AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

You're unreasonable not going away because your son lost a hockey match!

Team husband here.

Yeah, you are babying your kids to the extreme. Forgoing a weekend away because your son lost a hockey match. Good lord, what a wet wipe! Teach him that losing is part of everyday life for gods sake.

Hmmm, was he a boarder? I wonder if watching his own children get affection and consideration he missed out on is bringing up some feelings for him…

Yeah hockey match thing is a bit ridiculous.

Second art school options I’m team mum, but your husband is probably thinking this due to invariably lots of small incidents over the years…

Sorry but you seem like a great mum and from these examples you are clearly doing what is right for your kids. The kids are young and so there are times when he will have to take a backseat. Is he saying this because you aren't (rightly) agreeing about the boarding?

In reality, the very nature of motherhood and meeting the overwhelming responsibility of caring for children will inevitably mean that the children will be prioritised. It doesn't mean that you love your husband any less

Yes he was a border and his parents even to this day aren’t the most affectionate people not maliciously just the way they are u suppose

I’m on both sides- I’ve heard a lot about partners and husbands that feel their partners prioritise the kids, but the hockey thing wasn’t great. I’d hate my kids to be boarders too, and would totally fight it (my friend’s ds goes but she asked to go)

Not going away because your son's hockey team lost? It sounds like an excuse not to go.🙄Losing is part of sports.

Your son not enjoying the shooting, he's not interested and your husband shouldn't push him doing things he has no interest in.

The sex, he got peeved you stopped to go check on your child. 🙄 Eyeroll is for him getting peeved.

It sounds like your husband thinks you baby the kids and he thinks they should be more resilient. You think he ignores their emotions and wants to toughen them up in a pretty old fashioned sexist way, that teaches them to ignore their emotions. I think you need to find a middle ground and balance. His extreme ignores their interests and what could be a lot of emotional discomfort, the boarding, but you seem a bit helicopter and overprotective.

Priorities? Before I married my husband, we played a thought experiment about who would we save, partner or child. Both of us picked child so our priorities aligned. It sounds like you and your husband, not so much.

The hockey match is utterly ridiculous.

Your son should decide whether he wants to board.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a child calling for me.

I can’t believe you cancelled a hotel and a babysitter because your son lost a game.

I think that you’re both unreasonable.

For example you were unreasonable to cancel the trip away because ds lost the match. Why would you have your child do a competitive sport if you struggle to cope with winning and losing aspect? Learning to cope with losing is normal and you should have modelled getting on with things. You treated the loss as a massive deal. Even if he’d lost in the football World Cup Final, life has to go on.

Your husband is unreasonable with the shooting thing. Your son didn’t dislike it because he’s spoiled. If you asked him, he’d probably tell you why and I’m happy to bet it’s a tangible thing like gun being heavy, noisy, not running around etc

Your h isn’t unreasonable to be annoyed and lose his willingness to have sex when you went to find your son. It would be strange if he still wanted sex when you returned tbh and the fact that you left the room speaks volumes.

The school thing is hard to comment on as we don’t know your son but it sounds like you baby the boys while your h is “bad cop” for doing the opposite with comments like needing your son to toughen up.

I'm 50/50. Team DH on the hockey match - by 9 kids should know how to lose. But whenever my DH trots out 'toughen him up' or anything along those lines, I push back pretty hard. That 'tough with no feelings except anger' stereotype isn't healthy, and isn't something that I'm happy to pass to the next generation.

Would DH be open to change, if he knew that you were as well?

the hockey match thing wa ridiculous reason not to spend night away. I totally get not wanting your son to board though.

Personally I am of the view the best thing for my kids is a secure, loving home and the foundation of that is our marriage. So as kids can be all consuming at times I think it’s important to nurture the marriage too. I know lots of mothers are all about putting kids first and then complaining about their relationship.

The only thing I agree with your H is the hockey match. Maybe try couples therapy to try and align with each other?

Hmmm the little calling for you - unreasonable of him to sulk that you went to him. Cancelling a weekend away because eldest was upset about losing a sports match - ridiculous of you.

Boarding - given your dh boarded I think opting for flexi is already showing he’s willing to compromise. 9 is young to imagine being a boarder though - can you suggest flexi boarding for 13? (By flexi I’m assuming you mean 5 nights boarding coming home each weekend?) Some schools do very flexi - one or two mid weeks. Is that something to look at? And re-book that weekend away!

