AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

I don't think I've seen the living arrangements mentioned for the child. Where is he during the week (school days)?

If his mum is the resident parent and he is at yours for the weekends then I think a state / private split is possible.

If the child lives with you then that's trickier because you need to treat the three children equally. Your husband (and you) would have primary carer responsibility in this situation.

Must admit, I wouldn't do it either.

I appreciate that its not the child's fault nor the mother's (however her insisting is a cheek - if you can't pay then you don't get a say), but that shouldn't mean that the OP should stump up at the detriment of her own children.

Everyone keeps banging on about the OP knowing he already had a child, but guess what, so did he so perhaps HE should have thought about this before now, particularly as she is the higher earner.

Perhaps you’re not being unreasonable to expect it but if she can’t afford it , it can’t be done . Can’t get blood from a stone as they say .
Have to admit I wouldn’t get involved in a blended family either , there’s more often than not some issue or another with fairness.
As your husbands ex I would be fighting tooth & nail for my son to be treated the same as your 2, & you as a mother should understand that .
You are not being unreasonable to favour your own( human nature ) , but you should do silently, & seeing as you state that you’re taking money from ‘their hypothetical savings’ not out of their mouths , you can actually afford for them to all go , you just will be saving less for them .
Agree with previous posters, they all go or none go.

Your dh has to give his 3 children the same opportunity. If he can't afford full cost for step child and 50% cost for other 2 then none of them can go.

That is why if I were step mother I would pay more so all 3 could attend. Imagine you could only send one of your two children? You couldnt do that to them. That is what you are asking your dh to do.

It’s not about the OP accommodating it though is it it’s about the OP paying for it

I would never be in this situation as I don't agree with private schooling nor keeping finances separate as a married couple.

That being said, you definitely need to make sure all 3 children are treated equally and stop blaming your step child's mother for not being able to afford the fees. Have you actually considered local state schools? Or moving nearer to good ones? Or leaving private education to when they are older? Or just seeing the amount needed as a family need, rather than working out equal shares.

If private education is what you would prefer (and that's fine) is it feasible that it starts for all three children at the same time? Your shared two won't be at school for a couple of years yet, and your step-son is 7, so could go private from Y6 if that's when his step-siblings start? That would "save" a few years' expenditure and as a PP says, there are fee discounts for siblings at most independent schools.

Or, alternatively, they all start at independent from the same age - so when they are 8, having started out at state schools for primary. We have just done this, and it has worked very well.

How you share the overall cost out is a different matter, but first I'd be looking at how to keep the costs as reasonable as possible using one of the options above...and then divvy it up between the three of you. Presumably if your step-son's mum earns something then she could could contribute a small amount that's feasible within her income...and then none of the three of you is unfairly disadvantaged, you're all contributing to the overall pot and giving all three kids the same opportunities.

The mother applying for a bursary for dc1 for her share is a really good idea (despite being rubbished by other posters).

the bursar would look at her ability to pay her 50%

many private schools would welcome 3 sets of fees rather than zero, especially at prep stage with rolls falling.

though are you really sure c. £90k of fees pa is worth it op? I say that as a private school parent who’s nearly the end of the road (and prepaid 5 years in advance x2 so have avoided VAT (possibly)). No way I’d pay for prep with VAT on it now - or at least where I am in London where it’s £30k per child per annum.

Absolutely.

If you could only afford to send one of your two children, would you do that?

If he kept this son secret until after you had two children with him then you might have had a point. But otherwise he’s a latent who can’t afford to send his three children to private school.

If I was him I’d send my son then pick my favourite of the other two and the least favourite can just not go.

Your comments are so cold towards your stepson. You became a family when you married his father and its so sad you dont see him as equal. Sending him to state school and your children to private could have a very damaging impact on the bonds between you and him, him and his siblings, him and his dad. His mother likely takes cares of other costs but all 3 should get the same

I have one child and 2 SC.
My SC recently inherited very significant amounts of money via their Mum. My DD quite obviously doesn't share in this windfall.
SC and shared children do not always get the same opportunities.
Private school is indeed a luxury. I have sympathy for the OP not wanting to subsidise her SC here. It's a significant cost over a long period of time.

As a reasonable person, I would not be expecting my ex partner’s new partner to pay for my child

I would understand that life isn’t fair. There will be many many inequalities going forward in life.

What if the OP’s parents left their grandchildren £20 million? What are you going do about it then?

Blended families are complicated, but trying to make everything the same doesn’t work

In the same way that one child might have special needs that end up taking the bulk of time and finances, you can’t try and equalise that amongst the other children

You sound ridiculous. Not being able to afford private school fees is not 'having children you can't afford'. Its the reality for 95% of parents.

Money doesn't make you better than her.

Which she should have thought about before marrying a man with a very young child.

Then that’s the step-grandparents treating the kids differently which is a bit different to their own father….

I see your point, it sounds like you have very separate finances, you speak almost as though you are also separated.

This is not how I think marriage should be though. Imo your family and your finances combine. DH is not the biological father of all my children. Not a chance in hell would he suggest, or I allow, my eldest be treated differently. But we discussed this before he even met my eldest, our children would all be equals, they are "our" children, not "my" child and "our" child. You as a married could can afford to send all of your children to private school. Why should one be left out becuase he didn't come from your womb?

But hey, if he agreed to this in the first place, that you wouldnt have any part in his sons life and your financial split then it is what it is isnt it. If you never agreed to join finances or treat his son as an equal then he cant now move the goalposts, he should have thought about his son's future instead of.his dick

It is though. She either accommodates the fact none of them can afford to go, because her husband can’t afford the commitment, or she chooses to send her own children to private with her own funds.

You want your kids to go private, you have the means, send them.
Your money, your choice.
The mother of your SS doesn’t have the money, so doesn’t have the choice.
That is the bottom line.

I agree it needs to be fair to the kids
Surely your household income should be one pot?
some schools do a sibling discount and if the mum of your ss is on a low income she may be eligable for some type of bursary if it’s available.
are there any grandparents who could/wish to help??

But the point is it looks like it's something she always wanted. I don't think private school would have been on his radar.
This kind of thing needs to be discussed before you have kids when there is already a child in the family

So you married a man with a child and committments and now want him to disadvantage said child as you've had two more with him. You're so unreasonable it's unpleasant

I can’t see how people think you’re being unreasonable.

He needs to go back to his ex and be firm about the half, she’s taking you for a ride! If she can’t pay for it, she shouldn’t be insisting it. CF!

You both want the same thing. You want all his children being equal. That means he pays half for all children. However if he can't cover his eldest's mother's half then he can't give half to any of them.

IMO grandparents are different. They didn't purposefully enter into a relationship and choose to marry someone with a child and then go on to have more kids with that person creating a family.

Grandparents had no choice in the matter.

They are merely step-grandparents by defacto position

Your husband cannot afford to treat his 3 children equally. As he cannot afford to pay 4 half payments that he needs for all 3 children. Your decision will have to be based on

1 what can mother of step child afford
2 can you afford to pay more than the 10% you have offered
3 can dad pay slightly more than the half he can afford
4 can you agree to pay 75% of your childrens fees
You speak about equality and fairness
However the outcome of how you want this is not treating your stepchild equal to his half siblings.