AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

This is such a simplistic statement and its so irritating to read people parroting this again and again. Obviously all things being equal a happy marriage is a better foundation for raising children than one characterised by friction. That hardly needs saying.

That argument is being manipulated by the husband (and some posters) to mean: “The husband’s needs should always take priority over those of the children.” I call bullshit.

The needs of the husband and the needs of the children shouldn’t be constantly in tension. The kids do have to learn that they don’t always get to have every whim indulged (as per the hockey thing). But that shouldn’t be used as a figleaf for the husband to be a cold, selfish and unfeeling manchild.

If the husband is constantly telling his wife “he comes first” over the children these interests are not aligned and the OP shouldn’t have to be bending over backwards to accede to every one of his demands “for the sake of the marriage”. Its so manipulative.

So you think that a five year old who wants his mother needs toughening up? Jeez, I don’t wonder how some boys grow up unable to show affection or engage appropriately in relationships. Life is a balance: at the moment, thenDC need their mother, and at five, if a child feels you need him, you let him know you are there for him so he can grow up secure. When they’re teens, they won’t want to be getting in bed with Mummy and Daddy or cuddling up in the sofa.
it sounds to me as though the OP’s DH is in part jealous because his own children are getting the emotional support from their DM that was denied to him at that age. OP, I think all you can do is to reassure your DH that you’re there for him, but point out that five is still well young. And boarding school? A decent private day school will have long hours and lots of after school activities so you’ll be seeing less of your DC anyway. I completely understand your misgivings about boarding school, and unless your DC is keen, I wouldn’t countenance it.

Cancelling the birthday over a lost hockey match was a pretty bad call.

Everything else I can see your point but that was pretty outrageous.

A little less mollycoddling on your part would help far more than boarding. You’re not doing them any favours with your fussing.

Tell you DH it's a hard no on the boarding, but your side of the deal is you'll drop the ludicrous behaviour like cancelling plans because ds lost a game. Your son DOES need to "toughen up" to the point of not making a silly fuss about something like that. He's too old to be acting like a toddler.

Yes, I totally agree with this.

Apart from the hockey match I have a feeling that your husband feels /unknowingly/ like another child, fighting for attention. Of course you dont keep having sex while a small childs needs attention.
Boarding school will not toughten him up. 9 years of age is way too young for a boarding school. There are lots of videos about boarding on YT, and its all very sad.

He spoke with you ,so it’s not like he is not communicating , from your examples imo he is right .
Me and my husband are close in age to yours and you and also have 3 kids and unfortunately not many opportunities to have alone time as our families life far away but if we did cancelling for a lost hockey game would not happen .
Make time for you 2 ! Or you will end up divorced .

You need to feed your marriage or it will die. Have boundaries with the children.
Being a single mum is unbelievable shit I can tell you and nobody else who is decent will take on three kids.
You need to be a solid unit together with your husband in order to be good parents.

Christ, more of this.

“Feed your marriage” = do exactly what he wants and allow him to minimise his children’s wellbeing.

Please don’t do boarding.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

never mind your marriage, you’re doing a huge disservice to your children bringing them up like this.

I think you're both a little bit unreasonable, but some of the things your husband says and does make me cringe.

Not wanting a 5-year old to cuddle up with you on the sofa, the constant refrain of 'you're a big boy', not being comfortable meeting the emotional needs of male children on any level, believing that boys should enjoy shooting and if they don't it's because they've been coddled, wanting to toughen his son up through flexi boarding... MASSIVE red flags regarding masculinity.

I think there are two things going on: he wants to feel valued as a partner and a husband, and he doesn't. Absolutely valid, and yes, you can work on that.

But he's also apparently very emotionally repressed and damaged from his own upbringing. His thoughts and ideas here are outdated, aren't at all healthy and I would honestly not be able to parent with someone that didn't allow me to abundantly love my child in the way that young children should be loved. I think counselling is a great idea for both of you.

Hrtft but from initial posts it sounds like there's a middle ground here.

It sounds like you both had different experiences of being parented growing up and often we default to what our norm was when we become parents ourselves in some capacities. It sounds like that's happening here.

If my 5 yo was calling me I'd absolutely be pausing sex to see what's wrong. Obviously on this occasion he was fine but you had no way to know that until you got there. Being interrupted is really frustrating but it's part of having a young family unfortunately.

Not going away to the hotel I probably wouldn't have done unless your child was severely distressed. So I'm kind of with your dh on that but then he needs to step up. If he's told you he agrees at the time but then blamed you for it later then that's actually a communication issue on his part where he should have said what he thought at the time. Plus if his upbringing was to teach him to deal with things alone and 'suck it up' then he's going to struggle with understanding you wanting to be there to support.

I would never board my child. I also don't get the need to 'toughen up' children. So that's definitely a values difference between you both there. And just because he feels what he feels and thinks what he thinks does not make your opinion wrong.

The shooting again, values based that kids should be grateful for everything. Not all children will enjoy all hobbies and activities. It sounds like he's expecting his kids to be mini me versions of himself and then gets disappointed when they aren't. This combined with the fact it sounds like if you disagree with him he presumes you are wrong, makes him sound quite rigid and stubborn.

