AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

[BeBusyBlueBee]

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad.

However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out.

For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed.

Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil.

There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things.

I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship.

So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

This is very insightful.

Also, if husband thinks that boys need toughening up, he needs to step into the present century. Attitudes like that belong in the ark.

It does sound as if you prioritise the kids occasionally when you could have put your husband first, tbh. The good news is that I don't think it would take much to right the balance. Make time for your husband, and when you do have time alone with him, focus on that time together. And yes, he's right about the two of you being left with each other when the boys go off to their own lives.

It sounds like his point is that OP puts them first too often. It sounds like they come first almost always. And OP says that her husband adores the children and is every bit as involved as she is, so I doubt that he minds them coming first the majority of the time. It sounds as if he just wants to feel like a husband occasionally instead of just a dad.

first post nails it. You're being unfair to your husband and it's just rank bad helicopter parenting that every time one of your children gets upset over trivial things then the world has to move to align with their needs.

I can’t get over cancelling a weekend away because your son is a poor loser. That’s nuts!

The rest I get what you are saying.

I think though your husband has seen enough of this sooking by your kid that he’s genuinely concerned. I would be too.

Cancelling the night away was a bad decision but everything else YANBU. How can you carry on having sex when your child is awake and about and calling your name?? Your child has the right to his own interests and preferences and if he doesn't like shooting that's up to him, and sending him to boarding school to toughen him up at 11 is just mind blowing. I get that your family is clearly of a different social class to mine but if anyone suggested sending my 11 year old away to make him tougher I'd lose all respect for them and anything they said in future.

With you on not wanting to send kids to boarding school, OP. My DH went and it affects him to this day - he struggles to process his emotions and has a terrible relationship with his parents.

But the hockey match thing is nuts! You are babying your kids. As a parent, it’s our job to show them love, but also teach them resilience! No child should be that upset over losing a sports game, and by cancelling your time away, you are reaffirming to your son that it’s a big deal.

Honestly, I’ve seen it play out with friends’ kids who were over-cosseted like this - they now have older teens who can’t cope with anything and struggle with mental health etc, as they never learned to be resilient in the real world.

I felt for your husband a tad until he whinged because he wants his son to be a boarder and that he didn't like shooting.

You know, this is quite a common situation on mumsnet, where a man grows up with less affection than he should have as a child and then doesn't learn from that and rejoice to have a wife who provides that for his children, bit whp resents it to a level! He had your undivided attention for a long time before kids came along and misses it.

I've must have read at least 4 or 5 similar threads on here where the father puts the onus on his wife to give him more attention in that regard, as she's "giving too much attention to the children".

My husband and I had 12 years together before having kids so I know how much it changes things, and in your scenario the birthday one was perhaps an error as the nine year old wouldn't have been traumatised by you both going out, but the others are normal. I'm surprised people who grow up wanting more affection don't then want to break that cycle for their own kids and hold them close. Strange.

children need both parents and often both approaches. Sometimes there is a time for softness and sometimes there is a need for robustness.

your way OP and in general the approach of mums is not the only way or the “correct way”. Parenting doesn’t mean you ask how high when your kids say jump. Emotional regulation, loss, confidence, self reliance, bravery etc all these things come from trying and failing or doing things that are hard and learning to self soothe.

you have 3 boys its ok to listen to their father and to let him have a role in shaping them and how they navigate the world. And to recognise that sometimes you can let them problem solve or self regulate without you. They are safe at home or with people you trust.

I think the issue isn’t jumping up on the middle of sex. It’s obviously about a pattern of behaviour. Where you are over parenting the children and he thinks they need some independence.

i think flexi-boarding is a compromise. And if DS doesn’t like you can move to day.

I think this is a bit unfair. Of course all children need to toughen up. emotional resilience and confidence being able to brush off small
setbacks are skills developed while young.

if you jump at every small thing it reinforces the idea to children that it’s a big deal and now they catastrophise and become overwhelmed and anxious whenever they have make decisions.

if your entire family changes what it’s doing because you lost a game. That reinforces that the loss is a big deal. Rather than taking a deep breath and trying again next time. Now you become even more anxious when you play and stressed and then you don’t want because of the pressure or the fear of losing.

its ok to tell children. Yes you lost but chin up! You’ll be ok tomorrow I love you and go off to have a good evening.

We’d both save our children. BUT that doesn’t mean we need to prioritise them for everything. We are also a couple and individuals. We prorose our kids, each other as a couple and ourselves individually. We don’t need to be martyrs to be great parents and I think it’s important that children realise that they are a part of a family not the centre of it! .

I do care I’m just finding it hard to balance. I want my children to know that I’ll always be here for them I do give them independence but I do see where DH is coming from.

DH had a hard time growing up. He will never admit it but deep down he did. He never had any affection, his parents loved him but never showed it. I want our children to be well rounded I guess I’m failing at that.

We’ve talked about things. I’ve rescheduled his birthday and we are going to go away for a few days and have a good time but I’ve also suggested couples counselling and individual I think he has a lot of built up resentment towards his childhood.

You are putting your kids first before your husband, but I don't think that you are wrong to do this.

I assume that your husband went to boarding school? Often fathers who were sent away by their own parents find it difficult to express emotions and form bonds with their own children. I don't think you should send your son to boarding school to 'toughen him up'. Your DH sounds as though he feels it is a competition between himself and his kids for your love and attention.

