AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

A strong marriage is surely the root of the whole family. I don't see what else you could of done when you were in bed and your son called out for you, you couldn't of carried on and ignored him. Cancelling going away because your son lost a match is insane to me. He can cry and get over it.
Sounds to me like you're both a little either side of the line in the middle, you're perhaps over empathetic and your husband a little harsh at times so you struggle to meet in it middle.

It would be over my dead body that my children would of gone to boarding school. I watched this years ago and it struck with me. A documentary about children starting boarding school.

Maybe your oldest could toughen up a little bit e with your love and support and living with his parents!!

It sounds like you over compensate for your dh being emotionally unavailable 🤷‍♀️

You both need to find the middle ground.

Can you get him some books about raising kids/boys? To help him understand that a secure attachment and responsive parents when young helps kids be more independent, not the opposite.

Agree with others that the hockey match is ridiculous, the rest sounds like you're in the right.

I wouldn't start boarding before 13 which is quite a long way off for you still. I know on MN boarding=bad but I think it can be fine for the right kid (saying this as a boarding school child myself). I would think this is something you need to discuss and work out together.

That said, I wouldn't have sent mine even if we could have afforded it. I have loved having them around in a way that I missed out on week my own parents.

I don’t understand how you can continue to have sex with a child calling for you.

Theres zero way I’m going to be in the zone if I can a) hear my child and b)worry they could try and walk in at any moment. For me it’s less about “prioritising” and more about settling them down so you can continue to be in the right mood!

Agree.

I have a friend who was always pandering to her kid.

Every tiny bump owchie is kissed and patted, he's then sat down and everything stops. Gets a treat to get over it and more cuddles.

Lovely day outside, no issues, but won't send them out to play or do something productive. Just sit and cuddle for hours as she loves him so much.

Sounds weird when written down, but its the equivalent of those couples who are always entwined, hand holding, stroking each other etc.

Now the lad is turning into a lazy young man and friend "doesn't know where she went wrong"

It can be too much and OP, you're now giving more and more examples for your side, but bet your DH would have more examples too.

The movie thing sounds U, but how many of those incidents have happened?

Enjoyed boarding too.

Also have friends whose kids board. Out of a big mix, one didn't enjoy it and is not flexi.

As long as there's an option to change if they don't like it, then it's fine.

All kids are different and it's not a blanket thing that all won't enjoy it.

I think that ultimately you need to land halfway between the two.

Cuddling your son during a movie - totally normal and telling him he has to sit on his own chair is really sad.

Cancelling a night away because of a lost hockey match - not normal and I can see why your husband is frustrated.

Saying that having no one to hold when you're upset is better - genuinely horrifying to me.

Same for boarding school from 11 unless there's some particular reason driving it.

This is such a sad thread to read. You are doing nothing wrong (okay the hockey loss and the not going away for his birthday was probably not great). But the rest, you just being a good mother is stirring so much resentment in your husband. As others have said you need to address this very carefully, maybe with a therapist who has experience with working with people who went to boarding school. The making a 5 year old sit on another chair because he is jealous is very painful to read. You will turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please your husband at this rate.

As has been said many times on here, the hockey match thing was a huge overreaction BUT I can’t help wondering if your reaction is prompted by his behaviour.

Wanting to pause sex because a child is calling for you is completely natural and he absolutely shouldn’t be guilt tripping you or sulking about this. Wanting his kids to flexi board points to a bit of a mindset which, while not neglectful, is a bit “stiff upper lip”.

Honestly he sounds like a bit of a bellend and I wouldn’t be prioritising a marriage to him over your children.

Relationships are hard communication is key making time for your husband is important doing things just the two of you sometimes to remember that aswell as being parents you are a couple aswell if you have the childcare available use it go away together and find the spark again it will do you both the world of good .

A bad relationship with your husband will be more detrimental to your kids than not jumping to their every need.

Maybe, but jumping to the every need of a selfish and maladjusted dickhead at the expense of your children’s needs isn’t a great solution either.

I am suspicious of the argument that you should “prioritise your marriage”. A good man wouldn’t ask anyone to choose between him and his children.

