AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

We let him and after a while DH said ‘that’s enough now you’re a big boy go sit in your chair’ and he didn’t really want to do that and DH asked him again more stern I guess and he went and sat on his chair sulking. He got over it but DH just wanted him out of the way so he to cuddle me.

This is pretty disturbing.

On the face of it young children take up your time and head space and it is normal for your relationship to not be the front of your mind at this life stage.
However as the mother of 3 grown up boys. They do just leave and their mum is not their priority. I have a good positive relationship with my boys but I am not the centre of their universe and that's ok.
The hockey incident is a classic example. Nothing terrible had happened son was disappointed and trying to figure out his feelings which where big. He needed you to guide him how to do that. And part of that guidance is this feels a big deal, you are disappointed but it isn't something you allow to overwhelm you. So quick debrief help him articulate his feelings and off to Grandma's he goes. You are modelling keeping everything in perspective and that you trust him to manage his feelings.
When you have an eldest who is learning independence and self regulation and a youngest who still needs lots of help to navigate his world it can be really hard to differentiate the support they need.
But it is important to parent the child in front of you they all need different things at different stages. And it doesn't need to be equal to be fair.

Weighing everything up and especially as your dh is a loving involved dad, I’d tread carefully and make him feel he’s being prioritised. That is what is best for your boys.

This!

From reading the shooting situation I wonder if he feels boys should man up and that’s quite an old school view. You sound caring but you both need to find the right balance not just you. You need to consider if you would rather your children attend as day or night borders and stick to it. I think they may struggle at a young age to be away from home as you have put their needs first. I wonder about your needs op because it’s all about husband/boys. He was unfair with the sex situation. I think you overreacted with the night away you could have waited until ds calmed down and went later. Also it is ok to miss a match if grandparents etc are there instead.

Definitely sounds like he's jealous seeing his children get the love, attention and consideration he didn't get.

He wants to toughen him up by sending him to boarding school? That would be a hard no from me, such a red flag.

You have a gentle, quiet sensitive child and the last thing he needs is old fashioned "toughening up" 🚩

You however might need to learn to stand up to your husband and trust your intuition more.

OP, you sound like a lovely mum but your husband has a massive him issue and problem.

He resents his own children having a mother that clearly demonstrates her love for them.

His issue and jealousy of his own children is really toxic.

He needs to get therapy, and fast.

That he wouldn't want more for his own children is awful, and he needs to be challenged firmly on this.

He had a shit lonely childhood and wants similar for his children?

It is so so basic to want more for your children, definitely a better childhood, if yours was challenging.

He doesn't get to dictate how much love you show to them.

He sounds controlling and again needs challenging on this.

If he sours your children's childhood with his jealousy, will you really want to stay married to him?

They are so small and the cuddles evaporate quickly enough.
Don't allow him to inflict his childhood on your mothering.

Therapy, couples counselling should be a non negotiable as you push back.

Good luck.

I would also be hugely concerned he wants boarding school for your children to wrestle back his primacy and get them out of the way.

Hugely concerning and a red flag.
Protect your children from his extremely harmful jealousy.

I am like you on the parenting front and even I wouldn’t have cancelled DH’s birthday weekend away for the hockey match example. Your child wasn’t unwell or in danger!

I remember reading something many years ago and haven’t forgotten! ‘The best thing you can do for your kids is nurture your relationship ie marriage’ as that means you will stay married and evidence shows children do better in a household where parents stay together,

This is very true!

Yes, this struck a note with me. Your DH was "toughened up" at boarding school?
I can see both sides, and I think you were wrong about the hockey match. However, you're going to have to talk about your parenting choices and priorities and come to an agreement.

It’s a story as old as time it becomes us and him
as the kids naturally pull away from you in a few years your marriage will of died

there middle ground with these issues

joining the chorus of others about the hockey match that is setting him up to fail in life

yabu op re the hockey thing
your marriage is important
what happens when your kids grow up and get their own lives??
@BeBusyBlueBee

Everyone keeps saying the husband should get prioritised otherwise once the kids grow up the marriage will be dead like that’s the worst thing ever?

