AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

It’s obvious your dh wasn’t shown love as a child and was told to man up /not cry /didn’t get cuddles etc esp being sent off to boarding school

you had diff up bringings so he hasn’t been shown how to love as didn’t have any love or comfort himself as a child

i find that really sad and feel for your dh

he needs to be shown that cuddling and being there for your children isn’t a bad thing

Compromise works both ways, he has his short comings, which you keep mentioning but so have you.

It's not about fixing him, it's about fixing your marriage.

I'm sorry but the way I'm reading this is you made a mistake by cancelling the trip. He's opened up and told you how he feels. It's now been twisted into being his all his issues due to his childhood and rather reflect on how to fix it and maybe meet him halfway your making him go to therapy? Crazy.

i don’t see anything wrong with couples therapy and individual therapy. I’d like to meet him half way

This is great, he's obviously willing to work on breaking the cycle to make sure your kids don't get fucked up like he was x

Often former trauma from childhood is re triggered when an adult sees their children at a similar age.

8 is so young to be plucked from the family.
It may suit some, but not many.
Boys are far softer and more dependent at that age than girls, I really cannot imagine it.

I have siblings that boarded at 13 and loved it.
That 5 year difference is huge, and they wanted to go.

I think he may find individual counselling a great release.

This is a really positive step for him. I keep thinking about that sentence from earlier - "He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too" and how sad it is. I think it's not just jealousy that his sons receive the affection he was denied, but there's a huge self-image thing going on - if he admits that his upbringing has shaped him in a certain unhealthy way, he needs to admit that he's not OK now, as an adult, because of it. That's a hard thing for anyone to admit, and I think many men who've been raised in that repressed manner are reluctant to go to therapy precisely because it'll force them to confront this.

FWIW I think there's room for compromise on both sides - like most posters I think you overreacted to your son losing the hockey match. But fundamentally your husband's "toughen them up" approach is the wrong one, and more potentially damaging.

I am not sure I fully agree... The current generation of children have been raised to be totally reliant on external soothing. I don't think we are going to fare well in the next catastrophe as a result. It's increasingly common for young adults to be genuinely astounded that nobody is going to kiss it all better for them and some swim anyway but most seem to react badly.