My DH was a boarder too from 8-16yrs old. He’s constantly wanting our 2yr old to ‘toughen up’ and grow-up. He struggles with ‘big feelings’ and hard emotions, but has recently started working on himself and having more understanding and patience. Sounds like your DH is the same?

Children definitely are the priority, but you do need to leave space for eachother and your marriage too. It’s hard to get that balance sometimes. Keep communicating and as you have the option of babysitters, use them. It’s ok to have time for yourselves.

"He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft."

Oh yeah, you're so resilient you're jealous of your own kids mate. Maybe his lack of affection from his parents is why he's so needy for yours.

Yeah foregoing a night out becuase he lost a hockey match is silly. But cuddling your kids, stopping having sex when one is calling for you, is normal behaviour.

I agree with the hockey match thing, but husband is a shooting, boarding school dickhead who wants to 'toughen up' his kids, so I'm definitely not team husband.

The stopping having sex to go see your child who is calling for you seems normal to me as why would you carry on and ignore it.

The second of cancelling a night away because your son is upset over a hockey match is OTT. Comforting your son fine but cancelling is to much.

Your marriage needs prioritised sometimes and that night it should have been.

DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft.

@BeBusyBlueBee please don't let your children grow up to be like this.

Oops for some reason thought he was 12

The hockey match cancellation thing was OTT and it does suggest you might be being a little bit too child focused apart from the other examples you listed. But overall I would say you are in the right and your husband is the one who is a bit 'tough boy' focused.

The rest sounds normal. Absolutely would never send my child to boarding school. It goes against everything we know about child development and attachment. Even if you do somehow manage to thrive boarding, unless your parents are awful, you'd have done even better at home and attending a very good private.

My ex wasn't attached well with his mother, he was left in another country by her whilst quite young before being reunited. She never ever bonded with him. He too saw aspects of healthy, functional, parental affection and emotional regulation assistance of upset children as 'overly pampering'.

That said, finding the balance between fostering resilience and independence and providing nurturing and care is a balance. You both need to compromise, but he, far more than you. The boarding would be an eternal no for me though.

He expected you to continue having sex knowing your child was calling you? Sending a 5yr old away so he can cuddle you is awful. He does need counselling. The hockey match, that was silly, he does need to toughen up in that respect. I hate sore losers so i’d have cracked on and not pandered to the sulking. No wonder your DH felt pushed out then. The rest, he is wrong.

Not going away after the hockey match was pretty unreasonable on your part although you say he agreed so that's also on him. Him expecting you ignore a five year old who is calling for you is unreasonable on his part. You didn't do anything wrong there.

I'm finding your examples a bit of a stretch tbh. They seem perfectly normal parenting moments and your boys are also still very young.

However the best thing you can do is probably ensure you have regular one on one time with your husband in some way or another. You don't really need to modify your parenting going by the examples.

It's clear he loves them and isn't a bad father by any means, but to actively shift a five year old so he could snuggle you is an odd impulse to have during a family film watching moment. There's so much love in snuggling with a child between both his parents, what a healthy and lovely thing! My husbnd and I had 12 years devoted to just eachother, bliss! But he and we both know that things change when kids come, and we only have the one not three! I'm my husbands best friend too, he only has a small handful of pals nd they all live far away now so I'm no stranger to trying to juggle so feel for you.

My husband and I cuddle watching films in the evening as during the day our toddler would be climbing on and between and around us! Do you both have much time to do that or carve some time out a few times a week? When kids are in bed? It sounds like you're trying to keep a whole household happy and emotionally regulated, but your kids are very much a priority as they should be because they are young and their need to be close to you is natural and instinctive.

Cancelling the night away was unreasonable on your part. However, if your husband keeps trying to force distance between you and your children, at some point he will succeed. No fucking way would I send my children to board because someone else wanted it. Particularly if that someone else already showed a pattern of wanting to freeze the warmth between myself and my children. I think you need to be prepared to separate from your husband if he continues to parent like this. Your 5 year old is too big to cuddle his mum! Ridiculous. Dont let your husband's trauma dictate how you parent your children. Youre the only one who can protect them from it.

With the movie example, I wouldn’t have made the 5yo move seats, I’d have spoke up and said he is fine to sit next to me. Boarding school, yanbu.