AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

The marriage is the foundation on which your family is built. Neglect it and the whole thing crumbles. I don't mean that in a religious way (not religious at all) but the relationship/marriage came first and without it your children wouldn't exist. It's the bedrock and it has to be looked after as well as the children.

It's common for the marriage to take a back seat when children arrive of course, but if you let that drag on then cracks will appear. An awful lot of marriages/families break up because the spouses/partners don't take time to prioritise each other.

Nothing wrong with lots of affection . You can give time to your marriage AND give lots of affection to your children

I don’t believe you can show too much affection, personally.

I do, however, believe that you can show too little.

whilst you seem to be a very responsive parent, you do also need to start instilling a sense of autonomy in your children. You could have talked about how tough it felt to lose the game, but it’s not the end of the world. And then handed the kids over to their grandparents.

Remember that the marriage is the foundation for the family unit, and deserves as much nurturing as the children.

it sounds like you are trying so hard… and I commend that! But please take a little step back, allow your children to deal with things by themselves and be there to offer guidance if needed. They are quite resilient when given the space, but will easily learn how to depend on the adult who doesn’t give them space.

(Montessorians are pretty clear about this if you want further reading!)

The hockey thing is bonkers! You should have gone. That decicion is one end of a spectrum.
Wanting to send them to boarding school to toughen them up and wanting a child to want to kill animals are the other end.

Can you not meet in the middle?

Ok, I hadn't seen this example when I replied - he stopped a 5 year old sitting with his mum and cuddling while watching a film so he could sit next to you instead? That's horrible. I still snuggle next to my 10 yo ds watching a film or TV if he wants to (and my 16 yo DD for that matter). It's not normal to be uncomfortable with that I don't think. And putting together the sex thing and you saying he wanted him out of the way so he could cuddle you instead, makes me think by 'being a husband' he just means he wants more sex and physical contact. I'm sure boarding school would be very convenient for him! Yuk.

Don't let anyone tell you you give kids too much affection, especially not when they seem to demand quite a lot of affection themselves!

This is so true. It is not like you still have little babies that need you 24/7 OP. Relationships can starve if they aren't nurtured. If you want a healthy marriage you need to make your husband feel loved, in the same way I would expect to feel loved as a wife.

Don't get distracted with who is winning. The fact DH has communicated this should be a nudge to both work together to get things back on track.

And I am not saying I agree with all of DH's arguments. But that isn't really the point. It is about how he feels about the relationship.

I think he’d be more lenient if they were girls.

Recently our 5 year old has been having horrible sleep, he has a nightmare came to our room. DH and I weren’t asleep we were just talking and cuddling. Our son wanted to get into our bed, DH told him no he needs to sleep in his room. Kept telling him “ you’re a big boy off you go” and DH went to his room with him to help him settle down and came back when he was settled down.

DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft.

This little? The eldest is almost a teenager

He's 4 years away from being a teenager. That's nearly half his life again. No need to rush to the next stage yet!

DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft.

this really is the nub of it. Becoming a parent has stirred difficult feelings about his own childhood. He is jealous of the affection his sons receive. The feelings are your fault because of a problem in your character.

I think you need to try to tease apart what he is actually saying. Obviously that is a very difficult conversation to have and it may be better with a professional. But it is sort of obvious wha the dynamic is.

"He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way" is such a sad sentence.

Interrupting sex because a 5 year old calls you is normal.

Cancelling a night away because a child loses a hockey match is ridiculous.

Sending a child to boarding school to “toughen them up” is child abuse in my opinion.

9 is not 13.
In the same way that 1 is not 5.

You and your H are not on the same page about parenting and raising your children. I don’t think you are favouring your children over your H or your marriage. I feel that is your H perception, as essentially you are and have always been the default parent with regards to parenting and he’s trying to assert himself by pointing the finger rather than being practical. I doubt he feels undervalued when you are taking up his parenting slack.

Your upbringings were different and I think between you, you need to decide on your parenting philosophy. I personally would not be happy with my child being a boarder but I wouldn’t abandon a weekend away because my 9 year old was unhappy with losing a hockey match either. There is a happy medium but you can only reach that if you talk about how you jointly plan to raise your children and that includes their schooling.

I am a single parent but even I had to articulate to myself what my parenting philosophy was. One of my irritations on this site and in IRL are when parents expect children to be x, y and z at a certain age but those principles were never taught or expected of them when they were younger. Nineteen year olds load the dishwasher and separate colours when loading the washing machine because their ten year old selves were taught and were expected to, it isn’t a skill or an attitude that magically kick in at nineteen.

‘Hands on dad’ = ‘parents’

’lets me have a lie in’ = ‘parents on a morning’

Language matters.

That’s heartbreaking about the cuddling! I’m so glad for you that you pulled him up on that. My DS is nearly 11, getting more independent everyday but when he’s feeling tired or emotional he still comes in for a cuddle. Affection sets them up for secure independence in the world, it doesn’t stunt it xx

Over- reaction to your son losing a hockey match. Children have to learn how to accept victory and defeat.

On the basis of your most recent posts I think your dh would probably benefit from some individual counselling too - resilience isn’t built by withholding affection. His view of life seems a little limited by his upbringing/boarding experience (& I say that as someone who full time boarded 8-18).

This is sad. And weird.

Children needing and wanting affection, physical closeness and love is not something you need to jostle them out of. You give them all the hugs, cuddles, snuggles and strokes they want and need and they naturally grow away as teens.

Your dh sounds messed up.

YABU because of the hockey match. No idea why your child was upset past the point of leaving the venue but they need to toughen up if they are to continue in competitive sport, yes even at age 9.

However your husband needs to be aware that for a while he is able to look after himself whilst young children need help with many things including loving affection for years to come.

You and your husband are both at extremes here. You were absolutely ridiculous to cancel a night away because your kid lost a hockey match but everything your husband comes out with is wild too. I think he could do with some counselling tbh but you both need to compromise.

I struggled to vote either way - I don't think YBU to interrupt sex if you're child is calling you or not wanting your child to be a boarder. Nor is it unreasonable for your son to not be interested in shooting!!

But I definitely do think it's unreasonable to cancel a night away as your son lost a hockey match!

On balance I think YABU, sounds like your kids do need to learn some resilience but maybe not in the old-school way your DH wants.

So the 5 year old child is a big boy and needs to go to his own chair but your (adult) husband needs to sit with you and cuddle?! Please see how warped this is.
Your husband desperately needs to get therapy for his lack of parental affection from his parents. You need to be able to cuddle your sons without judgement.
My 10 year old daughter and 8 year old son love to cuddle up at times - sometimes for long periods of times. It is really important for them to be able to do this, as that contact helps ground and regulate them.

Team husband for the hockey match - ridiculous to not go away! Loosing is a favt of life and helps children build resilience, your son should be able to rely on other people for comfort and support as well as you.

The sex thing - team you. Couldn't carry on with child shouting me, what if they came in. Could easily have restarted/carrier on, thats part of the fun no?! 🙈

I think there are both sides at fault here. You can be a good mum and a good wife, as can your husband do both. Yes its exhausting but important to maintain both relationships. As my children get older they can wait, be patient and see that not everything revolves around them, me and my DP have needs too, I think its healthy for children to see a balanced family. Yes you love them with your bones but as they grow they shouldn't feel like they run the house/your free time etc

Christ. @BeBusyBlueBee I stand with your husband, send the kids to boarding school and toughen them up. They show zero resilience and always need mummy from your account. You’re doing no one any favours.