I'd guess that you or your dh has upset or offended one of them recently and they didn't want you there.If you value the friendship I'd just ask why you've been left out.Id much rather know.

Agree, but there are ways of doing it. It seems a bit OTT to say nothing to the third couple and then purposely send them the holiday photos.

It could be that there was an integral part of the trip that was limited to 4 people (hey my cousin has offered us his 2 bed apartment in Madrid for free while he’s away on holiday). Or that they chose that place because of a gig by an artist that only those two couples express an interest in.

If there’s been no fall out previously id say the four of them came together over a four person opportunity/shared interest like that and didn’t mention it because they didn’t want to make it awkward. But they’ve just made it much more awkward by not inviting you and hence sharing lots of pics. I’d tell them how hurt I am but not hold a grudge

Do you really think that deliberately leaving out one couple then pointedly sending them photos of the trip was an OK thing to do?

Are you always this inconsiderate of your friends feelings?

I’m thinking they sent the photos to save
OP seeing them herself on social media & being upset - so they do know it wasn’t right.
The upfront pretending these are the accepted rules of the group & passing it off as completely normal for this group - this is what we do - is really poor. Like OP never got that memo. It’s kind of gaslighty. They have their reasons for not wanting her there. I don’t think they’ll ever reveal those & I don’t think OP should try to find out or change herself in any ways to be accepted by them again. I think they’ve shown her who they are & that’s her signal to treat them in exactly the same way. By distancing herself.

That's hurtful. :(

Unfortunately, it sounds like you're being maneuvered out of the triangle. It suggests that the other two couples are closer with each other than with you and your partner.
Is there a "lead couple" do you think? And is it the couple who cancelled on you a few weeks ago?

But like others have said, it's much, much easier to arrange things with 2 other people than with 4.
Perhaps the opportunity to go away came up quite quickly, and one couple thought to themselves, "We haven't got time to faff around. Let's invite Ben and Amy, because they are easier to arrange things with than Starships and Mike."

I agree. I can only put it down to a lot of people on Mn struggling with friendships, and defaulting to being about ten and not being invited to their purported best friend’s birthday party.