If he's finding it this impactful then I'd actually use it as an opportunity for marriage counselling to see if you can find a middle ground and he can start to respect your decisions and be more ready to listen openly and work more as a team with you. And maybe in turn you can relax a little and enjoy the marriage aspect a little more.

A few things that I thought while reading your post and some of the responses -

Resilience does not have to mean rigidity and ‘toughening up’

A strong marriage is a wonderful foundation but as others have said needs to be balanced with all the members of the family

You say you’ve been together a long time -how much affection via your sex life, your tactile life (hugs kisses holding hands etc) and emotional energy like time, love, all those romantic moments etc between couples was your husband happy with pre-kids?

Is he now denying moments of tactile comfort and listening to needs and emotions from you to the children while not giving them much himself? How often is he affectionate and hugs them and so on?

Could you be overcompensating at times like with the hockey match?

And also just generally people often can’t seem to find a balance between perspectives - it’s either oh be emotional and affectionate or tough and resilient - but you can be as I said up top emotional and affectionate AND resilient.

And your husband seems to fundamentally see emotions as weak - but expects you to be very emotionally giving to him - how giving is he back to you ? (Also there’s a big contradiction in what he’s saying - he said words to the effect that not being held never did him any harm - and yet he’s very upset about not getting the physical intimacy he wants form you be it sex or story next to each other in the sofa - and seems to resent your children receiving hugs, so clearly it IS important to him)

Sending your kids away if they don't want to go doesn't 'toughen them up' in any kind of positive way. They might end up emotionally repressed or shutting down, but that's not a positive thing in any way shape or form.

I'd say your DH has been damaged by his own upbringing and so now doesn't know what's emotionally healthy.

It's not possible to be there 'too much' for your kids. Having that secure base is what allows them to feel safe enough to go out and exploring the world. I was certainly a complete helicopter parent, supported DS in every way possible, he's now living away and doing a degree apprenticeship very successfully despite being autistic. My mum believed in toughening up in your teens and being a completely independent adult at 18 and it was a disaster for me, I really needed some support and made all sorts of poor life decisions because I didn't have anyone.

Do what's best for your kids, there'll be plenty of time as they get older to go off just the two of you and do other things.

Sending a 5yo away from the sofa saying "you are a big boy, go and sit in your chair" so that the husband can get his cuddles is revolting. He can sit in his chair himself, HE is the big boy there.

I have a 70yo father who was in a boarding nursery school, aged 3-6, and he has similar sighns of boarding school syndrom, behaving like a 2 yo child, being jealous of his grandson. First time I noticed the child was bliming 6 months old!

I do think you are quite unreasonable. You are due to go away again but what happens if one of your kids is upset, will you cancel again? It's unreasonable to cancel plans just because of a hockey game, I'd have been pissed off.
I. your other example I can see both sides, you didn't know why your son was calling so wanted to check but also I can see why it ruined the mood.
With regards to school I think if you send them as a day pupil to a boarding school they miss out on a lot, are there not any good private day school? More importantly what does your son want to do?

@curlyfriess

I'd say your DH has been damaged by his own upbringing and so now doesn't know what's emotionally healthy.

Exactly. Which is why he doesn’t get to railroad his children’s emotional needs in the name of “resilience”.

H was / is U about boarding school and sex.

You were U to cancel over the hockey.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. Not going away because a child lost a match is really silly. Wanting to toughen a child up is also stupid. And I would say that it's not about prioritizing either children or husband. It's about nurturing both. And the husband should also nurture both children and wife. The problem with not doing so is that when the children have become independent there is often not much of a relationship left between husband and wife. It's then difficult to be that loving couple who want to be together and enjoy each other's company.

This! How ridiculous!

Flexible boarding. It isn’t too bad to stay away for a couple of nights a week.

I was going to say something similar. I don't subscribe to the view that children should come first 100% of the time. If the relationship between parents is never nurtured or prioritised, how is it supposed to stay strong?

Yes I think the OP muddling them all in together is a problem, as it means the really quite worrying behaviour from the “D” H in terms of how he wants to treat the children is getting missed.

OP - you’re really not U about the sex thing or the boarding school. Please don’t think you are!

Unfortunately op everyone is just focusing on the hockey match therefore you’re not getting honest replies here.

Aside from the hockey match which you were being ridiculous, yanbu.

Your husband sounds vile, wanting to continue sex with a child calling for you, saying that he wants his son to go to boarding school to toughen him up, the shooting? Your dh is a dick.

Unfortunately op everyone is just focusing on the hockey match therefore you’re not getting honest replies here

Maybe yes, maybe no. While I definitely don’t agree with some of the things said by the DH, it’s hard to imagine the hockey incident is a one off, complete aberration. It would be far more likely that not only that child, but the other two, may carry on like this constantly about lots of things like this in everyday life. So, 3 kids displaying this behaviour on a routine basis and OP’s way of dealing it would likely be consistent also encouraging and indulging it. You can then start and see why the DH may be at the end of his rope.