Yes you are spoiling and overparenting your kids.

The boarding school part is a separate issue and you both need to be onboard for that and I see and agree with your reasons against it, but the over focusing on your kids to the extent you don't have alone time with your DH is wrong.

Cancelling plans because your son lost his hockey game is ridiculous and teaching him the wrong lesson. Look into the term "snowplow parenting or over parenting" and it's consequences.

"Snowplow parenting (or bulldozer/lawnmower parenting) is a style where parents remove all obstacles and challenges from a child’s path to guarantee success and avoid failure or discomfort. While aimed at ensuring happiness, this over-involvement inhibits the development of resilience, independence, and essential problem-solving skills in children."

Also think of the future, the kids will grow up and move out (well unless they fail to launch), what will happen to you given your whole identity has been wrapped up in parenting them and protecting them and running after them?

With what I've read it looks like your children's emotional state dictates your decisions and you drop everything to regulate their emotions but this will prevent your kids from learning how to handle their emotions and disappointment. This will result in low emotional regulation, but also a sense of control over you because they learn over time that all they need to do is cry or call our and you will drop everything and rush over. Another effect is anxiety as they get older especially when it's time to move out and you will end up getting burnt out with no identify outside parenting. Hopefully your marriage survived but if it doesn't then what?

I'm not saying you ignore you kids but there have to be boundaries. Eg the hockey situation you acknowledge his sadness and his feelings which are valid, maybe spend 10 mins giving him attention then tell him to have fun with Grandma and you will see him later and go on your date.

Wtf he was annoyed that you left him and went to your upset child ?!! I wouldn’t be able to continue any intimacy if any of my children were calling for me.
I would be outraged at him. How dare he ?!
you sound like a wonderful mother. DH can’t be the centre of your attention anymore, you have three children.
i don’t think you should send a child to boarding school to “toughen them up” It’s not 1950. I would not allow this either.
Can you rebook your night away ?

The hockey thing is frankly mad. And probably not helpful for dc to have it elevated as a BIG DEAL that meant plans had to be changed. As a side issue your dc need to be able to win or lose with good grace - not over celebrating or dwelling on failures. Otherwise the next few years of sports are going to be unbearable.

On other matters your husband sounds a bit of a dick. Who would want to carry on having sex while your child calls out for you nearby? Why does enjoying shooting mean anything about your personality or resilience as opposed to what you enjoy/don't. Why do small children need to be toughened up?

Boarding of any sort is not acceptable to me as a parent (and ex boarder). Especially not if the motivation is to reduce my child's emotional bond with their mother!

You are not guilty of over prioritising your dc. It is not a competition - or at least any father ans husband worth his salt would not frame it as such. No good dad vyes with their dc for attention.

The issues are more fundamental in your relationship and what you want for your dc childhood.

You shouldn’t have cancelled for the hockey match. Boarding school you should have sorted out years ago, but I wouldn’t be sending a child either, and I think the child should get a say.

Regardless of who is 'right ', your husband is feeling neglected. If you want to stay married, you need to listen to that and do something about it. It probably doesn't need to be showy, just consistent and regular.

Team husband too. That performance over a lost game and you indulge him rather than teach him not to be a sore loser? As pp said, what a wet wipe!

"Who would want to carry on having sex while your child calls out for you nearby"

The boarding and the shooting I agree with you but the sex situation I think it's frustration because this probably happens all the time and he probably knows the child is crying out for no reason except no boundaries have been out in place. So it's more like a "here we go again" reaction.

I’d have thought it was fairly obvious you’d have to stop having sex - surely if you didn’t the child would come looking for you, start rattling the door handle!

The hockey thing is ridiculous. I can’t believe you cancelled a hotel over that!

Plenty of parents wouldn’t be comfortable with boarding school. I don’t think you’re unreasonable but I can see that in the context of a mother who won’t leave their child when they lost a hockey match, a father who went to boarding school himself might consider it more coddling. I’d disagree, but can see how he might get there in his own head.

It would drive me mad to live with someone who pandered to the kids to this extent but different people have different preferences.

You shouldn't have cancelled the weekend away.

The rest I agree with you on. Did he expect you to have sex whilst your DC was calling for you, that's a bit off to me. Plus no way would I consider boarding or want to toughen up my child.