AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

The hockey match example, yabu.

The rest, I agree with you.

Stopping sex as child calls out. Fair enough. Sure most of us would

cancelling a night away esp for his bday as son lost a match was silly and understand why dh pissed off

unless kids wants to board then no need if parents at home

This OP. You sound like a great mum. I’d be ditching him full time and focusing on the kids.

I think you sound like you’re a good mum. All the examples given were reasonable (including hockey match). Ask your DH when he imagines the best mother for his children, does she put her kids first or second? Bloody men wanting it all their own way. Plus boarding will not ‘toughen’ them up.

Quite

The hockey match is utterly absurd. Don’t come back moaning on here in 5 years if you continue to ignore the attention your (and any) marriage needs to flourish.

The hockey game thing was a bit ridiculous but everything else YANBU

What sort of partners do you want your sons to be in the future? I wanted to model a happy marriage to my sons, where we listened to each other and sometimes prioritised each other and our relationship. They grew up knowing it was important to nurture a partner and that, although they were always loved, sometimes we also needed/ wanted to be together. And now they’re great partners in happy marriages.

Think very carefully before you neglect your relationship to over parent your children. The hockey thing was ridiculous. We’ve all been interrupted during sex but most of us (well in my marriage) have managed to rekindle the flame after a minor break. The shooting/boarding school thing is a symptom of your husband worrying about how you’re interacting with the boys. If he is as good with them as you say, I am sure you can work this out.

He’s ridiculous in some ways, but so are you.

Do you actually enjoy spending time with your husband?Do you want to spend time with him? Just the two of you? Do you still enjoy sex with him? Intimacy?

I feel for you. You’re a good, loving mum. He’s making you feel like this - he sounds a bit petulant.

I’m feeling that he had a harder time of it growing up than your boys and is a bit jealous of the softer, kinder, more loving childhood that they are having. I had this a bit with my husband too. Well tough titties - the kids come first. Always.

But, having said that, you do sometimes you have to show them that they are loved and valued otherwise you’re going to end up divorced. Try again with a date night or weekend away.

The children won’t always be this little and demanding. Put your children first but do what you need to do to keep your husband on-side.

We’re nearly 40 years together, married for 37 years.

Im now at the life stage of the two DS being at university.
Prioritize your husband. The Dc go off and love their lives. They do not look back. It will be you and DH. You are fortunate that he loves to spend time with you. Many husbands don’t. Embrace it.

I’m team husband. Not going away for a night because your son lost a game of hockey is ridiculous. It sounds like you’re on different pages with your children.

Obviously the hockey match thing is ridiculous.

The rest of it - honestly, you might seem to be the reasonable one on the surface but if your reaction to a hockey match is to cancel a weekend away for your husband's birthday then my guess is that you're probably a bit ridiculous about the kids in general and there's just been a build up of resentment.

I can tell you right now that if DH decided to cancel taking me on a birthday weekend away because our son lost a match, I would find that really hard to get over.

I’m on your side 100% OP. I’ve always prioritized my kids too. When they were younger, their father did as well, but as they got older I started noticing a shift. He just didn’t care for them in the same way I did. He consistently put his own wants first, and on top of that, he’d get annoyed when I did things for the kids.

It wasn’t even enough for him that I took over all the drop‑offs, pick‑ups, and other stuff, he didn’t want me doing it either, which made no sense to me. At one point I told him it felt like he was jealous of his own kids. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Yes, I am.”

To be honest, I was already halfway out the door for other reasons, but a father who doesn’t prioritize his kids is a huge turn‑off for me. It told me everything I needed to know.

I’m with you. I don’t think I like your dh.

Sorry, children should always be prioritised. You done what you felt is best, as their mother. Never be ashamed of putting your kids first, there’s plenty that don’t and they’ll be the ones to regret it later down the line.

Your examples are all very different.

The sex interrupted one - well I defy anyone to continue happily having sex when there is a 5 year old calling your name and likely to land in on you at any moment. Just what did your dh expect you to do? Have an orgasm while your child knocked on the door? You're a better woman than I am if you could have done that.

The hockey game - I'd have gone away.

The shooting - on what planet is a child's enjoyment of an activity with someone else his mother's fault? Your dh should be called on blaming you for what he perceives as a fault in his child. And then called on thinking it is a fault for his child not to enjoy every activity. Once he was polite to his grandfather and didn't act out or act bored then it is not spoiled to not enjoy shooting (or golf or anything else)

Boarding school - that is a decision for you both to make and has absolutely nothing to do with prioritising a child over a husband. Sending a kid to flexi board to toughen him up is probably up there in top three reasons not to send your child to boarding school.

This has got to be made up!

Sex yanbu
Hockey yabu
Boarding yanbu
Shooting yanbu

I don’t think you should be having sex while children are in the house and awake, but I don’t think you should have cancelled his bday trip. The boarding school and toughen him up thing are weird it’s like he’s very jealous of his own son

You should’ve gone away after the hockey match- I agree with him on that one but overall I think Yanbu - how were you to know it was a false alarm when your son called out for you?

Also boarding - no way! So cruel.

Sorry, but interrupting intimacy with your husband because your child 'called for you'?
Cancelling a night away because your child was a bit upset?
Yes, YABU. Team Husband here.

So is she supposed to ignore a child calling for her whilst having sex?! Who could continue under those circumstances? 🤦🏻‍♀️

The sex own, did he really wanna risk the kid coming in or have sex to the sound of your kid screaming your name??

His birthday, did you lose the money for the hotel? Wondering if you could have rescheduled instead? I'd be disappointed too.

So on those grounds, I'd say it's swings and roundabouts and I can see why you made the decision you did.

The school and shooting stuff, that's a different issue. Different perspectives, you just have to work on a compromise rather than you having to make the final decision. Would he want to flexing board? If not, it's a no. Otherwise maybe yo u could trial it? Other kid, he's tried shooting, the option is on to try again when he's older but he doesn't have to do a hobby just could dad wants him to

Who wants to have sex whilst someone shouts Mommy?? Or knowing one of the kids can hear and is too young to understand so is more likely to come in than if they were teens? That doesn't sound relaxing or fun to me