Um, in the autumn of your life with fully grown/flown kids and the headspace to do what you want because you haven’t got some sulky husband in the background? Sounds like bliss to me 😂

He sounds like a classic case of someone carrying trauma from the boarding school experience. He needs counselling to deal with the 'it didn't do me any harm' syndrome and it's effects on your family. He's jealous, wittingly or not, of the affection his own sons are getting from their mother. It sounds a bit woo but he needs to reconnect with his inner child who is still in there suffering from a lack of parental affection, feeling lonely and cast aside and jealous of other kids who he sees as getting petted and pandered to, relative to his experience.

I really don't understand how you were meant to carry on having sex when a child was calling you through the door.

I also think that cancelling your night away because a child was upset at losing a match was a massive overreaction.

So it's not all him. If he feels neglected as a husband, you need to address that and yes, as others have said, they'll be grown up and gone in the blink of an eye, leaving you both rattling around with the rest of your lives to live.

I don't approve of boarding school, not as a concept but in terms of the effects on the psyche of children. It is massively damaging. I get an icky feeling that he's so keen because he wants your kids out of the way so that he can have you all to himself. That really needs addressing.

What's unhealthy and unhelpful here is the eliding of both issues, the effects of his traumatic upbringing impacting his judgement about the degree of affection/attention it is appropriate for his children to receive from their parents, and his feelings of neglect, stemming in most part from his childhood. They should and could be two separate issues.

You need to work together to split them up and address them separately.

I might be projecting but my mum went to boarding school from 6 and she is an emotional desert. Are you overcompensating for your DHs lack of emotional connection? My mum is very jealous of the relationships I have with my kids and husband as she just doesn’t understand how they work. She thinks we don’t have the connection I have with my DC because there is something wrong with me. If she wasn’t my mum I would feel very sorry for her. Boarding School Syndrome is a real thing. You were ridiculous to cancel the hotel though.

Your husband is jealous of his 5 year old son because you were cuddling him a bit too long for his liking. He sounds possessive and needy and is probably looking to you for the affection that he didn't get from his parents. However, in the process, he is treating his sons like his parents treated him. I wonder whether he would have been so jealous if your children were girls.

YABU.

I think that your boys are more like to be gone without a backward glance if your husband continues his competitive behaviour with his own sons, fighting them for your affection.

I bet he's envisaging a time when they are both sent away to boarding school and he can have you completely to himself.

As many have said, the cancelling of the trip because of the hockey match was unnecessary. I can see why he’s annoyed at that.

The rest of it definitely YANBU. Of course you stop having sex if a small child wakes and wants you. What a ridiculous notion of his.

Boarding school - I don’t think children should be sent to board unless they really actively want to or it’s a necessity (forces or something).

You would send a five year old to boarding school to toughen him up? What a horrible parent you must be.

Hmm I've never " snuggled" with anyone watching a film. It would get on my wick bug time having someone constantly touching me

Come on OP! You know that your DH isn't being reasonable. He is jealous of his own children and if you bow to his wishes and stop showing them affection and send them to boarding school, you will have created another generation of fucked up men who will resent their own children and only view the giving and receiving of affection as normal in a sexual relationship.

The hockey match one is wild.
Boarding not so much.

I am really surprised that the majority think YABU and only focusing on cancelled weekend because of the hockey match.

Cancelling the hotel because of the hockey match was the only thing that was OTT. However, why did DH agree to cancelling the weekend? Its not just on OP.

The rest, is just normal parenting. Seeing to your child when they've called for you- are people telling me they would comfortably carrying on having sex for however long with your child either shouting for you or walking in on you?

That they cant have cuddles with their parent?

Yes children grow up and leave, OPs children are still young and need their parents. With the DH attitude, its not a surprise they want OP more then their dad.