I agree with other posters that your son's response to losing a hockey match was extreme but I can see why you would have felt unable to leave him with your MIL.

Sex - you were reasonable, the child would’ve come in
hockey - you’re not. You need to teach more resilience
but boarding isn’t the way to do it imo. Your husbands frustrated as pp have said that he perceives your child as too emotional, so maybe some dinner table conversation about different expectations of masculinity might be in order

Those were pretty much his exact words. He doesn’t want to just always feel like a dad, he wants to be a husband too and be there for me and I should let him take the lead at times.

I think this is clouding his judgement.

He had limited if any affection in the way your kids have and he doesn't know how to deal with that.

You were unreasonable to cancel his birthday treat just because your son lost a match. But the rest...your husband needs to grow up.

Hmm I’d be careful op. Those lads will likely be gone without a backward glance in a few years. You and your DH and your relationship matter too. Healthy for them to realise that and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

Of all the examples you provided, I’d probably say the only one I’d make a different choice on is cancelling the trip away due to your son losing a match. However, having said that, I choose not to go away without my DD in the first place so it would also be hypocritical for me to say

Sending a child to flexi board would not even be a discussion in my house. I had a child as I wanted to be a parent and spend time with them. Sending them away when I have other local options, would take that away for me personally. It sounds like boarding could have impacted his emotional expectations of being a parent

I’m also totally with you on the whole sex thing. I couldn’t carry on doing it whilst my child was awake and calling for me

I may give them too much affection and we were together for a long time before the kids came along.

DH loves our boys I don’t doubt that at all. Most Saturdays he gets up and lets me have a lie I’m so he came have the morning and afternoon with them. He takes them out to various activities.

I just think he didn’t have much affection growing up and now he sees me give so much affection to his children he doesn’t know how to act. Not too long ago we decided to have a movie afternoon with the boys and my youngest wanted to cuddle me and sit next to both his dad and I. We let him and after a while DH said ‘that’s enough now you’re a big boy go sit in your chair’ and he didn’t really want to do that and DH asked him again more stern I guess and he went and sat on his chair sulking. He got over it but DH just wanted him out of the way so he to cuddle me.

We did talk about it after and I said he’s 5 he just wants to cuddle nothing wrong with that. He think I’m being too soft with them. It’s my first time parenting too and I don’t want to mess them up on either direction.

You’re right

Other than the hockey - children need to learn that losing is a normal part of sport -I don’t think you are particularly unreasonable - it’s perfectly normal that your ds may not like shooting, many boys that age prefer the beating - hiking, dogs and lots of activity & chat is way less dull that standing on a peg with a heavy, noisy gun. And let’s face it, maybe he quite reasonably doesn’t like the sport! The flex boarding depends on what your son’s wishes are - unless he’s really keen & socially resilient (the hockey incident implies not yet) then I wouldn’t ….better to start school as a day pupil and then choose to board than the other way round. As for the sex interruption - would it have been any fun continuing with a child calling out in the background or walking in when you didn’t respond to them?! And yes, totally normal to lose the feeling after the interruption- it’s a shrug and move on moment, not a big deal. Well done for suggesting counselling, I hope it helps.

Mixed feelings here. Obviously in general children come first. Yanbu to stop sex if a child is calling you and frankly I think anytime who could carry on having sex while they can hear their child's voice calling is weird (I also wouldn't be in the mood to carry on after the interruption, but he shouldn't be angry about it). I also wouldn't ever criticise anyone for not wanting their child to go to boarding school, and sulking because your son doesn't like shooting is horrible - he has a really set idea of what a good upper class boy should be like doesn't he! Yuk.

However, I would be so upset if a birthday night away was cancelled just because a child had lost a sports match . That seems a really over the top reaction, and not at all healthy for the child either. So that makes me think there may be some truth at times in what Dh says and wonder if there are other examples he would give.

Although having said that, I also wonder if he ever puts you first, or if it's just his needs that he thinks should be important?

Missing your weekend away because your son was upset about losing was a BIG mistake and doesn’t help your son shrug it off, you gave it weight. However a child calling for you in the night is going to kill any passion so you’re not wrong there. As for boarding, it wouldn’t be for me.
I think as long as you plan stuff together and carve out time here and there it’s a healthy balance. He sounds a little unreasonable to me part from the hockey sore loser son.

Do you see that the hockey cancellation was batshit @BeBusyBlueBee ? I wonder if this demoting of your husband happens far more than you realise and he’s sick of feeling like your last priority.

Some of your examples seem normal and your DH is being unreasonable. I think it's fine for the 5 year old to want to sit and have a cuddle or for a child to want you at nighttime if they can't sleep.

Is there part of him that thinks because they are boys they should be tougher, and he would be more lenient if they were girls?

In terms of cancelling your overnight stay as your child was upset over losing a match then I think you were wrong to do so. Children need to learn resilience and to accept wins and losses. At 9 years old I would be concerned over the extreme reaction. Do you normally let them win all the time, for example playing games? If so you really need to start playing fair and letting them lose, as this extreme reaction will not go down well with friends if he goes round theirs and loses at something.
Or does the 9 year old have sen? In which case you still need to work on accepting they won't win all the time, but might make the extreme reaction seem more understanding (and maybe your DH isn't accepting of your son's needs).