AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

Are you a parent?

"DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft."

OP you need to speak to someone yourself if you think there is anything normal or healthy in a father hating his childrens attachment to their mother, and wanting to be held when they are upset.

That is really messed up.

Part of children growing up is learning to self regulate and as parents we help them do this.

Yes he perhaps over reacted to the loss of the match, but I can understand your difficulty in leaving him so upset.

You will all have learnt from this.

Posters love to become obsessed on a point, and this thread is no different.
The hockey match is only one small thing in a large toxic picture.

I hope for the sake of your childrens emotional safety, you can see that.

I think you need to rebalance, those boys will grown up and then it’s you and you and your DH left. The night away was obviously very important to your DH.

If you know me that is NOT what I mean.
But cancelling time away together just because a child is upset at losing is ridiculous.
You think life as a single parent is better than a happy marriage and family? It isnt.
If a man went out every night and spent zero time with you would you be ok with that?
Every marriage needs couple time to survive.
He is apparently a very hands on dad.
Not a shirker.
Dont treat him like he is the very last person you care about. I wouldng wabt to be treated like that. Thats how my husband treated me so we are divorced.

Oh it's not constant, we rarely have time to watch films anymore and snuggle. Rarity makes it more precious though, also appreciate the "getting on my wick" as a North eastener long away from.there, miss hearing that saying!

I agree about cancelling time after the hockey match, as I have said. But all the other examples here point to a man who is controlling, emotionally repressed and manipulative. He’s jealous of the mother’s bond with her children and thinks they ought to be sent to boarding school to develop “resilience”.

The idea that the OP has to bend over backwards to pander to this to keep her marriage is a blueprint for him to continue to manipulate her.

She can have boundaries with her children without having to assuage the brittle ego of a man who is jealous of them. There’s a middle ground.

I agree. I think DH and I had a tough morning and I just wanted to stay home

I’d get the ick if a grown man was sulking and thinking he deserves more attention and affection than a 5 yr old just because it was withheld for him at that age.

Was that a one off , or do you often/regularly/sometimes use the kids/their needs as an excuse to not do stuff with him?

Not all parents abandon everyone else in their lives to run after the little emperor's every whim

A decade ago my daughter lost a final in a tennis tournament. She was 10 and distraught.
Would we have left her for a booked weekend away? No, not a chance.
My husband nor more than me would have left her. She's also high level hockey.....its a big deal when they lose. They put a lot of training and effort into their sports.
Of course it is upsetting....even at 10!

This whole thread blows my mind. Seeing how many women think we should be centering men, prioritizing marriage above everything, and putting husbands first… it honestly feels medieval. Do none of you notice it’s always men complaining about not getting enough attention? It’s never us. Women aren’t out here begging our partners to focus only on us, most of us would rather our husbands take care of the kids before they “take care” of us. Yet somehow we’re the ones expected to think, compromise, and prioritize their needs. It’s bananas.

A lot of these men clearly didn’t get the emotional support they needed growing up, and now they’re expecting their wives to fill that void. How is that not ridiculous? Like someone already pointed out, the idea that a grown man needs cuddles while a 5 yo is supposed to sit alone is wild.

OP, with all due respect, your husband is not being a perfect dad here. This kind of behavior doesn’t magically improve, it usually escalates as the kids get older, and it will drive you up the wall if you don’t address it now. You really do need to shut this down before it gets worse, because it will get worse.

And for those saying she shouldn’t have canceled the trip just because her son lost the game: you don’t know OP, you don’t know her son, and you have no idea how he reacts to these situations. You can’t judge a parent’s decision without understanding the kid.

There’s a balance to be had.
There are times when you prioritise the children and there are times when you should prioritise your marriage.
The issue with the hockey game does seem ridiculous.

Lol im Essex born and bred. Didn't know was a NE thing

Still wouldn't snuggle anyone really. Would give the kids a cuddle but tbh all of them tolerated that for about 90 seconds nax

@BeBusyBlueBee Put the boarding and shooting aside as they are totally different questions.

Continue with applying this "kids first" safeguarding institutional approach to the home with caution. Viewing the home through the lens of a hierarchy of competing needs, necessarily with the children at the top, and husband at the bottom, does not a happy marriage make.

A loveless, fractured home is far more damaging to a child than losing a hockey match, or being told to wait in his room for ten minutes at night. Keep in mind that some fractures never heal.

Come off it. OP's DH is jealous of the affection and attention she gives to their children. He gets in a mood if she cuddles their five year old for too long as, apparently, it's his turn.

Interrupting sex is 100% reasonable. Who in their right mind could carry on shagging while their young child is calling for them!

The hockey thing was ridiculous. No one wants a bad loser in sport.

No he's creeped out that his wife can't be sexual without snapping into mummy mode (well I would be in his shoes)

How big is YOUR house that a child shouting mummy wouldn't distract you?
I live in a large three storey.
We are the top floor, the children's bedrooms are below us.
It would kill it for me, that's for sure.

Nailed it.

The issue here is you don’t know what kind of day we had.

I’m also trying my best I obviously want him to be well rounded and able handle loses as well as wins. He’s been able to handle them before it’s not every time he loses I cancel things.

Regardless of that I am trying. DH and I are trying we’ve talked, he had an emotionless upbringing essentially all he had was his house master, he boarded from 8 - 18. He’s agreed to go to therapy as of today and we both want the best for our children and our marriage.

This was a one off. DH has been struggling recently. I do regret cancelling as I was looking forward to some time together but we’ve rebooked and we are both looking forward to it.

OP's DH is as needy as his five year old son. Due to his crappy upbringing, he can only show affection if it leads to sex and strops like a toddler if OP is prioritising their children rather than him.

Why on earth do you think that OP should be 'sexual' while watching TV with their children? He's the creepy one, not OP.

Well I suppose that depends on why they married in the first place. Some people marry primarily in order to have children, rather than because they’ve met someone they really want to spend the rest of their life with. And once the children have grown the partner is surplus to requirements.

I have been with DH since I was 19. We have known each other a long time, we go married because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

I want my marriage to work and I also want to raise well rounded men. I can want both. The last year has been very tough for us due to various things and we are trying. I think DH underestimated how much his upbringing would affect how he sees our children, he loves them no doubt about that at all.