AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

Kids being flexi boarders means you're meeting halfway. Compromise is the
best thing here.

YABU, for all the examples you've given, he probably has many more he hasn't even mentioned to you.

It's good you're addressing it as once the kods leave, the resentment can be too much to repair.

No guess not, but then she can't blame her DH for not wanting to continue when she returned. Fact is, he's feeling neglected and OP needs to decide if she cares enough to address that.

You are an absolute wetwipe

That's why bedroom doors need locks!

You're both on different extremes.

Cancelling a weekend away because a 9 year old lost a hockey match is utterly ridiculous.
Sending a child to boarding school to toughen them up is borderline abuse.

I wonder if you are both overcompensating for what you see as the other parent's failing in either being too harsh/too soft?

Who wants to continue having sex while your young child is awake and calling for you??

I actually can’t believe you cancelled his birthday celebration because your child lost a hockey game. That is absolutely wild and I’m not surprised he feels neglected. Hopefully he’ll wake up and see you will never put him first even on special rare occasions, leave and still be a hands on brilliant dad with another person who does appreciate him and makes him feel loved.

in 15 years you will have no children at home, and if you continue this way, no husband. What will you fill your time with then? Think on this carefully

Children do not 'toughen up'. Only those with their own issues use that phrase.

I think you was wrong to cancel the night away but YANBU with everything else.

No but it is a bit rich if any man feels neglected because his wife didn't want to continue having sex when a 5 year old is calling out for them and possibly knocking at the door - or even coming in if they didn't lock it. Who on earth would enjoy that? Yeah he is perfectly entitled to not want to continue after the interruption but feeling neglected because of the interruption?? Ridiculous.

Happy spouse, happy house, All being well, your children will start being more independent soon. Most spend more time with friends in their teens and a lot move out at 18. Sure, many don't due to the horrible job/housing market, but most of us want them to have the chance to be in their own place, putting their husband/wife first, so though we might be with our spouse from say 25-80, we'll only be living with our kids for less than half of that. I wouldn't want to be like a MIL I read about who spends all her time trying to be with her daughter, and interfering in her life. So in the usual scheme of things, we'll spend a lot more time with our spouse than with our kids.

I wouldn't have cancelled the weekend but tbh i think your dh sounds like an arse.

Aww diddums the poor man. Or maybe he could, you know, be an actual grown up and accept sometimes being a parent means your needs come last?

I wouldn't have cancelled the weekend away but other than that, I agree with you.

Did he really think you should have sex and ignore a 5 year old shouting for his mummy? I fault him as a dad right there.

The hockey match was OTT, but with the rest of your examples you have a point.

Yes, but the usual scheme of things only applies if the marriage is maintained so that it survives the time children are infants

Looking after your marriage is part of looking after your children. One of the most important things you can give your children is a stable home. However, your examples are a bit of a mixture. Cancelling the trip because of a lost match was absolutely ridiculous. Disagreeing about boarding is just a disagreement; you can prioritise each other with children in day school!

Team husband on the hockey match, honestly!! But boarding school I’m team op, and so what if a child doesn’t enjoy shooting??! The sex thing - the kids interrupting kills the mood for me so while I might not have got up to them, I’d have struggled to get back into it.
i think you should book another weekend away even if it doesn’t suit and on that weekend say you’re not up for boarding, many many parents aren’t and that doesn’t make you soft. You recognise you were totally wrong over the hockey and will try hard not to do that again, hence this weekend. And as for shooting our kids aren’t us - they are going to like their own things and you need to recognise that, if you blame me every time they don’t like something you do we won’t get out of this married. I don’t blame you because <example of how one or some of the children is/are different from you> , wouldn’t have crossed my mind.

Hope you don't mind me saying, but I think you seem more mentally and emotionally healthy than your husband, and he has issues with thinking children should be sent away to live in school if they don't need to be and have a hobby kil ling British wildlife.
Just as many children are a bused in boarding school as those in care homes, and he seems to have a superiority complex in punishing you for putting your offspring's needs first.

It sounds like having another child in the home who wants all the attention, and not very arousing.

I think you have to be careful to nurture your relationship while caring for your family. But that doesn’t seem to be the problem here.

It seems that yourself and your DH have had very different upbringings and as a result you are valuing different things. You have fundamental differences in what you think are important outcomes.

You are not doing your children any favours. Encouraging a 9yo to be distressed over losing a sporting match by making out it was a big deal, and enough so to cancel the weekends plans😳. Unbelievable.

No, the child wasn't upset and it doesn't sound like her husband had a full on sulk but lost the mood which, let's face it, happens.

@BeBusyBlueBee I agree with the broad consensus that your husbands comments about your sons needing to toughen up and flexi boarding aren't right & too far, but equally he does seem to have valid points re you neglecting your relationship. By your own admission.

The pp who mentioned snowblowing, yes it does sound you're smoothing their paths too much. Example - cancelling your night away because of a lost hockey game!

Madness....

It says something when the Team Husband gets a win from mumsnet judges! You know he has a point and it sounds like you communicate well so you should be able to navigate this. Let your children learn resilience and how to keep disappointments in perspective and enjoy some time with your husband, you won't be failing your sons if you do.

Having sex when your kid is calling for you and then would likely walk in on you is messed up - on your side there.

Your kid does need to get over losing a game - we all lose sometimes and it is part of life. It is actually healthy to let your kid experience loss - we all need to learn how to accept loss as a part of life and learn we are not entitled to win. Teaches us to be gracious and work harder!

The shooting and the boarding school make your husband sound gross imo! Why have kids if you just want to pack them off! And saying a kid is spoilt because he doesn’t want to shoot stuff for fun sounds so caveman like! Honestly it sounds like your husband wants to keep up with the Jones and is living in the 1900’s.

I can’t from the examples you give (though cancelling a weekend away because your DS lost a hockey match is bizarre), but more generally it would do no harm to remember you’re a wife as well as a mother, and your DH is a husband as well as a father. You need to get that bit right. You and your DH are The Team and making sure it stays that way is the goal. Couples therapy may help you unpack this. Your kids will be off to uni in 10-12 years. What will your marriage look like when that happens? Will you be excited to spend more time as a couple or will you be looking at the rubble of a relationship that spent so long over focused on kids that it forgot to attend to the mortar holding the whole shebang together?

He is right somewhat but not completely

Boys seem to have a tough time with emotional regulation. that's why you need to be teaching it to them. The oldest needs to learn how to deal with his sad feelings about things. That doesn't mean the world stops while he has sad feelings.
You see these grown men who sulk and stomp and make everyone else in their household miserable because they never learned emotional regulation.

The youngest coming in for no reason just because he wanted to that also could be avoided.

As for the school that's something you both have to decide

Was the real reason you missed the weekend away because your son missed the hockey game or is the some wider confidence issues about being away from the home/ kids? Because that’s ridiculous.

It sounds like you’re raising some very privileged kids (hockey, shooting, private and or boarding school) which is fine and a lovely position to be in but you need to be careful they’re not spoilt and knowing they dictate your every second if they loose a hockey game for example is what I mean by that.